Post #39- To Feel or Not to Feel? That is the Question!

For the last week or so I’ve been blogging about the importance of “feeling” (if you haven’t followed, you can go back to the Sept. 5 blog and catch up!) Using the adage, Feel…..Deal….Heal, I’m come to the conclusion that not nearly enough emphasis has been given to the importance of our inner life and the crucial role our emotions can play in the roadmap to our life’s success. We have emotions; therefore they must be here for a reason. I actually believe if we give attention to them they can be valuable benchmarks, guideposts, and navigation aides along life’s journey….always pointing us in the direction of healing, wholeness, and spiritual evolution.

A few days ago I felt, what has become a familiar friend, come back for a visit. For the past several years I have experienced what is most commonly known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (self-diagnosed, of course).  Basically, when the seasons change (for me it's the change of summer to autumn) I begin feeling a little blue. I’ve come to, almost comically, refer to these times as the “Falls” of life (get it...Autumn/Fall of life...ok, never mind)

In times past I’ve simply tried to brush aside the light depression and get back to business as usual, however this year the depression landed right in the middle of this blog series about feeling (ain’t God funny?) so I took a different approach. Instead of stuffing these feelings deep within, trying to ignore them or even numb them, I decide to actually feel them.  A few nights ago I took time before bed and actually gave myself permission to feel sad. I wanted to sit in it…not to have a pity party but to examine what these emotions represented and/or what they could teach me about me.

As I turned on music (for me it’s gospel, though for someone else, it may be another genre) and just sobbed. I know tough guys don’t cry, but I’m not ashamed to say it started with a few trickles and then as things became more clear I went into the full blown ugly cry, haha! In that moment of vulnerability and stillness before God I began to see that my autumn depression had nothing to do with the changing of seasons (because hell, I’m in Texas and very little has changed; it still feels like an oven!) but rather,  I “remembered” that this depression always seems to visit in September, yet it only began the Fall of 2006. Then I realized that September 2006 was (and every September there after is) the anniversary of my life plummeting.

In July 2005 I moved from rural Arkansas to Dallas. Shortly thereafter (in September), my life came crashing down….

·      My beloved grandmother (who raised me and was my mother figure) suffered a brain aneurysm and never fully recovered; meaning I never had another conversation with he, essentially losing the woman I had known.

·      My wife and I separated, a pain and guilt that haunted me for years (and if I were honest, still grieves me).

·      I began struggling with how to be a parent while not living in the same house with my kiddos.

·      I embarked on a new life as a single “gay” man, causing me to lose all of my friends (with the exception of one). They were all  “Christians” and therefore distanced themselves from me because of my sexuality.

·      I had moved to Dallas to attend SMU’s Perkins School of Theology. Up to that point, I wanted to be a pastor (in fact I did serve as pastor of a couple of small churches in Arkansas while also teaching public school). So, now because of my determination to be authentic and real, I had to not only hit the reset button on my own theology (causing me to have an existential crisis) but I had to find another vocation (a struggle that persists today).

·      And to top it all off, I began experiencing the most difficult financial challenges of my life, which is not uncommon during divorce but of which I have not, eight years later, fully recovered.

These instances were just the beginning of many years of turmoil and heartbreak for me. As a result, when September rolls around each year, it’s as if my psyche remembers the trauma and my soul wants to grieve. So, kneeling beside my bed, that’s exactly what I did. As I began to remember the happenings of September 2005 and the subsequent “Falls,” I allowed my soul to grieve all of my loss.

Crying, I believe, is therapeutic. It’s like a cleansing, similar to defragging a computer (do people do that anymore?). Or, better yet, it’s analogous to cleaning shattered glass. There are the big pieces you can see, but if you look closely there are many small pieces you can’t and might not find for days or weeks or months. Likewise, traumatic life events can leave fragments of emotional debris, often undiscovered for years. However, this is why “feeling” is so important. If I had not been awakened to “feeling” I would have spent yet another year stuffing my emotions; but because I allowed myself to embrace the feelings, though uncomfortable and ugly, I was able to recognize the root of the issue and therefore move on to “dealing” and ultimately “healing” (there’s more to this night’s revelation but I’ll save it for tomorrow!!! Check back!)

Lastly, I can’t be the only one who has this emotional dysfunction, hahaha! Surely, someone reading this has some “stuff” they’ve pushed to the side. I encourage you to feel the feelings, ask yourself the hard questions and get to the business of pulling up the crap that’s holding you back. See, I wouldn’t have guessed the events of 2005 was the real reason I had an annual bout with sadness. However, when I mustered the courage to go within, my spirit revealed it to me and I was able to get free! For….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you.  Get started “feeling,” because once you become spiritually free from this baggage, your life will open up to all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)