“Hurting people hurt people. “ I’m not sure where I first
heard this phrase but I’m sure it was some preacher from my childhood who first
introduced me to this pearl of wisdom (and my initial Google search turned up
no original source). Wherever I first heard it, I’ve certainly repeated it many
times and maintain that this is one of the “Things I Know for Sure” (to steal a
page from Oprah Magazine).
Just think about it. Isn’t it true? Think of the people
you’ve encountered in life who seem to get out of bed in the morning only to spew their brand of misery,
bitterness and hatefulness all over everyone they meet. Guesses are if you took
them on a stroll down memory lane you are likely to find a past hurt. So, my adherence to this wisdom usually
helps me live a life of compassion and understanding, even with those who
utterly offend me. In other words, when I stumble upon a total jackass, I’m
just reminded that they are battling some hurt or pain that I know nothing
about…therefore I’m more obliged to take a deep breath and extend a little longsuffering.
Yet, there is another side of this coin that is rarely
discussed. What happens when WE are the ones who allow past experiences, hurts,
pains, and traumas to cloud our perspective and alter our behavior? In which
ways have we been guilty of dumping our past on the unsuspecting victim in
front of us?
My last few posts have unintentionally centered around
romantic relationships, with the last two focusing specifically on overcoming
rejection. In some ways I want to
continue that in this post (although this could relate to any type of
interpersonal interaction). Unlike
the last two posts I don’t want to offer thoughts about being rejected but rather I’d like to turn
your attention to the fine art of extending
it to others (we must be careful when we’re ALWAYS the hero of the tales we
tell).
Let me simply state that I am guilty as charged. I have not
always been diplomatic or mature in my rejection of others. While I’ve never
been one of those rude or arrogant pricks, I have been known to “ghost”
many-a-suitor (You know, “ghost”, meaning, I simply disappear and stop
answering calls or texts). While
it’s never, ever my intention to inflict pain on another, I have been guilty of
fleeting thoughts that justify my behavior because, “Hey…it’s been done to me!”
I have no deep insight or life shattering revelation to
share, other than to caution us about the way we move through the world. We
must be self-aware, identifying ways in which we have been bruised by our pasts
and therefore we must make a conscious effort not to allow those experiences to
un-awaringly cause us to “pass it forward”.
I believe this truth rears its ugly head most noticeably in
matters of the heart. I cannot begin to tell you how many people I have
encountered who, due to the painful dating/marriage experiences of the past,
bring the hurt of the past into their current romantic endeavors. It show
itself in many ways. Sometimes it’s through our paranoia and suspicion, or
maybe in the ways in which manage conflict. Or, forget managing conflict, our
painful pasts often drive us to CREATE the conflict…picking fights with our
significant others because deep inside we know this person will eventually hurt
us, therefore we must hurt them first. Or (for me this is the worst) when life
presents a beautiful human spirit…a good
man or woman…we deny them access into our lives, refuse them our hearts and
miss the opportunity for true intimacy and partnership because we just can’t
get over what the other(s) did to us. Wow…in my estimation, there is nothing
more heartbreaking than making this one
pay for what the last one did.
Hurting people hurt people. Those of us who have felt the sting
of rejection too often become perpetrators of that same pain in others. Sigh…but
no matter what the pain of our pasts has been…
This is not the end of our story; the best is not behind us,
it is ahead of us. If you still harbor pain from the past, be aware of it,
process it, pause your dating life until you can excavate it…but for heaven’s
sake, please don’t ignore it. Because without dealing with it, we cannot
experience all of the #bigthingscoming.
NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read
my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments
here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash
tag #bigthingscoming.
(Copyright,
2016, Ray Jordan)
