Post #58- Expect Nothing!

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“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.”

~Attributed to Mother Theresa

I know this is going to sound strange to some of you, but consider this. Expectations are probably the most damaging and sabotaging aspect of our lived experience. Yes, you heard/read correctly, expectations. For the last few posts I’ve lifted areas that limit our ability to experience our highest selves and best lives. There is good all around us and it belongs to us, yet too many of us live lives of limitation and meaninglessness, failing to find purpose and passion.  And today, I’m suggesting that we miss the mark because of our expectations.

No doubt, one of the most heart-wrenching human emotions is disappointment. Oh God! I hate being disappointed! There’s nothing worse than having your mind or heart set on something, and it not being or becoming what you….[wait for it]…..expected. Indeed, disappointment is deeply rooted in our sense of expectation, and likewise, our sense of expectation is deeply rooted in our own preconceived notions and ideas regarding any given element of life.

Just think about it. When we have a strong expectation for something, it manages and directs our daily lives and social behavior. Meaning, based on our expectations we begin acting in certain ways and demanding certain things of others (which is what usually gets us in the most trouble).

Expectations are based upon preconceived ideas about what something or someone is supposed to be or suppose to do. In fact, most of those ideas have been preconceived through our prior experiences and it has very little to do with anyone else. Therefore, as we spiritually mature we begin to understand that our ideas are just that….our own ideas, and they don’t necessarily apply to anyone outside of ourselves.

For instance, when our food doesn’t arrive within a certain window of time, we become upset or agitated, because we had an expectation/preconceived notion of what an appropriate wait time should be. When first dating a special someone and they don’t respond in a way we think they should, we often become angry, frustrated and disappointed because we have a preconceived idea about how one is suppose to respond in a dating situation (rather than communicating openly to understand what the other person may or may not be expecting). These are two examples but the list could go on and on.

Often our expectations and preconceived ideas are simply manifestations of an ego gone wild. So, instead of asking “why me,” ask “why not me?” Instead of judging someone’s behavior when it doesn’t meet your expectations, try seeking the other person’s perspective and understanding why they may be doing what they’re doing. And when a particular situation threatens to disappoint, try finding alternative ways of understanding it, ones in which you aren’t the victim.

The bottom line remains, let go of your preconceived notions and try your damndest to take nothing personally. The person who cuts you off in traffic, the clerk who treats you rudely, the significant other who hurts you, the job that lays you off, the family who just doesn’t understand you…..take NONE of it personally. Open your heart and mind to correction…be willing to be proven wrong…take responsibility for any part you played in the drama, but at the end of the day, release others of your expectations and free yourself from the crippling heartache of disappointment; because in the end, the bad behavior of others and the disappointing circumstances probably have nothing to do with you anyway. For…….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Know your preconceived ideas belong to you only, so don’t use them to persecute others inability to meet your expectations. Open your heart to all the good that belongs to you and receive all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #57- Live in Peace and Experience Your Greatness!

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I can truly say, “I am at peace.” What a beautiful place and space to occupy!  Don’t get me wrong everything in my life isn’t perfect. I could even bore you with a long list of things I think could stand a change, yet everything in life is perfect, because they are what they are meant to be. The more I grow in my spirituality, the more I have come to be at peace with everything that has transpired in my life.

Granted, I still have moments of regret and pain. One such moment caught me off guard two weeks ago, during the date of what would have been my 15^th wedding anniversary. While I know getting a divorce was the right choice for me, I couldn’t help but think “what if” and covet a life that could have been but was never really meant to be. Thankfully, that evening I was to be the featured speaker of men’s HIV support group, during which I had prepared remarks that described life as a journey. Life, I told them, is a journey we’re all traveling, during which most of us are just trying to figure it all out and make sense of it all.

This was also a good reminder for myself, for I am reminded that healing is a process. Deep within I recognize that every pain, every mistake, every hard place I’ve experienced contained a lesson, and if I pay attention, get out of denial and allow my life to speak to me, to teach me, I will be well-prepared for my destined place and for my purpose.

Today, my morning devotion centered on grace. One part, in particular, moved me. It read,

“Grace happens when I let go and open the doors of my soul to God’s guidance. Grace arrives as effortlessly as the falling leaves when I stop trying to figure out life and just let it be through me. I don’t have to do anything to earn grace; it arises when I surrender.”

Ummmm. I love that! “Grace arrives as effortlessly as the falling leaves when I stop trying to figure out life and just let it be through me.” This, in my humble yet tested perspective, is the key to greatness. This is the key to living in purpose and experiencing meaning in life. I truly believe we are unlimited beings with deep wells of infinite power, creativity, compassion, and wisdom within us (see Post #55). However, so many of us have made accessing it much harder and more complex than it has to be. 

We’ve received messages from the world, including the Church and religion, painting a picture of great sacrifice, effort, and energy, when in fact it’s as easy as surrender.

Will I have to work hard? Sure…but when you’re living in purpose and passion it won’t feel like work. Will I have to sacrifice some things? Yes…but, in my experience, when you’re guided by Spirit, the sting of any seeming sacrifice can’t compare to what you get in return. On life’s journey, if we surrender to grace, we can live in peace. No matter what comes or goes, we’ll know that our lives are unfolding and our stories are being written before our very eyes. In peace and grace, we can meet each new day with excitement and energy, rather than worry, sadness or fear.

We must open our hearts to the blessing of grace and peace. For some of us (and I want to speak directly to many of you), our hearts have hurt and been hurt and thereby they’ve have hardened and closed for far too long. I know it will seem risky and you will feel vulnerable, but you must open your heart. You can’t continue to live like this. You must take off the armor.

See, you’ve put on the armor to keep people out, but what you’ve actually done is trap yourself in. You’re living in a prison of hurt and pain and it’s draining the energy and beauty of your life. I don’t know who did it, but let it go dearheart. You can’t afford to waste another moment….a life of meaning and purpose and beauty and fun awaits you!

You can be healed. You can live in peace, in fact you were made for it, so simply receive and know….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Breathe in grace and live in peace, that you might experience the adventure of life and all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #56- Brother and Sister Outsider

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I’ll begin with a disclaimer: THIS POST IS NOT FOR EVERYONE. Rather, this post is for those who have felt left out, called out, singled out and pushed out. This post is for those, who like myself, never quite fit in and struggled to simply be one of the crowd. This post is for those who, though they pretended well, knew they weren’t quite like everyone else. I have good news for you! You aren’t like everyone else and in fact, you were never meant to be like everyone else. You are different, but not simply different for difference sake; you are different with a purpose.

The last couple of days we’ve talked about authenticity and the burden we encounter when feeling obligated to live our lives based upon the expectations of others (see Posts #54 and #55). Today, I want to talk more specifically about the purpose behind our pain. Meaning, I want to offer meaning to the experience of not fitting in.  

I have recently concluded (after all of these years), that my inability to fit in has offered me great spiritual insight. I don’t neatly fit into most established boxes or categories. Likewise, during most of life I have found myself at the margins of nearly every group and identity, even within my own family. However, this experience has allowed me to 1) better understand the plight of those who are very different from myself, 2) more easily appreciate the perspectives of varying groups and 3) identify with people, without having to directly experience their circumstances. The experience of being an outsider has basically placed me in the seat of “observer” and “student” of humanity, thereby offering me powerful insight into the human condition, all of which has served me well in my life and vocation as minister and teacher of spiritual truths (I encourage you examine your life and discover what gifts being an outsider have provided for you).

However, if I had not learned to stop pushing against who and what I was, and simply surrender to the truth of my own marginalization, I would have missed the blessing it came to bestow. I had to realize, that it couldn’t be and in fact can’t be any other way. I am not like everyone else, and you aren’t either. We must understand that greatness, while it is a team sport, it’s not a group activity. In other words, we are interdependent and anyone who has accomplished great things has a long list of people of whom to thank for helping them along the way. However, purpose is lonely and solitary and most often misunderstood.  

Please, don’t get me wrong. I think everyone has a purpose and everyone is called to greatness, however, I have recently concluded that there is a difference among us. This difference shows itself in two ways.  First of all, we must acknowledge that some people simply never heed to the calling of their purpose. Due to reasons both within and beyond their control, never awaken to their greatness. They, unfortunately, die having never tapped into the potential that resides within. However, secondly, (and this has been the most difficult for me to accept), we are all called to different levels of “success.”

I put this word in quotations because our Westernized idea of success has become greatly entangled with notions of wealth, fame and privilege. On the contrary, I deeply believe that success is living out one’s own purpose….whether one ever achieves the aforementioned external trappings of what society says success looks like. This has been hard for me to wrap my mind around because within me is great ambition. I have dreams and hopes and aspirations that (I have come to accept) will extend me and my gifts to people around the world. Nevertheless, this is not and cannot be the calling or life purpose of everyone.

This became stingingly clear to me in the last few months. I was in conversation with a family member and was encouraging them to reach beyond their current job to seek a position in management, though they adamantly resisted, saying they “just fine.”  Me being me, I couldn’t quite understand why one wouldn’t want to do more, reach higher, achieve greater. Yet, it dawned on me that everyone had his or her own sacred contract to fulfill, and clearly it didn’t  involve nor could it involve EVERYONE being in management. I had to deduce that, yes…, in the words of Dr. King, there is dignity in all work. That, yes…we, as a society, should ensure everyone had the space, liberty and opportunity to be the very best they could be. However, no…this does not necessarily mean everyone will have the personal ambition or internal desire to be a leader. I had to accept that everyone is not meant to lead. 

So, the question remains, for those of us who do somehow feel led to lead our peers, to walk ahead of the pack and make some distinct contribution to the collective good…how do we accomplish it? For me, and I know for many of you, it begins with the experience of being an outsider. For being a leader means being misunderstood and at times being lonely. 

Risking making this post too long, I must share this with you! A friend recently posted the following to Facebook. It says volumes:

"Some of us are afraid to succeed simply because it will mean leaving the group behind. Leaving the group means you're now out there on your own to try, fail, recover, fail again etc., until you finally (hopefully) figure it out. The pursuit of success can be lonely and incredibly vulnerable. So much so that we often sabotage ourselves when we see it on the horizon. Most people are meant to be average. That status quo has governed accordingly for a reason. Making pursuits beyond average all the lonelier. Steve Jobs describes this as 'product people vs. process people. Jay [Z] calls it being 'first over the wall'. Compacted, it's Ye 'owning his genius'. The people who see beyond the status quo. The crazies. Anomalies. And sometimes we play small because that's the only way to remain in the group. But it's only the people who challenge the status quo, that change the status quo. You have to leave the group in order to advance it. The most fruitful explorations are solo or small group missions, in the hope that everyone waiting at home will benefit from what you find. Know, while on your mission most of the group expects you to fail. They're supposed to. Success is beyond their thinking. It's above average. Few people saw Jobs vision. Jay couldn't get a deal. Oprah & Puff [Sean Combs] were fired. The average person won't understand the process, only the outcome. My point is, remaining in the group is futile because the group isn't set up to support you anyway. You'd have to be less than you really are. And never play yourself small. Your unwillingness to leave the group might rob the group of what it needs to advance the average."

WOW!!!!! After that, there’s not much to be said. So, please remember….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. We are all meant for greatness in some way or another. We are all meant to serve humanity in ways big and small. However, some are meant to lead. It can be lonely and it can be frustrating, but it’s always worth it! So, are you leader? If so, keep your head up, keep your faith strong, and know there are  #bigthingscoming. 

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #55- No Limits!

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"If you live for people's acceptance of you; you will die from their rejection."

~Pastor Michael Miles, Desoto, TX

What do I know for sure? There are no limits. The universe is infinite and therefore offers an endless array of opportunity. In grade school we were likely given a glimpse of this truth. If we think back to high school math and science class, we were introduced to the concept of infinity. When we consider space, time, light, sound, numbers….all are infinitely unbound. And it’s within that sense of never-ending, everlasting, eternity…God exists. God is the all encompassing, everlasting, depth and breadth of life. God is all that is, and yet beyond. Most excitingly, that presence of deep eternity lives within us. God lives within us. Therefore, in our connection to God, we are an extension of eternity and hence have the capacity to access the infinite source and resource of the universe (just typing these words, I feel the presence of God and life fill the room!!). 

This notion of God may be slightly different from what you are accustomed to hearing, but God is not the bearded man in the sky. Rather, God can’t adequately be articulated in human words, which is why traditionally, the Hebrews wouldn’t even utter the name of GOD, rather allowing God’s name to be represented by five letters that we have conjugated over the years as the name Jehovah or Yahweh. Most importantly, each major religion teaches us that God…the creator of the universe, the source of all that is, the expansive, eternal, forever ONE resides within the essence of each human being; GOD is the spark of divinity, the power of soul, the breath of life, the energy of spirit and the creative genius within. Therefore, I truly believe each person has, in their own way, beauty, creativity, and brilliance within them. Getting it out, however, remains the problem.

Yesterday, I began a new “series” investigating the purpose and meaning of life and how one might reach the fullest expression and complete potential of themselves.  In other words, does each person have a purpose to fulfill? I believe so. Many spiritual teachers have called it a “sacred contract.” Meaning, we are here on earth for a reason…a divine purpose. Many find this difficult to accept and I totally understand why. When considering the misery and hardship of the world, most of which we inflict upon ourselves, it might be hard to fully accept that there’s any significant purpose behind it all. However, I must rely upon the bottomless echoes of my own soul. Somewhere within me I deeply know that I am here for a purpose, that my life has been constructed to teach me necessary and invaluable lessons crucial to completing my assignment. And as I stated yesterday, my biggest fear is failing the mission.

Today, I had planned on doing what so many of us gravitate to…what’s called T&Ts…. “Tips and Techniques.” In other words, I was going to immediately give the 1-2-3s of how to live out your purpose on earth. However, I must be honest in saying, though we like to be given easy steps (you know, the top 10 ways to do this, and the 5 steps to get a better that) it’s not quite that flippant. Living out your best life and fulfilling your purpose is an art, not a science, and it begins with being deeply grounded in the presence of your own authenticity. This may require many things that I’d like to discuss in coming days, but mostly it requires the courage to be yourself….and likewise, to leave the crowd.

Yesterday (in Post #54) I spoke briefly about a dream I had and how it prompted me to recommit to living a life unencumbered by the words, thoughts, and expectations of others. Today, rather than moving too quickly to the next “T&T,” please allow me to reiterate this truth in the context of the deep and endless scope of possibilities that await each of us. From within you and I resides an infinite presence, the very God of all, and from that immeasurable well of light and good and beauty and abundance, we can draw what we need to accomplish our divine purpose to the fullest extent possible….BUT, we only limit ourselves, and indeed sabotage ourselves, when we strain to carry with us the expectations of others.

Instead of seeking the God-wisdom within, so many of us have cluttered our minds and souls with the expectations of family, friends, and society. We’ve not been able to access the eternity of opportunity within because we’ve limited ourselves with the boundaries the world has set, as it tells us what we can’t do, can’t have, or cant’ be. Instead of living our own best lives, we have opted to live the scripted life that we think is most acceptable to the masses. Instead of living big, we’ve chosen to live small.

I have recently identified this as one of the most daunting reoccurring issues in my own life. I have never fit into any group…always too much of this and not enough of that. So, in my naïve yet childish desire to “just be like everyone else,” I disregarded the power of my own authenticity and almost sabotaged my own purpose. I nearly threw away who I was meant to be, to settle for the counterfeit I felt others expected me to be…..and it nearly killed me.

There’s more I’d like to say, but I don’t want to discourage some readers by the length of the post, so I’ll save it for tomorrow, where I’ll talk about more about what it means to be different, called out, and destined for greatness (we all have greatness but are some called beyond the rest?).  In the meantime…..

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Sit with this idea of infinity within; take off any limits because in truthful reality, they do not exist. If you feel it and feel led to do it, be it, or experience it, then go with your gut! Allow yourself to fall into the deep wells of possibility and all of the  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

You Know Me Lyrics by Bethel Music Ft. Steffany Frizzell

You have been
And You will be
You have seen
And You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall
When I come or go, You see it all
You hung the stars and You move the sea,
And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

You have been
And You will be
And You have seen
And You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall
When I come or go, You see it all
You hung the stars and You move the sea,
And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

And nothing is hidden from Your sight
Wherever I go, You find me
And You know every detail of my life
And You are God and You don’t miss a thing

And nothing is hidden from Your sight
Wherever I go, You find me
And You know every detail of my life
And You are God and You don’t miss a thing

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

You memorize me

Post #54- It Was Just a Bad Dream....I Hope!

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I awoke this morning from an alarming dream. It wasn’t a nightmare of the usual sort, but I literally dreamed I was late for an important job interview and my only transportation was a huge moving/delivery truck that was so heavy and cumbersome I couldn’t manage to drive it. The truck’s engine didn’t have enough “power” or “strength” to pull the massive load, so when woke from the dream, the truck was stalled on a hill and I had resigned to simply miss my appointment.

After I awoke, I immediately assigned meaning to the dream. I thought it was clear that the heavy load represented the weight of my “destiny” and that I simply needed more “power” to pull my heavy assignment. However, as I look deeper, there’s an element to the dream that makes me rethink my initial interpretation.

In the dream, the truck was borrowed. The heavy load didn’t belong to me, but to a childhood friend of mine (likely representing people and ideas from my past). And at the end of the dream, I was devastated to have missed such an important appointment! I kept asking myself, why didn’t I just take “my own” car.

I’m now convinced that the truck in the dream represents the expectations of others. I, like so many others, have borrowed the heavy load of other people and are simply running out of strength to carry them. In fact, if we don’t stop before it’s too late, we’re likely to miss our “appointment” with destiny, falling short of the best us we can be.

Indeed, this is my idea of a nightmare. My greatest fear isn’t of monsters; it’s of missing my purpose and living a life of irrelevance and insignificance. When I leave this earth I want to leave it in better shape than I found it. I want my life to mean something and I want to be the very best me I can be. And while I thought I had shed myself of the crushing pressure to live up to others’ expectations however, as in all things, this dream reminds me that liberation is a process that manifests itself through many levels.

Over the next few days I think I’ll focus the blog around finding purpose in life while identifying those things that can prevent us from doing so. However, today I remind myself of what’s most important, and that’s the calling of my own soul. I recommit myself to finding and doing “me” while locating areas where I’ve let what others think or say trump my own sense of individuality and authenticity.

I invite you to join me. Ask yourself, “Do I act certain ways around certain people? Is my personality adjustable depending on the crowd? Do I really want to be something, do something or have something yet fear of what others have to say holds me back? Do I bend the truth or tinker with the facts to either downplay or exaggerate some elements of my life? Am I hesitant to speak my truth as I know it, making excuses why I don’t?  Have I made life decisions regarding career, romance, spirituality, etc. based upon the expectations of friends, family or society?” For some of us, these instances are minor, for others, if we were honest, our whole lives have been based upon what others think, including the constant nagging desire to please someone or live up to some abstract standard, even that of our parents.

Be free of that today. Don’t find yourself, as I did in the dream, stalled while forfeiting your appointment with purpose. For…..

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Wake up from your bad dream; be freed from the opinions of others and open your arms to all of the  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #53- Relationship Wrap Up: It all Begins with Me

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I’ve really enjoyed the last couple of weeks as we’ve investigated the messy, difficult and sometimes heartbreaking experience of relationships (be sure to check the last few posts if you’ve missed one). Whether we are women or men, gay or straight, finding an appropriate life partner isn’t an easy undertaking. Throughout these posts, I’ve suggested that we seek out spiritual partnerships or what I like to call “grown-up” relationships, rather than relationships of the ordinary kind. In other words, I’d like someone who is open and honest, communicative and vulnerable, and is committed, above all else, to the process of my spiritual growth as I would be to theirs. I want someone who has the ability to look beyond the external me and fall in love with my soul, not just my body or personality.

As I wrap up this topic (though I’m sure we’ll revisit it at some point), there are a few nuggets of wisdom I’d like to affirm to myself and share with you. This list could go on and on and on, but in this limited space I’d like to offer just a few things that have most recently become very clear to me (let me know if you agree or not):

1. Don’t be Desperate. No one likes to think of themselves as “thirsty,” but the fact of the matter is, so many of us are too willing to give too much of ourselves too soon. People have to earn the right to both receive the “awesomeness” that is you as well to be invited into the most vulnerable parts of your soul. Personally, I’ve always thought of myself as a go-getter….I know how to hustle and give 110% to any endeavor in which I’m involved. However, I’ve recently had to remind myself that my willingness to “go after what I want” is nothing more than veiled desperation.  The fact remains, no matter what you give or offer, you can’t make someone do anything, especially want to be with you.
2. Let People “Be.” No doubt, we all know, at least intellectually, that we can’t change someone, but our hearts haven’t quite been convinced. Nevertheless, the only one we are responsible for changing is ourselves. But, if we were real honest, how much of our behavior in a relationship is actually manipulative, attempting to change the attitudes or behavior of our partners? This just doesn’t work. Instead of trying to find a perfect partner, we must learn to love our imperfect partners perfectly. And, if there are flaws that are deal-breakers….we must have the courage to love ourselves more and simply move on.
3. We Can’t Love Someone More than They Love Themselves.  So many of us are guilty of this. We can see the potential in our loved ones. We know what and who they could be if only they would only do “this” or stop doing “that.” Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. We can’t love someone more than they love themselves. Again, we aren’t responsible for changing anyone (no matter what the movies say). Our “love” isn’t enough….but as Whitney told us, the love we have for ourselves is “The Greatest Love of All.” So, we gotta stop stressing ourselves out, and learn how to Let Go, and Let God (see Posts #41-45).
4.  Finally and likewise, we must learn to love ourselves. I’ve said it before but it bears repeating, we must be happy and whole and complete, ALL BY OURSELF, before we enter into a spiritual partnership. That’s why it’s a good idea to have some time between relationships. If we aren’t whole within ourselves, we will unconsciously pass the responsibility of making us happy onto someone else. As one of my friends taught me (in quoting his grandmother), “you’re responsibility for your own good time!” Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. It sounds so simple but it’s so true. This is one of the fundamental reasons my last long-term relationship didn’t work…I made him responsible for my happiness, when the truth is, my happiness can only come from within me.

Your responses to these posts have been overwhelming and more than for anything else I’ve written so far but I don’t attribute that to my writing but rather to the collective pain we’re all experiencing surrounding relationships. I don’t believe there’s anything more comforting than having someone to unconditionally love us and walk with us along this journey. This kind of relationship or partnership goes beyond sexual attraction or sharing expenses, but is spiritual in nature. However, with all things spiritual and thereby all things in life, it doesn’t begin with finding someone who meets all of our physical, sexual, financial criteria, but rather it begins within. Our sense of completeness and wholeness will attract someone who has the same. Similarly, our sense of neediness and reckless abandonment will attract that kind of person as well.

In conclusion, please remember that even within a spiritual partnership, things won’t always be ‘peaches and crème’ but rather a spiritual partnership is meant to be a catalyst for growth and will certainly result in some emotional discomfort. But if your partner is the right one, and if you are vulnerable and honest about your insecurities, the discomfort will grow you closer to God and to each other. For….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Love you first and the right man or woman will come along in time.  For loving for oneself is part of all of the  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #52- Dating While Gay

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“Same Sex, Same Problems.”

~Crew from the Tom Joyner Morning Show

Ok, can we be honest? Gay couples have the same issues that heterosexual couples have….intimacy, trust, communication, in-laws, finances, infidelity, and even baby-mama drama for those of us who came late to the Pride Parade.  However, in addition to the same ol’ relationship crap that everyone else has to put up with, we also have our own unique set of issues that seem to plague our relationships and threaten our partnership bliss.

Before I dive into my diagnosis of gay relationship dysfunction, I have to make a disclaimer. Although my experiences are varied, meaning I have both been in a heterosexual marriage and am now dating (or attempting to date) men, I will admit that I have never been a lesbian and therefore can’t speak specifically to that dynamic. And though I think some of what I have to contribute can be applied to all types of romantic relationships, I want to be clear that I am speaking from the perspective of a gay man. With that being said, “what the fuck is wrong with us??”

To ask that question, I must clearly assume that something is indeed wrong with “us.”  So yes, this is my assumption. This past weekend marked Dallas’ annual Black Gay Pride weekend (for the benefit of my straight readers, yes, there is a “Black” Gay Pride and a “regular” Gay Pride in Dallas, as there are in most cities….don’t even ask, just another long story about the lingering affects of racism and division among we Americans, gay or straight). 

In the past I have not ordinarily participated in many Gay Pride events, Black or otherwise, mostly because I’ve been home with my young children. However, my kiddos aren’t so young anymore (they’re 14, 13, and 9 years old), so Friday night I partook in a very nice event that was attended by (according to my estimate) well over 100 black gay men.

Represented were men of varying ages, though most were under 40. Just looking around the room at the aesthetics, one might think they were viewing a critical mass of young, professional, BEAUTIFUL black men who were ready to take the world by storm. Upon closer examination, however, using a spiritual eye and a listening ear, it was clear that I was standing among a group of men who were in many ways hurting, insecure and wounded (not necessarily excluding myself).

It is a historical fact that society has railed more violently against the notion of male homosexuality. From research I did while in graduate school, I discovered that the vitriol against gay men is most likely to be directed toward the more “feminine” or “passive” or “receptive” male partner, and thereby has its roots in misogyny.

For example, throughout history lesbians have received little to no societal demonization but rather, in many ways have sexually intrigued the male power structure (this is by no means to say that gay women have not suffered a great deal of rejection and pain at the hands of their families, churches, communities, etc.; nor do I intend to minimize that pain in any way).  Likewise, the more “dominant” male, historically speaking, has received considerably less societal condemnation than the more effeminate gay male has. So, in other words, male patriarchy has asked, “How could a man give up his manhood by being penetrated by another man? To do so is to be as a woman….and we all know there’s nothing worse than being a woman.”

So, here we are in 2013, and as in any other struggle for personal and collective liberation, we must face the demons of the past in order to move beyond them. Therefore, the stigma of “gayness,” I would say, represents a huge obstacle to gay male relationships.

Granted, I have often said that I am an MSM (Man who Sleeps with Men), yet I am not necessarily gay. To me, the distinction is similar to being an African American versus being Black. To be African American speaks to one’s ethnic/racial heritage; being Black is a cultural-social-political designation (Clarence Thomas is an African American but he sho’ ain’t Black). Similarly, I am SGL, or Same-Gender-Loving. I am an MSM. I am, to be more clinical, a homosexual (or possibly bisexual, but there’s no need to go into that). However, due to my experiences as a father and former experiences as a husband, I don’t always share in the cultural aspects of being gay that most gay men in my peer group do. However, though it has been a process, I am very proud of who I am without judging who someone else may be.

Actually, the core issue is authenticity, which is a fundamental issue in all relationships, gay or straight. Being inauthentic, in the case of gay male relationships, simply takes on the form of stigma and prejudice against effeminacy, but it’s plain old inauthenticity nonetheless. What am I saying? If we could simply learn to 1) LOVE ourselves, 2) BE ourselves, and 3) ALLOW OTHERS to be themselves, our lives as gay men (or people in general) could be so much easier. 

As I stood in that crowd Friday evening, I saw more ego and posturing than I could almost stomach. This spiritual principle remains; hurting people hurt people. So, in most things I’ve learned not to take it personally. However, I couldn’t help but become troubled in my spirit as I stood and watched and listened. As I did, what did I see and hear????

• People gossiping and tearing down others because of how they looked, or how they were dressed, or because of their age, or because they didn’t somehow “meet the profile.”
• Men trying their damndest to present themselves as “masculine” and macho.
• Old fashioned rudeness (what the gay community might call “shade”) and people just looking for someone with whom to start an argument.

What didn’t I see? I didn’t see a lot of people who were comfortable in their own skin, completely loving and accepting who they were, and thereby offering that sense of wholeness to the world. Unfortunately in all romantic relationships, and gay ones are of no exception, we have fallen for the relationship myth that says we can find someone to “complete us.” In reality, if we’re not already complete when we meet Mr. or Ms. Right, we won’t be ready for a “grown-up relationship” and the likelihood of a real “spiritual partnership” will be diminished. In other words, if we’re not already whole, it won’t last.

So many gay men, particularly black gay men, seem to be afraid that someone will think they’re actually gay. However, if you have sex with another man, you are gay and no one of you is any gay-er than the other. Whether you’re a top or bottom, you’re still gay Boo-Boo. Whether you wear fitted jeans or baggy clothes, you’re still gay. Whether you wear ball caps or your face is beat with a full face of makeup, you’re gay. Whether you’re a football fanatic or your favorite sport is shopping….yep, still gay!

So, can we please get over ourselves! If you have a nice ass and someone compliments you on that fact, just say thank you…no need to explain to them that it’s “exit only.” These kinds of comments make you look desperate and insecure. For sexual position and sexuality is much like money. People with REAL money, don’t talk about it, they be about it. If you’re a top, no need to keep making public proclamations, just do your thing. Besides, as someone who is versatile, I have been with “tops” who enjoy their legs put in their air too….and there’s not a damn thing wrong with that! Also, I’ve been with “bottoms” who have an aggressive, take-charge, masculine side that I can dig as well. So, can we just move beyond the shame and the stigma and get on with loving and being loved?!!

In conclusion, if I could say one thing to gay men and black gay men particularly…..I would say to “STOP.” Just stop for a moment and get clear about who and what you are. Get clear about what and who you want and most importantly, get clear about why you want it.

Furthermore, it’s ok to be who you are. If you are stereotypically “effeminate” in some ways and traditionally “masculine” in others, it’s ok!  If you like some things sexually, there’s no shame in that! Being “gay” does not make you weak, nor does being a “bottom” make you less than. Please give up your archaic ideas surrounding relationships, gender and gender roles. Besides, why would we want to adopt the broken model of heterosexual relationships??? We see how successful they are, so why would we want to duplicate that mess?! For……

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. When you are ok with whom you are, you lack judgment for who someone else is.  Don’t fight what is, but relish in the beauty of your own authenticity…gayness and all. For when you embrace yourself, you embrace all of the  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)