Pay Attention- Christmas Lesson Part 2

For the past couple of years I have experienced a reoccurring dream. First, let me say that I am a big believer in paying attention to life and allowing our experiences to be our greatest teacher. The late televangelist Oral Roberts used to say there was a miracle coming our way every day, it was just up to us to reach out and receive it. In many ways I believe this. However, most days I believe each day offers the simple miracle of a life lived in the present while being self-aware. So, when I recently heard author, former monk and psychotherapist Thomas Moore say that our dream life can be considered more real than our conscious life, I paid attention.

I paid attention because, as I mentioned, I have a reoccurring dream. It’s not the exact same dream over and over but rather the same experience over and over. In dream after dream, night after night, my subconscious places me in circumstances that result in my being totally frustrated, confused and in some way out of control.

For example, I have dreamed that I was driving but the steering wheel wasn't working properly, causing me to swerve and barely keep the vehicle on the road. I have dreamed that I was looking for something, but just couldn’t find it (leaving with experience of searching and searching). I have dreamed that I was making a presentation and couldn’t get the computer to work, resulting in me being tangled in wires and cords…..and I could go on.

Each dream, while placing me in different scenarios, contained circumstances by which I was desperately trying to do or perform some task, yet finding myself discombobulated, angry and exasperated. If I offer an honest assessment of my life (which I truly believe in) I would say this “feeling” of struggle, anxiety and of 'being out of control” is not only a recurring experience in my dreams, but in my life.

Although I hold myself to a high standard, I can give myself a break by saying that I’ve done well in life (considering the limited resources I’ve had available to me). However, it’s never felt like it’s ever enough…I’ve even been guilty of saying that I don’t seem to have the time, energy and resources to accomplish all that I’d need to. And that brings me to my own version of “Blue Christmas” this season and the lesson of surrender I began in the last post (if you haven’t read the post “Unexpected Christmas Lesson” give it a look).

The particular circumstance offering me anxiety this Christmas is my oldest son, Trey. In my opinion, there is nothing that can make one feel more helpless and out control quite like the experience of parenting. I think this is especially true when parenting an adolescent. Granted, it can be a confusing time for them…they have bodies of adults and the brains of children. Nevertheless, for me, it feels much like my reoccurring dream where I wrestle with some seemingly simple task (such as driving or operating a computer mouse), yet with very little success.

Trey is headstrong, stubborn, and impulsive but with very little critical thinking skills. If you add that with the typical self-centered attitude of most teenagers, it’s enough to make you scream! While I struggle to find a way to guide him through this tumultuous time (not to mention dangerous...have you seen the news?), I am not without lots of “helpful” voices.

• My mother, who believes brute force is the answer to all of the world’s problems, thinks I should beat him.
• His mother (my former spouse) thinks he should just come back to live with her (although there are so many ways that could end in disaster that I don’t have time to type them all here).
• My brother, who has no children and knows not the perils of child discipline, thinks I should just put my foot down and “make” him to do this or that (which is always easier said than done).
• Other avenues of thought suggest I should send him to counseling (which is also a favorite of my brother who is a licensed therapist).
• While others say I should just love him through this, giving him space to figure it out on his own.

Maybe a mixture of all of the above is the magic key, but that’s just it. Is there a magic formula? I have ALWAYS wanted to be a parent, however I’m second guessing that decision more than ever these days because it is proving to be one more opportunity for me to feel like the world is swirling around me (much like the tornado in The Wizard of Oz)....one more example of my seeming inability to live life successfully.

What am I going to do about Trey? I don’t know, but there is one thing I have decided. I have decided to give up (as much as I possibly can). That doesn’t mean that I don’t love him, or care about him or am even hurt when he makes some really poor decisions. It means that I am at my rope’s end, which is, believe it or not, exactly where I believe God wants us. My reoccurring dream of feeling out of control, I believe, is nothing more than a constant reminder to me of the power of surrender.

See, surrender requires trust. It is a true test and testament of our faith. I’ll talk more about that test in my next post (I’ve already made this post too long) but until the next post, please know....

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. If you’re at your rope’s end, with your back against the wall…GOOD! That is where God is most glorified because you don’t know God is all you need until God is all you’ve got. Just hang in there because there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2015, Ray Jordan)

An Unexpected Christmas Lesson

Merry Christmas! That’s right, not just Christmas, but our annual hope and public proclamation is that it will be “merry”. This age-old greeting reminds us that our expectation for the holiday isn’t to be mediocre or average but happy and “holly jolly” and filled with exceeding joy…..

Geez! Just typing it is exhausting. Each year, there are many people who don’t experience the holiday this way, however,  this year I seemed to have heard from many more people than usual that it’s been particularly hard to get in the “Christmas spirit.”I have to admit, this year has been difficult for me as well.

Because I practice my spirituality in the tradition of liturgical Christianity, this time of the year isn’t as much about Christmas as it is about Advent. Advent is the beginning of the traditional Christian calendar and a time when we emphasize the spiritual practice of waiting, the spiritual gift of patience and the spiritual reality of the Divine being birthed, not only within Mary the mother of Jesus, but within each of us as well.

Yes, the birth of Jesus is thought to be a beautiful, holy and joyous occasion, however the time before Jesus’ birth was actually uncertain, anxious and even scary. From the terrifying declaration of the Angel to Mary, to the uncertainty of Jesus’ birth (remember, they were essentially homeless at the time) to the decree from Herod to have all of the male babies and toddlers killed, thus causing the young Jesus and his parents to flee (as refugees, no doubt) to Africa to escape his murderous rampage. Now, that’s some scary sh*t!

So, today I find solace in this story as I face my own sense of uncertainty, fear and sadness this Advent and Christmas season. To say it bluntly, my life wasn’t supposed to end up this way. Believe me, I had great plans! Plans for me, and what my family and life would look like. Needless to say, NONE of them have worked out according to my master plan.

If I were to be completely honest, my life is a mere remnant of what it was “supposed” to be, the point it would be almost unrecognizable to a young Ray, full of hope and promise. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want anyone to cry for me or play the world’s smallest violin. I have a good life and I have so much to be thankful for! In many ways I am stronger and wiser than I’ve ever been. I am definitely more authentic than I’ve ever been (and this fact alone is worth all of the sacrifices I’ve made). However, the all of the wealth of good things in my life can’t completely steer me away for noticing the areas of dysfunction, lack and disappointment.

So, what is there for me to do? I, again, turn to the story of Jesus’ birth. When poor Mary, a young teen whose life was completely turned upside-down by unexpected circumstances, was confronted with unexpected life plans she simply responded with these words (as recorded in Luke 1:38),

“Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me, according to your word.”

Yes, that’s the word for me (and possibly you) this Advent and Christmas…the lesson of surrender and the ability to let go. I’ll talk more specifically about my own situation and how this applies in my next blog post (it feels good to be writing again). But until then, please know that…

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. If your Christmas isn’t exactly “merry”, then you are in good company. The first Christmas wasn’t exactly good times either. Fear and uncertainty are as much of faith as is victory and triumph; one is incomplete without the other. But no matter what the season presently looks like, just remember there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2015, Ray Jordan)

A Testament to 20 Years of Friendship: My Salute to Arthur Ingram!

I am aware that many of us have not had good experiences with so-called "friends." I also know that for some of us, true friendship has been few and far in between. So, I cannot let the month of August pass without acknowledging the 20th anniversary of my friendship with Arthur Ingram. I know no one who is more loyal, compassionate, caring, and trustworthy.

20 years ago, August 1995, Arthur and I met as new students at the Arkansas School for Mathematics and Science, a magnet residential high school (Gosh!! I can't believe it's been that long ago!). We initially viewed each other with puzzlement and possibly a bit of suspicion, but both quickly faded and an amazing friendship developed...one that has lasted the test of time and all that life could possibly throw at us.

Together, Arthur (aka Luther...private joke) and I have braved ups and downs, life and death (literally the birth of our children and deaths of our loved ones), weddings and funerals, marriages and divorces, financial hardships and times of surplus, not to mention fights and arguments, and church and church folk (and God knows that alone is a test of patience). But through it all...Arthur has stood by my side when all others deserted me. When I was in the abyss of life's turmoil, one of the ONLY persons I could call and count to be a REAL friend, was Arthur Lee Ingram, Jr.

He has been my friend and confidant, my brother and my soulmate through thick and thin...when it was convenient and certainly when it was not. I could fill this blog with pages and pages of stories, experiences, anecdotes and memories, but I'll simply end by saying this. I only pray that I have been or can be the kind of friend he has been to me. Arthur, I love you more than you could ever know. You are my brother and I salute your spirit. You, my friend, are truly one of kind! Here's to another 20 years!!!

P.S. This is the only picture I could find of us...

and it's from 10 years ago!

This must be fixed!!

Post 77- Birthday Blues: A Special Blog on the Occasion of my XXth Birthday

Both my biggest obstacle and my best gift is my propensity to think. In fact, I “think” that I probably THINK too much. But I always have. I have always had a tendency to deeply consider the true meaning of things, including the ultimate question of the universe…..(cue the music) the meaning of life (dum, dum, duuummmm!!). Unfortunately, the occasion of my birthday is no different.

I have always had a precarious relationship with my birthday. Growing up, my family didn’t make much of birthdays. Not due to religious reasons, but we just didn’t. I was lucky to get a half-hearted “happy birthday,” and a homemade cake (but only if I asked). In fact, I only had one birthday party as a child, at the age of nine. My second and last birthday party was at the age of 30. It was a surprise party thrown by, my then, partner (thanks Lawrence!!).

Today, my birthday has become a reminder of my age and what I haven’t accomplished. Yes, I know. Nobody likes a pity-party, so I won’t invite you to one. However, I simply want to make the point that my life wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.  I wasn’t suppose to be a divorced parent of three, a former “DL” pastor who is recovering from financial ruin. Does that sound familiar? How many of us are living a life we didn’t plan? How many of us are experiencing circumstances we didn’t expect? Awwww, such is life!

I know I’m not alone, but I can honestly say it wasn’t supposed to be like this!! At this age, I was supposed to have accomplished much more! I was supposed to have traveled to many more places! I was supposed to have been on the fast track to success and wealth and achievement (everyone predicted it). But I am where I am…and somehow and someway, I must be ok with it.

No, my life hasn’t gone according to plan…but whose does? No, there are many more things I want to accomplish…but if there weren’t what kind of life would I be living? So, in order not to make this post too long (I’ll continue investigating my birthday blues in later posts), I’ll simply say:  life is a journey. Better yet, it is an experience. 

Episcopal priest and theologian, Barbara Brown Taylor, says we shouldn’t see life as a journey, but rather as a sailboat ride. The idea of journey, she insists, indicates we start at one place but only to be satisfied when arrive at the final destination (and what would that destination be, anyway…death?) However a sailboat ride indicates a “to-and-fro,” an experience of adjusting and modifying and responding to what is, even if it’s not what was expected.

So…..on this my (gulp!) 36^th birthday (you don’t know how much it pains me to say/type it…but more about that in a later blog), I offer you these words:

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Yes, life may not be what we planned, but it is what it is! So, our job is not to judge it, but make the best of it! Hang in there, trust that things are unfolding the way they should and know that there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2015, Ray Jordan)