Post #50- Note to Self

I have to admit it. These relationship posts have been cathartic, so I encourage you to do the same. I encourage you to keep a journal, write down your experiences and thoughts regarding your current or past relationships….get clear about what you want and begin to you see yourself in a spiritual partnership.

Also, I’ve heard from many readers of the blog, from many different walks of life, all saying that they’ve enjoyed and been helped. The ONLY reason I’m not simply journaling but are making my thoughts and life drama public, is my hope that it might help someone. So, thank you for letting me know it has!

I’ll pick back up with our relationship chat on Monday; however, today I want to share Tyler Perry’s appearance on CBS This Morning. The show has a special reoccurring segment called “Note to Self,” in which celebrity guests write a note to their younger selves. Yesterday the show aired Tyler’s note and I have to say, it BROKE ME DOWN!! So, today, I share it and pray it ministers to you, as it did me.

~Ray

Note to Self

Post #49- The Pain of the Past

“Be Healed, Be Delivered and Be Set Free”

~Bishop G.E. Patterson

Rejection…..what an ugly word. I know it’s not inherently ugly, but, as with any other word, it has the power to invoke emotion and memory within us. For me, the very word reminds me of what’s scariest about relationships. At the end of the day we all simply want to be loved and accepted…wholly, fully and passionately and the thought of someone not doing so, makes us feel “rejected.”

If you simply take a look around you’ll see that relationships are a hot topic. From tabloid stories on which celebrity couple is in and which are out to self-help books and dating websites (heck, I’m even dedicating several posts of my blog to them), the human desire to be coupled is undeniable….and normal. We are social creatures and I believe we are better together than we are apart, therefore romantic relationships are a normal extension of our capacity to be social, and in many ways are the most telling type of social relationship we have.

What do I mean? Romantic relationships (at least in the Western world) are totally voluntary, so someone can choose to love and care for us….or not (scary stuff, huh?) Also, they require, when done correctly, for us to be vulnerable and transparent, giving our partners a good look at who we really are and allowing them to decide if what they see is really what they’d like to be with for the REST OF THEIR LIFE. And when you add the element of sexual attraction, trying to match who and what we like with someone who will feels the same toward us, relationships can be a messy endeavor. Therefore, the possibility of rejection or feeling rejected is likely.

There is nothing like feeling rejected. It is a heart-wrenching experience that cuts to the very fabric of what it means to be human. When we feel rejected by someone, especially someone we care for, we have a tendency to take on the rejection as feelings of self-loathing, asking ourselves, “Am I not good enough…Am I not smart enough...Am I not pretty or cute enough …Am I not enough.” 

Rejection, unfortunately, is a feeling I know all too well. Growing up I felt rejected by and in nearly every area of my life:

• I felt rejected by my mother who was absent due to a drug addiction.
• I felt rejected by my father, who was in prison, and then by his family who never cared to reach out to us in his absence.
• I felt rejected by the black kids because they said I spoke and acted "too white."
• I felt rejected by the white kids because…well, I was usually the only black kid in the group and they never let me forget it.
• I felt rejected by my male peers because I acted “gay.”
• I felt rejected by my female peers because they never saw me as dating material.
• I felt rejected by young people and contemporary culture because I just didn’t get it and wasn’t “cool” enough (or whatever phrase was being used in the 90’s).
• I felt rejected by adults because I was always being told to “go play with the kids.”
• I felt rejected by my cousins and church peers (which were one and the same) because I was an overachiever and the Sunday School “teacher’s pet.”
• I felt rejected by my family because I was “different” and “weird” and they let me know it.

Similarly, the saga continues today because:

• My education and experience often cause me to enjoy things other folks my age don’t seem to enjoy (especially African American men within my peer group).
• Now that I have fully embraced my sexuality, I feel rejected by the Church because I’m SGL (same-gender-loving).
• Likewise, I often feel rejected because I have children and have been married so I’m too “straight” to be gay and yet too “gay” to be straight.

In many ways, rejection has become the “norm” and the most consistent companion I have. However, here lies the danger with any pain that we’ve experienced. We have to be very careful not to fall back into the familiar, especially when what’s familiar to us is the pain of our past or present, because doing so inevitably blocks us from seeing the blessing of our today and tomorrow.

Every day offers a new mercy and every moment a new opportunity for love and laughter and peace and renewal. If I allowed it to, the rejection of my past would sabotage every new relationship, cutting it off at the legs before it ever had the chance to develop into a spiritual partnership. We must remember that this one, is not the old one; therefore we can’t make this one pay for the other one’s mistakes.

Rest assure, when we enter into relationships with persons who have the capacity to be our spiritual partner, their presence in our life will touch every tender place and invoke every emotional trigger. It’s what spiritual partners do. But the difference between someone who is abusive and someone who is there to assist in our spiritual growth resides in the pure motive, intention, and rationality of their actions. Meaning, their actions aren’t malicious, disrespectful or ill intended, but our perception of them induces emotion and discomfort. So, if you are in a spiritual partnership, you will be patient with each other. You will walk through the discomfort together, getting beyond the surface to the root cause.

In my case, any spiritual partner I have (or anyone I’m dating that might have the potential of being a spiritual partner) will incite the pain of rejection (that’s my trigger, what’s yours?). I know this, so as I date or become close to someone….if I’m serious about growing spiritually, I can count on opportunities to feel offended and rejected to present themselves.

In some instances, will I have a valid point? Possibly. In many others, will I be overreacting and feeling “some kinda way” for no real reason…you betcha! Will the person I’m dating need to know this, and be asked to be patient with me. Yes. Will that person oblige? Only if they are spiritual partnership material.

For most of us, rejection is a scary proposition. No one wants to feel it, in fact most of us run away from it like the plague (which may be why we keep sabotaging our relationships and hurting good people….or why others we care for can’t quite seem to commit). I’m well versed in the pain of rejection, and know that any spiritual partnership I enter will, in part, be there to help heal me of that pain…as I will be there to help my partner heal their pain.

In the words of G.I. Joe, “knowing is half the battle.” Once you know what’s going on, you will understand that life is not happening to you but for you. Every circumstance and situation, those that feel good and those that don’t, is here for your healing, growth and success. So, use them! Some relationships are for a reason, others for a season, and yes, some for a lifetime. Rejection, however, only comes when we confuse them. For….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Spiritual Partnerships come to heal you, so let them do their job. Be aware of what’s going on in your mental and emotional self, and be delivered from the the fear of rejection and/or the pain of your past. For if you live in fear, rather than love, you’ll miss all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #48- I am Light

Spirituality 101: We are responsible for our own lives. I hate to start off with such a hard truth, but the sooner who can receive this, understand it and be ok with it, the sooner we get on “living” rather than simply being alive. 

Yes, no doubt, we are all born into different sets of circumstances. Yes, I agree; some folks are born into loving families with the means to provide the best the world has to offer while others are born into the world with more than their fair share of odds stacked against them. However, there’s really nothing we can do about the conditions in which we were born. As yet another cliché says, it’s not the hand we’re dealt but the way we play the cards that really matter. Again, I wholeheartedly believe in advocacy for the least among us (I personally want to leave the world in better shape than how I found it), but when we are examining the path and options of own lives, we must give up all excuses and do the best we can with what we’ve got.

Wait a minute! What does all of this have to do with relationships?  This lesson, I believe, serves us well when considering relationships. Likewise, some of us have had more than our fair share of bad relationships and lousy partners. However, if we do a gut check, with full honesty and transparency, we’d have to admit that “we” are the common denominator among them all. So, before we can fully move toward the beauty of a spiritual partnership (read yesterday’s post), we must first take full responsibility for our role in the bad relationship(s) of the past.

The blame-game does us no good. In fact, last year when I sat in the rumbles and ruins of my last relationship (ending after five years), instead of coming up with a list of things he had done wrongly, I instead decided to (or rather, was led to) come up with a list of 5 or so things I could have done better (and to my great shock, the list swelled to almost 20 things….seriously God??).  Still today, when I am tempted to point out his faults and mistakes, I am reminded that any negative words laced with poisonous energy that I might have toward him, will only come back to sabotage my own sense of wellbeing and hopes of attracting the “right” one into my life (as my mother so eloquently says…”Karma is a bitch!”).

The one thing I hope you can take away from this post is this small but powerful truth….the success of our relationships has much more to do with “us” than it does with “them.” In fact, who “they” are is none of “our” business. Our job in a spiritual partnership is not to nag someone into spiritual maturity, but offer ourselves and our lives as both a mirror and catalyst for their growth (believe me, if it’s right, it’ll happen naturally). This doesn’t mean that we don’t ask questions, offer suggestions, have open dialogue and even challenge our partners at times, but it does mean we must be very aware of our own subtle and unconscious attempts at manipulating our beloveds into doing or being what we see fit, rather than what God sees fit.

In the end, spiritual partnerships are about love and surrender. In fact, sometimes we must love someone enough to surrender them, or let them go. We must know that some folks simply aren’t interested in having a spiritual partnership (no matter how much we want them to be, usually due to how fine/cute/sexy we think they are). We can’t manipulate or force someone into spiritual growth or a grown-up relationship with us. There are SOOOOOOO many of us out here who are unhappy, putting up with neglect, bad behavior and down right abuse in hopes that someone will change. In fact, we may even try to change them.

This is a mistake. I’ve been guilty of it….. sometimes I’ve found myself loving the other person more than they love themselves.  Take it from me, this will not work . It takes two committed “equals” to be in a spiritual partnership and what I’ve just described isn’t "equal" but rather a parasite sucking the blood from its host. Don’t be a parasite and certainly don’t be the host. 

We must love ourselves enough to stand in a sense of dignity and divinity, while disallowing folks from treating us poorly. We must know that we are worthy of better! We are made in God’s image, and thereby we should permit that image to shine forth in the dark night of relationship chaos. Hear these words from the song “I am Light” from India Arie’s latest album:

I am light, I am light

I am not the things my family did
I am not the voices in my head
I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside

I am light, I am light

I'm not the mistakes that I have made or any of the things that caused me pain
I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind

I am light, I am light

Being a spiritual partner is rooted in a commitment to spiritual growth…our own and that of our partner. However, we must come to grips with the fact that some people simply aren’t ready for our light. Meaning, we can’t move them faster than they are ready to go or God is ready for them to go, nor should we put up with the foolishness of someone who isn’t ready or able to be in a grown-up relationship.

So, in the meantime, we must prepare. We must look within ourselves for the healing of our past. We must allow God to do what God needs to do, and we must trust God/The Universe to perfectly put in place the path that will lead to peace.

Finally, we must SURRENDER and know that if a special someone doesn’t come along, we are totally whole, complete and at peace within ourselves. It’s only this type of inner peace and outer confidence that can attract a true spiritual partner. For…

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Spiritual Partnerships require a deep examination of ourselves, for grown-up relationships are more about “us” than they are about “them.” Love yourself wholly, love your partner intentionally and together enjoy all of the  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #47- Relationships vs. Spiritual Partnerships

I don’t want a relationship. Or maybe I should clarify; I don’t simply want a relationship. At this point in my life I’m more interested in a spiritual partnership. As with many things I've felt but didn't know how to explain, I have wanted and even longed for this most of my life though I didn’t know how to articulate it. In yesterday’s blog I began (in a little bit of a rant) my pure frustration with the status quo of relationships.  And while one might say that I live in a fantasy world, refusing to just accept reality, I respond by saying…. “So be it!” It may be a fairy tale, but I simply refuse to accept the unadulterated junk that some folks try to pass off as “relationship.”

With that in mind, you may ask, what exactly do I mean, then, by a spiritual partnership? The best-known definition probably comes from author and spiritual teacher Gary Zukav (as featured on The Oprah Show), who says:

“A spiritual partnership is a partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth.”

Within this understanding, a marriage/relationship may or may not be a spiritual partnership. Just think of all of the reasons people enter into relationships. Finances, not wanting to be alone, sex, tradition, family, or a lack of self-esteem can all be attributed to why people enter or stay in relationships. However, in my opinion, the most important component is missing……..Spiritual Growth.  So, when I speak of not settling for less than the best, I mean not settling for less than this kind of spiritual partnership/grown-up relationship. The “best” has nothing to do with the external superficial elements of a person, but rather, if they are able and willing to walk alongside you for the purpose of spiritual growth.

Gary goes on to say:

“A spiritual partnership is between people who promise themselves to use all of their experiences to grow spiritually. They use their emotions to show them how to create constructive and healthy and joyful consequences instead of destructive and unhealthy and painful consequences. Can you imagine using a horrible, painful, can't-get-any-worse experience to grow spiritually? Those are among the best kind. Spiritual partners don't squander them by exploding in rage or dissolving into depression.”

Yes!!! This is exactly the kind of “grown-up” relationship I’ve been seeking my entire life. While spiritual partnerships can be forged between friends and family, I think they are equally if not more effective between romantic partners. With romantic partners you have the unique opportunity to experience the most diverse love imaginable because you can love them as your family, as a best friend, AND as a lover, a component not available to mere family and friends. For me, this is the sacred blessing of a spiritual partnership or what I often call, “grown-up relationships.”

I want someone to open their heart and someone in which I can trust my heart to. Someone, who when they see my heart and all of my imperfections, won’t judge me but love me…not in spite of but because of.  Someone I can be my truest self, my authentic self, and they love and accept me just the same.

Likewise, I also want someone who will call me on the carpet when I’m not living up to my values, challenge me when I’m wrong, and call me to be my best self and meet my highest potential. In other words, I want someone who will love me just as I am, yet care too much to leave me that way. In final analysis, I also want someone who is open and vulnerable and secure enough to allow me to be the same for them. Now, that’s a grown-up relationship!

I think I’ll stop here and let this marinate! Over the next few posts I want to lead a discussion, and tackle how this kind of real grown-up relationship looks and feels.  I’ll even give my thoughts surrounding the messy dynamics of male/female relationships (as someone who has been married to a woman but now sees it from the perspective of the “gay friend”…. I think my insight can be helpful). I’ll even commit a post or two to speaking directly to gay men and black gay men specifically (God, we have soooooo many issues).

In the meantime, please do me a favor, if this concept is speaking to you, share this blog with your friends and on your social media outlets? Let’s do what we can to start a revolution!

Get ready for tomorrow, when I’ll talk about how to attract this into your life, especially when you meet people who aren’t interested in this kind of spiritual partnership. Because let’s be honest, if we keep attracting the same kind of no good person, the common denominator is us….and quite simply, if we quit taking their crap, they’d stop giving it….but more on that tomorrow. Until then, remember….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Anyone can have a relationship, but only the mature seek spiritual partnerships. For, these kinds of grown-up relationships call you to be your best, helping you receive all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

P.S. India Arie is coming to town and I have tickets! She is one of my favorite artists and spiritual teachers, for her songs are like prayers. Please take a moment to enjoy this one from her latest project. It's my FAVORITE! Please listen to the lyrics because it speaks to the kind of spiritual partnership we all seek. 

Post #46- Relationships 101

“If you treat someone like a celebrity, don't be surprised when they treat you like a fan...”

~ Post from a friend’s Facebook page.

Ok, I’ve avoided this topic since I created this space four months ago; primarily because I am not in a successful long-term relationship. However, I’ve had two failed long-term relationships (one six years and the other five), so that should count for something, right?? Well, I’ve spent the vast majority of my adult life “coupled” and from those experiences I’ve gained an insight or two that I’d like to share or at least discuss with you as I welcome your continued feedback (In other words, if you have something to add, please comment below.  We need each other!).

I can openly admit that I live in a fantasy world. Since I was a child I have noticed things about the world that have deeply troubled me, although I didn’t always have words to articulate my thoughts and feelings. For example, I can remember noticing that my white friends seemingly had a sense of entitlement that I didn’t have or didn’t feel I was allowed to have (I have since come to understand this as “white privilege”). Also, I can remember being baffled by the idea of capitalism and the amount of pure greed and opportunism in the world. Granted, as a child I didn’t know the words capitalist and opportunism nor did I understand concepts such as European Imperialism or Western Individualism. I simply knew that, within my pint-sized self , the world needed more community and cooperation. This seemed like a no-brainer!

So, in many ways I have refused to go along to get long. I believe that life is our own game and we get to make up the rules. Therefore, if I see something in the world that bothers me, I intentionally (and quite naturally) act counter-culturally, refusing to conform with the way of the world.

Likewise, I can remember seeing the rabid dysfunction among my family and within their intimate relationships. Vowing that I would NEVER be like them, I went forth choosing to live in very different ways, however something along the way hasn’t quite gone as planned. Fast forward….I have not been involved in domestic violence, nor have my children witnessed the drug and alcohol abuse or horrifying family turmoil that I did as a child, but I stand before you, as a seemingly unabashed failure at romantic relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, my two longest relationships had some great times and the shorter ones were a lot of fun too. However, I got married at 19 years old, and while my ex-wife can testify that we had a WONDERFUL married, I didn’t really know who I was at 19 (but who does at that age), and as I grew both mentally and emotionally, I realized that I was somewhat physically bisexual but emotionally gay (I love women but I'm more emotionally attracted to men) and thereby needed to explore other dimensions of my sexuality.

Less than two years after my wife and I separated, I met a great guy but we moved a little too fast. He was only 3 years younger than I, yet he was decades younger in life experience. I’m not sure he was ready for “baby-mama” drama, three young children and a partner with lots of emotional baggage. He made mistakes, I made mistakes and it ended a little over a year ago after a five-year ride.

Thankfully, the last 15 months has been an incredible master class of self-improvement and empowerment. Who I have been, was always meant to be and was becoming seemed to meet in a place of peace, self-discovery, self-confidence and pure joy. I have had a lot of fun being single and simply dating and getting to know people. More importantly, I feel like the last 15 years has prepared me to be the person I am today and it’s only recently that I feel as if I am actually READY for a real-life grown-up, spiritual partnership (I’ll talk more about the difference between a relationship and a spiritual partnership tomorrow).

So, as I have opened myself to the possibility of a new relationship, one of two things has happened. I have either 1) Met someone who is crazy about me, yet I only feel “friend” energy for them or 2) Found myself interested in someone who hasn’t really returned the interest in me (ain’t this always the case!)

However, what I have noticed particularly, either within my own dating interactions or in the interactions of those around me, is that there are a lot of grown-ass people, who aren’t really ready for “grown-up” relationships. What do I mean???

Again, this is what I refer to as my living in a fantasy world, but I am silly enough to think that if someone shows interests in you and you in them, and you consequently treat them "well," with respect and courtesy and caring consideration.....then they should return the goddamn sentiment! Hello somebody! Is this too much to ask?

Instead, we have grown-ass people playing little kid games. Hence, let me start this manifesto from some of the things I’ve experienced in addition to so many of the things my friends have shared with me (and feel free to add to it in the comments section below):

1.  If you invite me out, then I expect that you wont’ leave me standing there for long periods of time, ignore me, or openly flirt with others in my face. Where they do they at?
2.  If, when I’m with you, you are constantly on your phone, never missing a beat, then when “I” texted you, I expect that you return my text with similar urgency.
3.  I expect you to be honest and transparent with me. Don’t drag me along when you have no intention of committing or being in a relationship.
4. Don’t judge me, try to change me or control me (nor will I do these things to you), but rather love and accept me for who I am.
5.  Open up your mouth and communicate, for heaven’s sake! I can’t read your mind!
6.  Be in touch with your feelings; know who you are and what you want, and for God’s sake, be willing to be vulnerable.
7.  Listen to me and hear with your heart!!
8.  Support me and try to get along with my friends and family, rather than being jealous of my friends and family. And if there’s a problem, please come to me and handle it like an adult instead of creating beef with my loved ones.
9. Be genuinely interested in me…as I am you. If the entire relationship revolves around you, you, you….what you want, what you need, etc, there’s’ a problem.
10. And finally, know that I’m not here to hurt you. I’m on your side. I’m ‘ride or die,’ so recognize what you have before you fuck it up!!

We’ve all heard the saying, “Don’t make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs.” And of course there’s the quote I included at the top of this post. Whatever your favorite relationship cliché is, there’s no doubt that romantic relationships can be some of the most demanding. In fact they caused me to post to Facebook today that I like neither men nor women but was asexual (hahaha!); in other words I was throwing in the dating towel. But on second thought, I’ve decided differently. I think I’ll keep a little hope. 

I’ll use the next few days to share some things I’ve learned along this journey; but in the meantime, remember….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Relationships can be difficult, but they don’t have to be. Keep the faith and don’t settle for anything less than the best (more about this tomorrow as well), for there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #45- Control Freak

Today I want to end our conversation on “letting go.” As always, I’ve been humbled by the messages of encouragement and affirmation from those who follow the blog and have taken the time to let me know how they’ve enjoyed it. I simply respond by saying, “If God can use my little ol' raggedy life and the lessons I’ve learned along the way to help someone else, be my guest!” Again, you’re always invited to post a comment here and hopefully create a dialogue with others, beause I believe we are stronger and wiser together than we are apart.

Over the past week I’ve shared my curiosity and thoughts surrounding the notion,  “Let Go and Let God.”  I’ve heard this saying most of my life (primarily in Christian circles, although it has become more universal in recent years), therefore I accepted it at face value without much thought or consideration. However, as I’ve begun to live a more mindful life, one that is awake and aware, I have begun to give more thought and attention to the clichés I previously took for granted. Such is the case with the adage, “Let Go and Let God.”

What does “Let Go” really mean, and furthermore, how can it be accomplished? I’ve lifted many areas that I think overwhelmingly confront us in this crazy, busy, complicated, hurried life we live (if you haven’t read the past several posts, please do; I think they’ll help you). However, today I sum it all up in one word, control.

If we are to let God be God; if we are to embrace the miraculous, the joyous, the spontaneous, the healing, the reconciling, the beautiful, and the loving (better known, collectively, as God), we must learn to let go and primarily to let go of control.

This, again, is one of the great paradoxes of life. Are we to be unmotivated, lazy, passive, dependent, inactive or unengaged in our own lives? I would resoundingly say “NO!” In fact, I believe we are co-creators with God, meaning God invites and in many ways requires our participation. God has given us great depths of resources within the world as well as our very soul, thereby it’s incumbent upon us to tap into that potential and live a life that is authentically meaningful and powerful. Nevertheless, in the great scope of things, we must surrender control, and trust that God/the Universe knows what’s best, not only for us, but for others as well.

During the summer I offered a post entitled, “Go with the Flow.” For more, you can look to that post, however, here, I want to simply remind us that in order to receive God’s best, we have to surrender our best. In other words, God can dream a dream for us, bigger than we can dream for ourselves. So, in the midst of planning and organizing, please leave some room for God. Please be awake and aware to what you’re feeling and hearing, so that when the Spirit moves you’ll be flexible and nimble, ready to make the shift.

No doubt, letting go of control can be scary, but scary is where faith resides. See, we can’t call it faith if there’s no element of uncertainty, vulnerability and risk. If you have it all figured out, with no room for mystery and discovery, then call what you do something else, because it’s not faith. Faith can be scary, risky and even heart wrenching, but the seeds of our faith always reaps a harvest of God’s best. The investment of letting go, renders the return of letting God.

Though I’ve learned this within my own life planning, the most challenging application of this lesson has been in my relationships with others. I had to come to the realization that everyone has a journey…. a uniquely individualized course of study, and just because I wanted someone to change or be different, didn’t mean they were ready to and in fact didn’t even mean they needed to. Similarly, by both vocation and calling I am an academic, a teacher, preacher, life coach, and spiritual adviser. However, I’ve learned (and am still learning) how to balance these core attributes of who I am with the requirements of healthy interpersonal personal relationships. Meaning, sometimes the people in my life just need a friend, coworker, cousin, son, lover, or brother ……… and not Ivanlya Vanzant! Hahaha! I’m learning how to allow people to “be” and simply lead by example, and not by decree. I’ve learned (and am still learning) how to allow God to use my presence and who I am to speak, rather than my trying to “fix” everyone’s problems.

So, I encourage you to do a gut check! Internally, are you tied in knots? Do you feel frustrated, anxious, fearful or angry? If so, pay attention and feel. These emotions are good indicators that there are areas of life for which you need to relinquish control. Intellectually concede to this point, commit to a life free of manipulation and control of others, and emotionally rid yourself of control’s presence (this can be done through yoga, meditation, prayer, exercise, counseling, etc….. you can look to an earlier post where I discuss my own meditation practice for some helpful hints).  Because….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you.  Know that every detail of your path can’t be planned, so let go of the anxiety of trying to do so. Likewise, know that other folk are, too, on their own journey; so don’t misconstrue helpfulness with a veiled attempt to manipulate and control their decisions and life choices. Finally, know that surrender is a daily commitment and act of meditation/worship. So, learn how to “be” and ultimatley led to all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #44- Letting Go of Foreboding Joy

I’ve heard it said, and I believe it. The most terrifying, panic-stricken experience we can have is…..joy.  “Joy,” you ask? Yes…joy.

It’s an experience we’ve all had; just ask any parent. It’s that moment in which you look at your sleeping child with deep love, gratitude and joy, and then instantly find that you’ve almost slipped into a full blown panic attack at the very thought of anything happening to them. It’s the moment, in the midst of good news or a great accomplishment, that you remind yourself not to celebrate too enthusiastically because this “good” thing can’t last forever. It happens when we’re always looking back to yesterday’s pain or forward to tomorrow’s perceived heartbreak that we lose the precious experience of today’s blessing. Yes, in our letting go, we must let go of foreboding joy.

This has been a lifelong issue for me, though until recently I didn’t even identify it as a problem. I didn’t recognize that I wasn’t fully enjoying the good moments of life because I was too busy

·      Doubting their authenticity (“This seems too good to be true.”),

·      Waiting for them to end (“It won’t last!”),

·      Being suspicious of them (“Wait a minute, something good is happening to me?”), or

·      Finding fault with them (“Yea, that [good thing] might be so, but what about this [bad thing]?”).

Foreboding joy can be experienced in every area of life but can often be easiest seen in romantic relationships. When we meet a potential dating partner, so many of us spend way too much time “thinking,” rather than enjoying. We are either comparing this one to the last one or worrying about the future, what it may hold or if there will even be a future. And if we’ve been hurt in the past, we are on pins and needles just waiting on disappointment to show up and shatter our dreams.  Therefore, in ways both conscious and unconscious, we sabotage our own joy, leaving us with a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, I suggest that we stop chasing our joy away and just sit in it, and enjoy it.

Much as I’ve suggested we do with other emotions (did you read those posts?), joy is no different. We should sit and experience our joy, get lost in the moments of joy, and truly feel the energy of joy and gratitude, allowing it to fill our bodies and minds to the brim….and then running over!

Joy, like any other emotion, comes to teach us. Joy comes to form and transform us. Joy is our birthright. We don’t have to feel guilty about having joy. We don’t have to explain or rationalize our joy. Our job is simply to embrace it, welcome it and experience the fullness of it.

So, your “homework” from this post is to find those things in life that bring you joy. Find the music, the people, and the activities that lift your spirits and heighten your energetic frequency. Find that thing that makes your cells abuzz with the vibrational rhythm of joy and satisfaction…and then simply enjoy it. Stay at that place and just “be” in the feelings of love and inspiration. Don’t doubt it; don’t cut it short; don’t forebode it.

Let joy be your “natural” state of being, or your go-to place. Let go of anger, bitterness, and sadness and let joy abide. Let joy be your instinctive state. For,

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you.  Let go of foreboding joy, for joy is the secret to a long, healthy, happy life. When you reset or reboot, let joy be your natural instinct. Allow joy to overflow and open you up to all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #43- Enough!

I’m learning to let go, ya’ll. I have no time for drama, misunderstandings, grudges, hurt feelings, attitudes or even what one friend of mine calls the “Dallitude” (Dallas’s own attitude, which I think I’ll dedicate a whole blog series to. Geez!). I’m learning to accept what is, be fluid and flexible and teachable and present to the moment, to go with the flow, to allow myself to feel what I feel and be led by my spirit, while to letting go of all of the rest!

Yesterday I lifted a valuable lesson I’ve learned, to let go of my own perception and the notion that I am right and everyone else is wrong. As much as it pains me to admit it, I have been self-righteous, judgmental and arrogant in the past, but as I learned to let it go, my capacity to love both others AND myself grew exponentially. See, anything that we project into the world has much more to do with us and our own internal “stuff” than it does with anyone else. Either “good” or “bad”…positive or negative, whatever energy we’re presenting to the world can be directly traced to what we think and feel and experience within ourselves.

So, with that concept in mind, I turn to the next element of human experience that I encourage to you let go…..perfectionism. First, let me get one thing straight; there is a huge difference between perfectionism and a healthy striving for excellence. We should all show up with our best, in order to do our best. However, perfectionism is much different than that. According to Dr. Brené Brown of the University of Houston, perfectionism is “a cognitive behavioral process, a way of thinking and feeling, that says if I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect and live perfect I can avoid and minimize shame, blame, and judgment.” In other words, perfectionism is most often used as shield of protection, yet it offers no protection but instead serves as a tool of self-loathing and oppression that hides the beauty of our true selves from those around us.

Perfectionism is self-loathing? Yes. See, perfectionists are ultimately afraid that those around us will really see us as we are because we somehow see the real us as unlovable, unworthy, and/or undeserving. In this case, what do many of us do? We hide our self-depreciation by trying to be “perfect.”  Again, another case of what we project into the world being a direct expression of what’s going on inside.

Many of you reading may say, “This ain’t my struggle.” However, let me lift some ways that perfectionism my stick up it’s ugly little head.

·      Being an Over-Achiever. To cover up one part of me or my life, I must over-achieve in another.

·      Vanity. Because I feel badly about myself in some area(s), I overindulge in clothes, shoes, jewelry, accessories and/or makeup…trying to “cover” my true self.

·      Self-Righteousness/Arrogance/Attitude of Superiority. There’s a part of me that I dislike, resent or even hate, therefore I paint a picture of myself as good, perfect, or above reproach in some area (finances, education, sexual purity, etc.).

·      Judgment/Gossip. This is very similar to the aforementioned self-righteousness or arrogance. Because I have presented myself as being above reproach or simply because I feel badly about myself, I will look down on others who don’t meet my standard of “perfection” or “goodness,” often tearing them a part with my actions and/or words.

·      Refusing to Say I’m Sorry or Admit Wrongdoing. Don’t dare accuse me of doing something wrong. Don’t say it’s my fault. I can’t take responsibility for my part; I can’t allow you to see me as anything other than the façade I have created.

Do any of these sound familiar? If I have stepped on your toes at all you might be feeling a little tight or tense. You may even be tempted to leave the blog, but please don’t. These symptoms are a part of a sickness called perfectionism, a malady we must let go. So, just breathe. Allow the realization of truth to come into mind and your body and wash over you. Embrace the discomfort and sit in the vulnerability. Learn from it, and be formed and transformed through it. Make the decision, today…in this moment, that you will let go of perfectionism and practice self-compassion, because you are good enough, worthy enough, and beautiful just as you are. Remember….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you.  Do your best and strive for excellence in all things, but don’t judge yourself rather love yourself. Let go of the need to be “perfect” and instead trust that you are perfectly flawed.  You don’t have to be perfect in order to be loved by God, just rest in God’s love and open your heart to all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

#Post 42- My Way or the Highway

“When you change the way you look at things; the things you look at change.”

 ~Dr. Wayne Dyer.

I’ve found that so much of life is about perspective. We all see life through a lens that is uniquely our own, therefore the ability to remove those lenses to see the world through the eyes of another, with all of the experiences and nuances of their individuality, is either the mark of spiritual giftedness or spiritual maturity (it comes naturally to some while others must learn how to do it). In either case, once we learn that our perspective is just that….our own and only one way or option to see a thing, we will be freed to power, that is, we will be empowered with a supernatural ability to rise beyond any circumstance…to not only survive it but thrive through it.

Yesterday I began discussing the power of letting go. Most of us have heard the saying, “Let Go and Let Go.” However, in my attempt to go beyond a surface understanding, I have often contemplated what “letting go” actually means. Yesterday, I describe the spiritual principle of “space.”  Meaning, our lives and minds only have so much room, therefore to increase our capacity we should either expand our consciousness (which is equally important) or let go of the old to make room for the new. At its most basic level, letting go is creating space for the #bigthingscoming.

So, as I truly ponder the act and process of letting go, I am confronted with the notion of perspective. Have you even been in a discussion (i.e. argument) where you are trying to rationally and logically explain your case but the other person simply can’t let go of their perspective in order to see another point of view? Maddening isn’t it? Or, rather, have you been the person so steeped in what you have to say, what you feel and what you think to even imagine an alternative truth?

Frankly speaking, we have to let go of the idea that we are right. And not only that we are right, but that we are always right. In letting go of our own perspective, we begin to see the world through God’s perspective. When we let go of how we see things, it makes space for greater vision and clarity, that we might have the capacity to actually understand how God sees things, or in other words we might better comprehend how the Universe works.

For example, God’s perspective prevents us from judging our neighbors. Through God’s eyes, we see our own faults, shortcomings and mistakes before we put others on blast for theirs. God’s perspective always shows us “us,” before ever showing us them. Therefore, through God’s perspective we are able to love, forgive, and grow rather than marinate in the mistakes of those around us.

Likewise, embracing God’s perspective while letting go of our own gives us the liberty to actually see the world through someone else’s eyes. See, God’s perspective gives us greater facility for empathy and love, rather than judgment and contempt. When we see people as God sees them, they can no longer remain “other” for us, but rather their pain becomes ours; we more deeply understand their plight and can better identify with their heartbreak.

Lastly but in some ways most importantly, seeing the world from God’s view enables us to see problems, difficulties and challenges as opportunities and avenues by which blessing and destiny reach us.  When we let go of our perspective and make room for God's, we begin to see that life is happening for us and not to us. We not only lose all judgment for others but for ourselves. We will begin to embrace this tedious journey as our own sacred path to knowing ourselves better and thereby knowing God more. Using God’s perspective allows us to stop judging our lives, yet inspires us to take responsibility for them. It empowers us to take the rightful place as co-creator of our lives, while relinquishing the role of judge toward them.

I really pray that you are accepting this message, really hearing it with your heart. We gotta let go so we can let God. You can’t forget that….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you.  The grace of God is always available and always in abundance, but we must first make room for it….and we can begin by letting go our own perspective that we might see the world as God does….that we might catch a glimpse of all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Enjoy a classic Andre Crouch song....Gaither Style!