"A Drunk Man Tells No Lies" ~Unknown
For the past several days I’ve been talking about feelings
and how we can use our emotions to lead and instruct us (see posts from
September 5 and 6). Yesterday I shared my thoughts and “feelings” around the
death and funeral of a friend who was recently murdered, and today I’d like to
offer another example of how I have personally confronted uncomfortable
emotions, yet allowed them to actually teach me something about myself.
Saturday evening, after having attended my friend’s funeral,
I was scheduled to attend the birthday party of another dear friend, being
hosted in his home. Needless to say, I needed the relaxation, so the music
blared and the libations freely flowed and I found myself having a BLAST….well
that is until I found myself being physically threatened.
Now, I am damn near a pacifist (due to all that “non-violent”
philosophy of Dr. King I’ve ingested over the last few years for my PhD studies),
so the very fact that I overheard someone ridiculing me and threatening to
“whip his [my] ass,” had me, at the very least, taken a back.
I honestly try to live my life in non-judgment, in peace and
genuine love for all people; however, (to make a long story short) I made a
joke that was taken wrongly and consequently offended one of the other party
guests. I did go back to the person and offer a sincere apology, after which we
hugged and “squashed” it. However, there are a few things that really troubled
me about the whole situation.
It bothered me so much, that as I lay in bed the next day,
taking a much needed Sunday afternoon nap, the mere memory of the event created
such anxiety and unease that I immediately fell back into the old pattern of
“stuffing” my feelings. Meaning, I pushed away the discomfort and
vulnerability, trying to shut down the memory/thoughts that initiated these
uncomfortable emotions. However, as I gathered myself, allowed myself to “feel”
the feelings, I began asking the questions I suggested to you in my September 6
post: “What am I feeling….Why am I
feeling it; and…..what is it telling me about me?”
In this specific case, I discovered:
1. One of the things I overheard this person saying was that
I was “irrelevant.” I can’t be sure exactly what context he was referring, but
in my consciousness, being “irrelevant” equates to
unnecessary…..unimportant…..discounted……devalued….and essentially unworthy. For
me, being unworthy….being the last one picked for the basketball team, being the odd man out, being cast aside and
belittled and ridiculed is a trigger from my childhood as I struggled with
always being the only African-American kid and the barrage of racism received
daily as well as the deep shame I experienced due to my sexuality.
“Overhearing” the sneers of a peer initiated an emotional trigger from my
childhood that touched me in a place that has been wounded. LESSSON: This wound
is not completely healed, or not in a way that I’d like it to be….so more work
to do.
2. This incident bothered me so much because it made me very
disappointed in myself. When I overheard this person speaking ill of me,
instead of immediately apologizing then, rising above my ego to offer peace, my
alcohol influenced reaction was to be condescending and arrogant. I turned and
said to him, “I’m irrelevant??? No, you’re irrelevant. If you only knew who I
was.” What the HELL!!! I can’t
believe I said that! Yes, I believe God has called me to greatness. Yes, I
believe I have a purpose as well as gifts and talents to help me accomplish it.
And yes, I’ve worked very hard to attain an education and other criteria to aid
me in that purpose. However, it is categorically against my core values to believe
that I am better or above anyone else (again all that
Kingian philosophy regarding human dignity and value of all human personality).
LESSON: I strongly believe that a drunk tells no lies, so if I said it in an
alcohol-influenced state, somewhere in me I believe that I am somehow “above”
this person. Damn!!! More work to do!
3. After I came to the conclusion of the first two, I still
“felt” there was something else nagging at me (although I thought, “Lord, the
first two are enough…geez!”). Then, in quiet thought and honesty, it became
clear to me. This person was speaking to another very good friend of mine (and
I don’t have that many). Someone I hold in high regard. Not only was he
embarrassing me in front of someone I care about, but that friend did nothing
to counter it or defend me. He just listened as my character was being
assaulted and I was being humiliated. Again, this beckons to my feelings of
being alone, of being devalued, and being “irrelevant,” even to those I thought
I could call friend….and that hurts. LESSON: Well, I’m not sure exactly what
this lesson is. Is it that this “friend” has been revealed as someone who isn’t
my “true” friend? I doubt it, because I believe lessons are primarily about us.
Possibly this aspect of the incident is to challenge me regarding what I would do in a similar situation. In other words,
what kind of friend am I? How would I have reacted in a similar situation?
Yea, that sounds more like God.
At this point I hope you’re still reading, ha! I know this
was a little lengthy but I hope by hearing me unpack my stuff, it will help you unpack yours. Because in the end, I simply
want to remind you….
This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not
behind you; they are ahead of you. Don’t stuff your feelings, don’t numb your emotions but
embrace them for what they are. Allow them to teach you about you, preparing you for all of the #bigthingscoming.
NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read
my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments
here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash
tag #bigthingscoming.
(Copyright,
2013, Ray Jordan)
Your initial "alcohol-induced" reaction (I love it) was a human reaction. And then God moved in and brought you back to your true self; one that grows and evolves with the dawning of each new day. Thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteYour devaluation had nothing to do with what your attacker said. Your devaluation came from within. You let the booze do the talking, and not the Holy Spirit. Crud, we've all allowed this to happen one way or another. We were crushed by a former girlfriend's opinions, a father's accusations, and a bunch of other crap. We've all snapped back at our attackers. You are innately relevant because you are a creation of God. Believe it or not your oppressor has a God given value too. That's the tough part to understand. Problem is he can't see it. Manhood has to do with the things that King was trying to teach. Its not about your friend standing for you. One day he might fail you, and the next day he may save you from disaster. Forgive your friend and and make hm a better friend by example. Martin was not a saint, and neither are you. He was not divine and neither are you. God does not expect this of you. He expects you to stand and be the man he created. He expects your friendship. He expects you to be a son. You are not a victim. The attacker has no say in defining you. Only you can define you. There is glory within. Keep up the blog. State your piece, and let no one quiet the man inside. Keep up the good work, and remind us of the leadership of Martin.
ReplyDeleteGrateful G, thank you so much for your words. Yes, I am human, but sometimes I (like lots of us) find it easier to forgive others than ourselves. And Brad, you are so right! Only I can define me, and that definition comes from God within, no one else.
ReplyDeleteWow...this was an eye opener for me indeed. I once dated a terrific guy. on the surface, he was kind, generous, testy, handsome, etc.However, everytime someone verbally assaulted my character or my flaws, he joined right in and threw me under the bus. It irritated me because in my 30 years I've always been taught to strongly publicly defend the character of those close to me and privately express how I genuinely feel later. Needless to say, it ended our relationship but left me with an internal question that I still wrestle with today. Does the bitter taste of abandonment in this case reveal a desire to somehow control someone else's authenticity or is another example of karma? This article has provided great insight. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWow...this was an eye opener for me indeed. I once dated a terrific guy. on the surface, he was kind, generous, testy, handsome, etc.However, everytime someone verbally assaulted my character or my flaws, he joined right in and threw me under the bus. It irritated me because in my 30 years I've always been taught to strongly publicly defend the character of those close to me and privately express how I genuinely feel later. Needless to say, it ended our relationship but left me with an internal question that I still wrestle with today. Does the bitter taste of abandonment in this case reveal a desire to somehow control someone else's authenticity or is another example of karma? This article has provided great insight. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWow...this was an eye opener for me indeed. I once dated a terrific guy. on the surface, he was kind, generous, testy, handsome, etc.However, everytime someone verbally assaulted my character or my flaws, he joined right in and threw me under the bus. It irritated me because in my 30 years I've always been taught to strongly publicly defend the character of those close to me and privately express how I genuinely feel later. Needless to say, it ended our relationship but left me with an internal question that I still wrestle with today. Does the bitter taste of abandonment in this case reveal a desire to somehow control someone else's authenticity or is another example of karma? This article has provided great insight. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteDamion, tell me more....you write, "Does the bitter taste of abandonment in this case reveal a desire to somehow control someone else's authenticity or is another example of karma?" Who would you say was trying to control the other??
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