Post #46- Relationships 101

“If you treat someone like a celebrity, don't be surprised when they treat you like a fan...”

~ Post from a friend’s Facebook page.

Ok, I’ve avoided this topic since I created this space four months ago; primarily because I am not in a successful long-term relationship. However, I’ve had two failed long-term relationships (one six years and the other five), so that should count for something, right?? Well, I’ve spent the vast majority of my adult life “coupled” and from those experiences I’ve gained an insight or two that I’d like to share or at least discuss with you as I welcome your continued feedback (In other words, if you have something to add, please comment below.  We need each other!).

I can openly admit that I live in a fantasy world. Since I was a child I have noticed things about the world that have deeply troubled me, although I didn’t always have words to articulate my thoughts and feelings. For example, I can remember noticing that my white friends seemingly had a sense of entitlement that I didn’t have or didn’t feel I was allowed to have (I have since come to understand this as “white privilege”). Also, I can remember being baffled by the idea of capitalism and the amount of pure greed and opportunism in the world. Granted, as a child I didn’t know the words capitalist and opportunism nor did I understand concepts such as European Imperialism or Western Individualism. I simply knew that, within my pint-sized self , the world needed more community and cooperation. This seemed like a no-brainer!

So, in many ways I have refused to go along to get long. I believe that life is our own game and we get to make up the rules. Therefore, if I see something in the world that bothers me, I intentionally (and quite naturally) act counter-culturally, refusing to conform with the way of the world.

Likewise, I can remember seeing the rabid dysfunction among my family and within their intimate relationships. Vowing that I would NEVER be like them, I went forth choosing to live in very different ways, however something along the way hasn’t quite gone as planned. Fast forward….I have not been involved in domestic violence, nor have my children witnessed the drug and alcohol abuse or horrifying family turmoil that I did as a child, but I stand before you, as a seemingly unabashed failure at romantic relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, my two longest relationships had some great times and the shorter ones were a lot of fun too. However, I got married at 19 years old, and while my ex-wife can testify that we had a WONDERFUL married, I didn’t really know who I was at 19 (but who does at that age), and as I grew both mentally and emotionally, I realized that I was somewhat physically bisexual but emotionally gay (I love women but I'm more emotionally attracted to men) and thereby needed to explore other dimensions of my sexuality.

Less than two years after my wife and I separated, I met a great guy but we moved a little too fast. He was only 3 years younger than I, yet he was decades younger in life experience. I’m not sure he was ready for “baby-mama” drama, three young children and a partner with lots of emotional baggage. He made mistakes, I made mistakes and it ended a little over a year ago after a five-year ride.

Thankfully, the last 15 months has been an incredible master class of self-improvement and empowerment. Who I have been, was always meant to be and was becoming seemed to meet in a place of peace, self-discovery, self-confidence and pure joy. I have had a lot of fun being single and simply dating and getting to know people. More importantly, I feel like the last 15 years has prepared me to be the person I am today and it’s only recently that I feel as if I am actually READY for a real-life grown-up, spiritual partnership (I’ll talk more about the difference between a relationship and a spiritual partnership tomorrow).

So, as I have opened myself to the possibility of a new relationship, one of two things has happened. I have either 1) Met someone who is crazy about me, yet I only feel “friend” energy for them or 2) Found myself interested in someone who hasn’t really returned the interest in me (ain’t this always the case!)

However, what I have noticed particularly, either within my own dating interactions or in the interactions of those around me, is that there are a lot of grown-ass people, who aren’t really ready for “grown-up” relationships. What do I mean???

Again, this is what I refer to as my living in a fantasy world, but I am silly enough to think that if someone shows interests in you and you in them, and you consequently treat them "well," with respect and courtesy and caring consideration.....then they should return the goddamn sentiment! Hello somebody! Is this too much to ask?

Instead, we have grown-ass people playing little kid games. Hence, let me start this manifesto from some of the things I’ve experienced in addition to so many of the things my friends have shared with me (and feel free to add to it in the comments section below):

1.  If you invite me out, then I expect that you wont’ leave me standing there for long periods of time, ignore me, or openly flirt with others in my face. Where they do they at?
2.  If, when I’m with you, you are constantly on your phone, never missing a beat, then when “I” texted you, I expect that you return my text with similar urgency.
3.  I expect you to be honest and transparent with me. Don’t drag me along when you have no intention of committing or being in a relationship.
4. Don’t judge me, try to change me or control me (nor will I do these things to you), but rather love and accept me for who I am.
5.  Open up your mouth and communicate, for heaven’s sake! I can’t read your mind!
6.  Be in touch with your feelings; know who you are and what you want, and for God’s sake, be willing to be vulnerable.
7.  Listen to me and hear with your heart!!
8.  Support me and try to get along with my friends and family, rather than being jealous of my friends and family. And if there’s a problem, please come to me and handle it like an adult instead of creating beef with my loved ones.
9. Be genuinely interested in me…as I am you. If the entire relationship revolves around you, you, you….what you want, what you need, etc, there’s’ a problem.
10. And finally, know that I’m not here to hurt you. I’m on your side. I’m ‘ride or die,’ so recognize what you have before you fuck it up!!

We’ve all heard the saying, “Don’t make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs.” And of course there’s the quote I included at the top of this post. Whatever your favorite relationship cliché is, there’s no doubt that romantic relationships can be some of the most demanding. In fact they caused me to post to Facebook today that I like neither men nor women but was asexual (hahaha!); in other words I was throwing in the dating towel. But on second thought, I’ve decided differently. I think I’ll keep a little hope. 

I’ll use the next few days to share some things I’ve learned along this journey; but in the meantime, remember….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Relationships can be difficult, but they don’t have to be. Keep the faith and don’t settle for anything less than the best (more about this tomorrow as well), for there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)