I don’t want a relationship. Or maybe I should clarify; I
don’t simply want a relationship. At
this point in my life I’m more interested in a spiritual partnership. As with
many things I've felt but didn't know how to explain, I have wanted and even longed for this most of my life though I
didn’t know how to articulate it. In yesterday’s blog I began (in a
little bit of a rant) my pure frustration with the status quo of
relationships. And while one might
say that I live in a fantasy world, refusing to just accept reality, I respond by saying…. “So be it!” It
may be a fairy tale, but I simply refuse to accept the unadulterated junk that
some folks try to pass off as “relationship.”
With that in mind, you may ask, what exactly do I mean,
then, by a spiritual partnership?
The best-known definition probably comes from author and spiritual teacher Gary
Zukav (as featured on The Oprah Show),
who says:
“A spiritual partnership is a
partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth.”
Within this understanding, a marriage/relationship
may or may not be a spiritual partnership. Just think of all of the reasons people enter into relationships. Finances, not wanting to be alone, sex,
tradition, family, or a lack of self-esteem can all be attributed to why people
enter or stay in relationships. However, in my opinion, the most important
component is missing……..Spiritual Growth.
So, when I speak of not settling
for less than the best, I mean not settling for less than this kind of spiritual
partnership/grown-up relationship. The “best” has nothing to do with the
external superficial elements of a person, but rather, if they are able and willing to
walk alongside you for the purpose of spiritual growth.
Gary goes on to say:
“A spiritual partnership is
between people who promise themselves to use all of their experiences to grow
spiritually. They use their emotions to show them how to create constructive
and healthy and joyful consequences instead of destructive and unhealthy and
painful consequences. Can you imagine using a horrible, painful,
can't-get-any-worse experience to grow spiritually? Those are among the best
kind. Spiritual partners don't squander them by exploding in rage or dissolving
into depression.”
Yes!!! This is exactly the kind of
“grown-up” relationship I’ve been seeking my entire life. While spiritual
partnerships can be forged between friends and family, I think they are equally
if not more effective between romantic partners. With romantic partners you
have the unique opportunity to experience the most diverse love imaginable
because you can love them as your family, as a best friend, AND as a lover, a component not available to mere family and friends. For me, this is the sacred blessing of a spiritual
partnership or what I often call, “grown-up relationships.”
I want someone to open their heart and
someone in which I can trust my heart to. Someone, who when they see my heart and
all of my imperfections, won’t judge me but love me…not in spite of but because
of. Someone I can be my truest
self, my authentic self, and they love and accept me just the same.
Likewise, I also want someone who will
call me on the carpet when I’m not living up to my values, challenge me when
I’m wrong, and call me to be my best self
and meet my highest potential. In
other words, I want someone who will love me just as I am, yet care too
much to leave me that way. In final analysis, I also want someone who is open and
vulnerable and secure enough to allow me to be the same for them. Now, that’s a
grown-up relationship!
I think I’ll stop here and let this
marinate! Over the next few posts I want to lead a discussion, and tackle how
this kind of real grown-up relationship looks and feels. I’ll even give my thoughts surrounding
the messy dynamics of male/female relationships (as someone who has been
married to a woman but now sees it from the perspective of the “gay friend”…. I
think my insight can be helpful). I’ll even commit a post or two to speaking
directly to gay men and black gay men specifically (God, we have soooooo many
issues).
In the meantime, please do me a favor,
if this concept is speaking to you, share this blog with your friends and on
your social media outlets? Let’s do what we can to start a revolution!
Get ready for tomorrow, when I’ll talk
about how to attract this into your life, especially when you meet people who
aren’t interested in this kind of spiritual partnership. Because let’s be honest, if we keep attracting the same
kind of no good person, the common denominator is us….and quite simply, if we
quit taking their crap, they’d stop giving it….but more on that tomorrow. Until
then, remember….
This
is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead
of you. Anyone can have a relationship, but only the mature seek spiritual partnerships.
For, these kinds of grown-up relationships call you to be your best, helping you receive all of the #bigthingscoming.
NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read
the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or
comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the
hash tag #bigthingscoming.
(Copyright,
2013, Ray Jordan)
P.S. India Arie is coming to town and I have tickets! She is one of my favorite artists and spiritual teachers, for her songs are like prayers. Please take a moment to enjoy this one from her latest project. It's my FAVORITE! Please listen to the lyrics because it speaks to the kind of spiritual partnership we all seek.
Several folks have sent me private comments regarding the blog, so I'd thought I'd share them so everyone can see, yet keep them anonymous. One wrote: "Sir, the blogs have me on one. They make sooo much sense. It feels like each one is answer to the endless questions floating around in my head. The recent two have made me feel less awkward in my approach to a relationship. Thanks."
ReplyDeleteAnother Comment from a friend sent a message who said, "I'm so enjoying your blog! Keep up the good work!" While another texted to ask for clarity. Below is our text conversation.
ReplyDeleteHim: What is a spiritual relationship
Please expound..I read your blog.....I need to know in the lowest common denominator.
Me: It's when you are with someone not for any of the external but first and foremost for spiritual growth. Above all else you are committed to your partner's growth. But this requires total honesty and vulnerability.
Him: Thanks
I've tried that and it's a SAD day because all the encounters are about the physical only. When you meet someone and are honest and vulnerable they toy with your emotions.
Me: Exactly. It takes trust to have a spiritual partnership and some people can't be trusted with your heart.
A note from another anonymous reader:
ReplyDelete"So writing this privately as, well, one does not like to air one's complications in social media.
With that said: very much appreciated the blog posts on relationships.
I admit I didn't think I would. After Catholicism and life as a Jehovah's Witness, I have an extreme aversion to anything resembling religiosity, organized Christianity, the church. As a semi closeted man, I don't often think about this notion of partnership as relationships don't generally end well.
But your post was instructive without the preachy. Wise words that one must try to incorporate into one's life.
So, thank you."
Another Comment from Facebook:
ReplyDelete"Liked the blog, and I don't disagree with anything stated, but I must ask, couldn't a spiritual partnership supersede romance? I'm thinking along the lines of David & Jonathan, Esther & Mordecai, and Ruth & Naomi when I suggest such a thought? I'd also like to add a layer to that school of thought and say the most satisfying romantic connections will always be rooted in a mutually beneficial spiritual partnership(layman's term: authentic friendship) that serves as a catalyst that helps both parties grow in better people, dare I say, the people God designed us to be from our inception.
I must have really appreciated your blog, because I generally skip over "relationship-blogs and articles" simply because they tend to be very general and generic in their advice. And I always think, what works for two people may not work for another couple or individual since we all have our own unique blend of personality, interests, temperaments, and expectations of what we want our romantic relationships should be...."
Now, I'll reply....absolutely yes! As stated in the blog, Spiritual Partnerships can be experienced with both friends and family (but not necessarily with them), however my "argument" is that romantic relationships adds an additional layer of 'love' because you love them as friend, family and lover. And to agree further with you, the most satisfying romantic relationships WILL be spiritual partnerships, whether those involved know to call them that or not. As always, thanks for reading!!!
Delete