Post #66- A Change is Gonna Come

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“You’re not in trouble, you’re in transition."

~Bishop Carlton Pearson

I want to discuss a topic that’s been on my mind and heart for a while now, yet my schedule and the recent holiday hasn’t allowed me the time needed to write/blog as often as I’d like (you know, it takes a real investment of time to sit and think and process what I want to say and how I want to say it). So, here I am with SO MUCH I want to say that I’m not sure where to start.

Let me begin with honesty and vulnerability.  Earlier today I almost had a panic attack as I experienced a flash of insecurity and fear that is usually invoked during New Year’s Eve.  I’m very aware that it’s related to my prior life experiences. The first experience is that of isolation and abandonment from my childhood (watching the Ball drop at Times Square…alone, usually left me feeling lonely and uniquely secluded and separated from the rest of the world). Secondly, after my separation and subsequent divorce and as a newly single person I had a particularly bad New Year’s Eve experience that left me searching for the “perfect” party yet feeling out-of-the-loop and yet again alone and rejected. However, I didn’t allow this “attack” to plummet my day into a blah, mainly because I now realize that I am in transition, and for my own healing’s sake, old wounds will resurface and difficult moments must be confronted.

This is often the process of change. It doesn’t always feel good. It ain’t always pretty, but it’s vitally necessary. And as sure I am of my own name; I feel in my soul that a change is upon me.

Now, I don’t believe the turn of the calendar year holds any special magic, however I do think it can offer us a convenient opportunity to reflect. And while I’ve been thinking about the phenomena of change and transition for a couple of months now, I don’t see it as merely accidental that I begin this conversation with you at the brink of a new year.

For the last couple of months I have felt the undeniable energy and momentum of change in my life (and I can’t believe that I’m the only one). Don’t get me wrong, nothing has particularly changed in my life (except a new “friend”…but I digress) but within myself I feel the winds of change. Have you ever experienced that? Have you ever felt within yourself that it was time for a change, and while you can’t quite articulate the what or why or where, you just “feel” or “know” that a change is on the horizon.

The above quote by Carlton Pearson is one of my favorites because it speaks to the uncomfortable, stressful and sometimes painful experiences that bring about change in our lives. Scripture teaches that weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5) and we’re often reminded that the darkest moment of the night is right before the break of day. I don’t believe that change has to be accompanied by trauma, heartbreak, or devastation, but I have come to the conclusion that, when we’re awake and fully present for our lives, we will discern that which is often mistaken as trouble as an actual conduit for transition.

So, as we begin the new year I want to talk about change and transition. Please follow the blog (as time permits me to write) as we talk about the process of moving from one place to another and how we might be helpful participants in that process rather than obstacles to the zeitgeist of progress.  And most importantly I want to simply offer you this proclamation: Be not afraid; you’re not in trouble, you’re in transition.  We must understand that change is an inevitable part of life and our success will be determined on how well we embrace it.  So, let’s take the opportunity of a new year to evaluate where we have been and (in some ways more importantly) where we are going. Because….

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Change can be difficult, it can be painful, but it can also be exciting and it is always inevitable. So, let’s embrace it and move from good to great, better to best and prepare ourselves to receive all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #65- Go Tell It On the Mountain!

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“I didn’t’ go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want religion to make you comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity. “

 ~C.S. Lewis

Merry Christmas everyone! The big day has finally arrived (although I can’t tell you where the time has flown, it seems like it was just Christmas the other day and now 2013 is almost gone…wow!). Everyone is entitled to a little Christmas cheer, but for Christians it’s more than just a day of family and gifts, it’s the beginning of it all. Advent (see yesterday’s post) is actually the beginning of the “Christian” calendar, so for Christians the birth of the Christ child trumps the fat guy in the fancy red suit as we turn our faces toward “the Light of the World.”

Advent (the month or so leading to Christmas) is a time of expectancy as we await the Christ child. Yes, it is a time where we rehearse the details the story of Jesus’ birth, but it also gives us an opportunity to reflect on how, as I stated in yesterday’s post, unlikely a savior Jesus was.  For me, more than any other time of the Christian calendar we get to revel both in the humanity of Jesus and in the power and zeitgeist of God’s sovereignty, marveling in the what, the how, and the why of God’s activity in the world. In other words, Jesus is a leader, a Messiah but born in barn. He was poor and he spoke of a mystical transcendental experience, not a violent overthrow of the government. Wow!

So, for me, to take a full and honest look at the conditions and circumstances surrounding the birth of Jesus is to be challenged by them. It causes me to ask myself and reevaluate how I have made God into my image instead of recognizing and celebrating how I am made in the image of God.  While I don’t think there’s anything wrong with seeing ourselves in God and therefore God in us (every culture has done it), however, we must be careful because that exercise can lead to a slippery slope, one that leads us to comfort and apathy, rather than challenge and action.

Don’t be too mad at me for ruining the widely held view of Jesus, but may I simply offer who, through the lens of scripture (and a meme I recently saw), Jesus was, and you can decide if we see this Jesus in today’s mainstream Christianity or if we have made Jesus into our (American) image.

• Jesus was radical, challenging the religious status quo (to the point he was killed for it).
• Jesus was nonviolent.
• Jesus hung out with the cast aways (lepers, hookers, crooks).
• Jesus wasn’t nationalistic or patriotic (and in fact he wasn’t American nor spoke English).
• Jesus seemed to be anti-death penalty, anti-greed, and anti-public prayer (Matthew 6:3-6)
• Jesus was not anti-gay (he never mentioned it and was in fact a sexual minority as a 30 year old man who hung around with a group of men…there had to be rumors!).
• He never mentioned abortion or birth control (he could have both were well documented in ancient times, especially Greek and Egyptian instances that date back to 1850 BCE).
• Jesus was compassionate to the poor, never calling them lazy.
• He never justified torture.
• He was not anti-taxes; in fact he taught we ought to give Caser what was Caesar’s.
• He healed without asking for a co-pay, although he talked a lot about money and possessions

Jesus talked about money more than He did Heaven and Hell combined.

Jesus talked about money more than anything else except the Kingdom of God.

11 of 39 parables talk about money.

1 of every 7 verses in the Gospel of Luke talk about money.

But with all of this money talk, NONE of it looks like capitalism, at least as we know it. It looks more like socialism.

• Jesus was anti-slut shaming, no male-female double standards for him.
• He spent many of his formative years as an immigrant, living in Africa.
• He was a part of the working poor who spent the last three years of his life as a homeless, community organizer.
• Furthermore, Jesus of Nazareth was a long-haired, brown skinned, middle eastern Jew, someone a great many of today’s Christians would try to avoid on the street (Wow….Merry Christmas!)

I don’t know about you, but Jesus’ humanity challenges me, all of us. Among many things, for me, the life and humanity of Jesus challenges me to question the Serenity Prayer. Instead of praying to accept the things I cannot change, I now pray to change the things I simply cannot accept. During Advent we’re taught to await a day of love and peace. However the birth and life of the Christ child gives me a swift kick in the butt and tells me be the change I want to see in the world.

During Advent, as a United Methodist (it differs from tradition to tradition) we celebrate:  Hope, Love, Joy, and Peace. However, when we take an honest look at the story, we understand that Jesus did not meet the expectations of those of his day and therefore was an unlikely Messiah. So, we ask ourselves, where might we find these “things” in unlikely places.  

We are challenged, among many ways, to keep our eyes open for the hope, love, joy and peace all around us…they have a tendency to show up in unlikely places. For me, they show up, not only in the expectancy of peace on earth, but in the work to ensure it.  Merry Christmas, and remember, be vigilant and diligent for there are #bigthingscoming! 

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

The Incomparable Ms. Dolly Parton
"Go, Tell It On the Mountain!"

Post #64- Is That It?

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(Forgive the Funky Formatting)

And Mary said,

I’m bursting with God-news;

    I’m dancing the song of my Savior God.

God took one good look at me, and look what happened—

    I’m the most fortunate woman on earth!

What God has done for me will never be forgotten,

    the God whose very name is holy, set apart from all others.

His mercy flows in wave after wave

    on those who are in awe before him.

He bared his arm and showed his strength,

    scattered the bluffing braggarts.

He knocked tyrants off their high horses,

    pulled victims out of the mud.

The starving poor sat down to a banquet;

    the callous rich were left out in the cold.

He embraced his chosen child, Israel;

    he remembered and piled on the mercies, piled them high.

It’s exactly what he promised,

    beginning with Abraham and right up to now.

~The Gospel According to Luke, 1^st chapter, verses 45-55 (The Message Translation)

I’m well aware that Advent isn’t a term familiar to many Christians, much less seekers or persons of other faiths. For those liturgical Christians (I grew United Methodist) Advent is the time (about a month) leading to Christmas during which we “prepare” ourselves for the Christ child. As we put ourselves in the shoes of the Israelites, waiting hundreds of years for the appearance of a Messiah…a savior, Advent is most often spoken of as a time of waiting and expectancy as we too long for a day of peace, love and joy, continuing to pray as Jesus taught us, “let they Kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.”

Having celebrated Advent most of my life, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that Christians may have missed the mark a bit regarding Advent. While Advent is a time of hope and expectancy, we must recognize that it’s also a time of great disappointment. Before you accuse me of being a “Debbie Downer,” let me explain.

We must only look to the declaration above (in addition to many other prophesies and foretelling of the coming Messiah). Mary describes her bundle of joy, as the long-awaited Messiah, savior and hero of her people, the one who would bare his arm of strength, knock the tyrants off their high horses, feed the hungry, give justice to the victimized, and chastise the callous rich and care for the poor. There are a lot of images of Jesus out there, most which are so grossly distorted by European Colonialism and American Exceptionalim that they bare no resemblance to the actual person. However, let’s get one thing clear. Jesus was an ethnic minority (Palestinian Jew) living under the oppression of European Colonialism (meaning the Jewish nation was being occupied by the Roman Empire…remember the Easter story; they had no authority crucify Jesus so they had to seek permission from Pontius Pilate, the resident Roman authority).

So, for hundreds of years the Jewish nation clearly “expected” a conquering ruler, a violent warrior that would lead a great revolution, a government overthrow that would cast off the chains of the ruling class and lead their nation to independence and justice. However, what did they get instead? Jesus was a scraggly baby born in a barn into a family of working poor (and you know the local busybodies were counting the months from Mary and Joseph’s wedding to the actual birth of their first born…hmmmm). And to make matters worse, this “Messiah” would come to preach that the Kingdom would not be achieved through a violent insurrection of the government, but it was in your heart.  Talk about a let down!

I recently heard a comedian crack a joke by saying he could judge the amount of family dysfunction inside the house by the amount of Christmas decorations on the outside of the house. Funny, but it may in some way be true.  It leads me to ask, have we, like the Jewish nation of ancient times, allowed our expectations of Christmas to cloud the expectancy of Advent. Is there a difference between expectations and expectancy or am I just playing semantics? I think there’s a difference.

Christmas is an easy target because most of us have expectations of what Christmas is, and if we somehow don’t achieve or experience that we often say, “it just doesn’t feel like Christmas,” or “I’m just not in the Christmas spirit.” However, I believe this is a spiritual principle that transcends this time of the year and can be applied in all areas of our lives. Have we created some image of perfection that must be achieved before we can experience or have happiness, joy, peace, contentment, satisfaction, self-acceptance, love, etc (just fill in the blank)?

In 12-step programs it’s often said, “expectations are little more than premeditated resentments.” This simply means that every time we set conditions under which we’ll finally be happy, fulfilled or content, we’ll inevitably be let down. This is either because something (as a recent blogger I read says) in the elaborate plans we lay out will fail or — perhaps even worse — they’ll be pulled off seamlessly. And then we’re left with the lingering question: Why am I still not happy (does this resonate with anyone?).

During Advent we are challenged to nurture and sit with the mysterious, open-ended gift of expectancy. It’s the idea, that through the ages, God can reach through space and time and offer a gift beyond (and in some ways below) anyone’s expectations, while perfectly meeting our need.


May I end by offering what The Expectancy of Advent might look like:

1. ·      Hopeful without setting terms and conditions for the outcomes.  Having faith that what God has for you, you may not recognize until it’s already happening.  It says, with wide-eyed wonderment, something beautiful is happening, and whichever way you bless me Lord, I’ll be satisfied.
2. ·      Making space for God’s grace. Advent reminds us to slow down to make space and set aside time and attention to notice where God may be moving, even if it seems unlikely.
3. ·      Being present. Advent also reminds us to live into the fullness of life, here and now, as it already is, rather than requiring it to be different in order for it to be good enough. In the mindful practice of creating that space, we may become attuned enough to the sense of Advent that we carry it with us into the rest of the year.

One of my favorite quotes of the late Nelson Mandela states, “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.”

I pray that, although you may find a Christmas season unchanged, you will in fact find that you yourself have been altered, leaving “expectations” behind to embrace expectancy. Welcome to Advent, there are #bigthingscoming!

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan) 

Please Enjoy this Version of my Grandmother's favorite Christmas Song! 

"Jesus, What a Wonderful Child!" 

Post #63: Showing Me..."Me" ---> Childhood Issues 101

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“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you.”

~ Jesus (Matthew 7:7)

Ok, I’ll admit it; I have abandonment issues. I suppose I have most of my life but there’s nothing like the holidays to bring up childhood issues, right?

If you’re a follower of my blog, first of all…THANK YOU; secondly, you’ve probably heard (read) me discuss the journey I’ve been on the past year and a half. In the spring of 2012 I began trying my hand at mediation, nothing fancy just intentionally spending some quiet time alone every morning and honestly, it changed my life. It allowed me to be in touch with my inner life, my subconscious mind and the truth of my experience in ways I had not previously known. So, from that time I have lived life on purpose rather than on accident. I have been intentional about my spiritual and emotional growth, opening myself not only to the mysteries of the universe but the mystery of my own soul (you know, there’s lots of stuff going on in there, for our soul is an endless sea of life force, our intimate and powerful connection to source energy, often called God, better known as Love, pure unconditional, unadulterated Love…but I digress).

So, in my efforts to better excavate and examine my inner self, I often read, meditate, journal, write and/or ask myself questions before going to bed, with faith that my soul or subconscious mind will offer an answer or insight as my conscious mind is at rest. Last week, after reading and then meditating on life and the transitions and change that often accompany it (which I plan to blog about in coming weeks), I was offered a dream. 

To make a long story short, in the dream I was grieving my grandmother who died earlier this year, literally snottin’ and cryin’ when these words came out of my mouth… “she left me.” If anyone knows me well, they know that my grandmother raised me and we had an unusually close relationship. In many ways, outside of my children, she was the closest and dearest person to me, so the words “she left me” didn’t seem to point to the obvious (her death) but even within the dream I understood them as speaking to deeper sentiment and feelings. And to complicate matters, in the dream my mother was present and began to reprimand me for my tears. While this would never happen in reality (in fact, she would be right there with me with considerable tears and snot of her own), however upon hearing her rebuke of me in the dream, (and you know how foggy dreams can be, but) I either said or thought in anger, “just like you left me as a child.”

When I awoke from the dream my soul was troubled for two reasons. First, I was troubled because of the words or thoughts toward my mother, who, while was not a very good mother to me as a young child, has made phenomenal efforts to be a good mother and grandmother to me and my children now. I didn’t want to accept that maybe some part of me had not forgiven her. I really want all of me to forgive her and it hurts my feelings to think some part of me has not. Secondly, I was also upset because now I had no doubt that my childhood trauma was still lingering, even after I thought I had put it to rest.

All of my life I have felt left out and left behind. Yes, I recognize it began with the absence of both of my parents (particularly my mother), leaving my grandmother to raise me. While my father was in prison during most of my childhood, he wrote often and I actually felt loved by him and seemed to believe that he would be there if only he could. However, my mother’s drug addiction created a vicious cycle that was filled with lies and broken promises. And while I knew she wrestled her own demons, it didn’t mean I wasn’t left with thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, asking myself why she simply didn’t love me enough to quit doing drugs. I am fully aware that this is an irrational thought, especially after I became better educated on the pathology of addiction, however the emotional wounds it left in my 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 year old self, clearly, have not been as easily erased and I would like.

So, as I have nursed but too often concealed and hid the pain of my childhood (which was exponentially made worse by the racism and homophobic abuse I received from my childhood peers), I have subconsciously acted out this abandonment narrative over and over. It has appeared in friendships and most often in romantic relationships. It has created a fearful panic-stricken Ray that wanted to trust but didn’t how, a Ray that misinterpreted others’ actions as personal rejection and a Ray that nearly ruined his own life in pursuits of perfection, overachievement and the approval of others. But all of that was over…..or so I thought.

Don’t get me wrong; I am 200% better than I once was. My healing has been a process, however this dream reminds me that the process isn’t over so I must therefore be diligent to question my thoughts and motives, and be mindful of my emotional responses. See, there’s nothing wrong with being hurt or needing healing, as long as you recognize it as such. The scary thought is of someone who is deeply wounded and in need of care but can’t (or refuses to) see themselves as such and therefore stumbles through life unaware, out of tune with their inner self, and struggling with an ego willing to do most anything to protect and defend itself. This person is dangerous, so BEWARE.

So, in this next stage of transition, I am thankful for a loving God who would care enough to show me…me. I am thankful for universal intelligence and the innate wisdom of my own soul that, if I listen, always directs me back to center, lovingly showing me how to move forward. And last but not least, I am thankful for you. I am thankful that we have found each other and, if we choose to accept it, have partners in each other as we walk this journey called life. For…..

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. So, today let’s not fight our pain, but embrace it, learn from it, and be strengthened by it. Ask and we shall receive, seek and we shall find, and even when what we find is painful, it’s still all good because it’s preparing us to receive all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #62- Guilt, No More!

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Guilt. Even saying the word makes me feel “some kind of way.” While I don’t like that word and have intellectually divorced myself from its presence in my life, if I were honest…..it is an emotion with which I am very familiar.

I was recently watching an episode of “Iyanla Fix My Life,” a self-help program starring spiritual teacher, author and family counselor Iyanla Vanzant. Though I don’t always agree with her approach (my daughter says she’s mean), she made a statement on a recent episode that left me taken aback and shaken to my core. In counseling a wife in regards to her marital breakdown she said that (and I paraphrase) guilt and anger attract punishment. When we are angry with someone, we subconsciously find ways in which to punish them but likewise, when we harbor feelings of guilt, we attract ways in which to punish ourselves.

Wow!! When I heard that, I was immediately reminded of the ‘cup-o-guilt’ from which I have drank for many years. Guilt, and his first cousin shame, have been constant and familiar companions of my life and in that moment I realized that many of the hardships I had encountered, particularly those of the past 7 years, have been a manifestation of self-punishment and feelings of un-deservingness due to subconscious feelings of guilt and shame.  Although I intellectually desired certain things for my life,  (and it’s painful to admit) I can recognize that unconsciously I have not felt worthy of them. I have entertained thoughts of “but what makes me so deserving” and “why should I have this or that when there are so many others suffering in the world.” Yikes! I know God wants the best for me, so for these thoughts, I repent.

I realize that my childhood and early development was formed in a cesspool of guilt and shame. My mother was pregnant and unmarried, which produced some feelings of shame within which I even incubated in the womb. As a young child who was gay and usually the only African American, I constantly felt shamed for simply being who I was and guilt for not being able to rise to the expectations of others. This guilt was only multiplied as I attempted to overachieve to counter my mother’s transgressions (as a cocaine addict) and the guilt was increased exponentially when as a young adult I eventually divorced and left the ministry as I tried to reconcile with my own sexuality and sense of self.

These landmark events of my life only scratch the surface to the myriad opportunities I have been offered and taken to feel the stinging, yet familiar pain of guilt and shame. Unfortunately, I like so many, have chosen (either intentionally or unconsciously) the familiar though painful, rather than facing the fear of the unknown. So today I ask myself while also asking you, what would life look like and feel like without the familiar pain of the past? What if we forgave ourselves? What if we decided to let it go, refusing to be its victim but instead chose to stand liberated in our own truth. What if we got out of our own way? What if we allowed the bounty of the universe, the abundance of the All-Sufficient One to manifest itself in our lives, without reluctance or thoughts of requital? What if we learned how to be us while allowing God to be God?

Today, I let it go. I refuse to live tied to the past and I will no longer punish myself (or allow others to). I am positioned for God’s very best and I make no qualms about receiving it. From today forward, I will stand taller, walk more proudly and live in the hallowed expectancy of God’s grace and favor. I’m not perfect, nor will I pretend to be, nor does God expect for me to be. However, I am confident in who God is and who God has created me to be. So, I choose life; I choose light; I choose love.

Folks, this life is a journey and just when I think I’ve made some traction, the grace of God reminds me that there’s still work to be done. A year and a half ago I left a dysfunctional relationship in search of peace and self-actualization, and BOY has this last 18 months been a ride of self-discovery. However, I appreciate every opportunity the universe offers me to learn more and grow further.  Moreover, I appreciate this forum to share with you in hopes that my lil’ ole raggedy life might help you. For I truly believe….

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. So, today I let go of all of the guilt and shame of my past. I give myself permission to be human and to have had a human experience. I realize that guilt and subsequent punishment does not serve me well, but strangles the realization of my highest good. Therefore, I let it go and fully expect that there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)

Post #61- International Human Rights Day

On this day, December 10 in 1948, the United Nations adopted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Though the commission to produce such a document was chaired and spearheaded by the United States' own Eleanor Roosevelt, the U.S. has still yet to fully adopt/ratify the Declaration (first it was the "race" issue that primarily prevented the U.S. from doing so...now it's issues around poverty, etc.).

Subsequently, on December 10, 1950, this day was officially named by the U.N. as International Human Rights Day. So, today, as we memorialized the great spirit known as Nelson Mandela, let's take a moment to think of ways, large and small, that we might personally help to bend the arch of the moral universe slightly further toward justice. In doing so, I'd like to share this story by a mother who lost her son to suicide. Her son was gay and had been publicly shamed by his church's youth pastor.  I paste the text below but you may also visit the Reconciling Ministries Network's blog site, where it was originally posted. Namaste ~ Ray

Shamed: How The UMC contributed to my son's death

- by Julie Wood -

A  kind , gentle, knowledgeable and very socially conscious 16 year old boy arrived to join his circle of friends for a youth group prior to going on a mission trip.  These kids/this place  had been this boys sanctuary from years of school bullying.  This group held a safe and sacred space for him as he experienced the laughter and joys of friendship.  Over the course of about a year, and since the addition of a new conservative youth leader, a tension had been building between the youth leader and Ben. The youth leader delivered a devotional.  Sitting in the circle directly, across from the youth leader quickly became excruciating.  The topic was about the sin of homosexuality. After what probably felt like an eternity, I can imagine the breath of relief when the lesson finally came to a close.

The discomfort, however, did not stop.  The spiritual leader, blurted out a strong attack: 

You all know, we all know, that Ben is gay.  Who here is comfortable being around him?  Child by child as each name was called, the leader required a response.  The next question that was posed to each child in the circle, do you understand that Ben is going to hell?  Child by child the leader pressured an answer.  Child by child, Ben’s sanctuary was dismantled. 

Ben was told that he was not worthy of going on the mission trip.  He had been shamed, humiliated, and betrayed.  He was told that he did not deserve to be a part of the group.  He was no representative of God. 

Out of our front window, I saw the goldish colored Caviler abruptly whip into our driveway.   Ben ran up the porch steps and stood in the doorway.  One look, and I knew, something horrible had happened.  The flushed sides of his cheeks quivered as did his lip.  His breathing was rapid and his eyes just about to spill over. 

The church bus was loaded with Ben’s friends to go on that mission trip while my betrayed and broken son, walked alone around Salem Lake.   He must have felt so very abandoned and isolated. 

While he never lost his compassion for others, I think that this was the day that he gave up on people and God. 

Our church was such a loving and supportive place, as it is now.  We were crushed that our second home had been polluted with a vile and disgusting presence of hate and abuse. How could a place, with loving values, fail to protect our son and the other children in the room? The other youth members had received the teachings that God is love and to have compassion, yet they were forced to participate in cruelty in the name God.  Sadly, Ben was not surprised by the behavior of the youth pastor but he was crushed that his friends left his side.

Ben later graduated from high school and became a student at UNCA. Here, he finally found a community that practiced and promoted individuality. He loved it there. He had a shirt that said something like, Asheville, where weird is normal.  His bumper stickers of Books not Bombs, Go Vegan, Coexist, etc, no longer brought second looks.  This boy had found his place.  We, our family, continued to want nothing to do with church but we were so happy that Ben was happy and safe.  He seemed to have soared above the experiences of his sad childhood.

I’ve observed something very powerful.  Each one of us yearns for our authentic selves to be expressed, seen and celebrated.  Like water, we thirst for it, pleading, just let me be who God prepared me to be.  

Some kids who are gay, would give anything to have the love and acceptance of their family, yet are rejected.  What a painful empty space that is drilled into the heart. God please hold that dear person and fill in the space with your love.   My son, was fully accepted and cherished within his family.  His being gay was just part of him. We loved him.   Being gay is no different than my eyes are blue.  They just are blue.  Blue is not better or something that I chose, they are just blue. How could what was given by God be evaluated and judged.   Sexual orientation is just no different than any other God given characteristic.

On May 8, 2013, at 12:20 I was at my work desk.  I received a call from a gentle but firm sounding officer who stated:  “Ma’am you have not done anything wrong and you are not in trouble, but I need to speak with you.  You need to come home”.  I journeyed home to find my fingers fumbling through my wallet to retrieve my license. My identity was verified and recorded, and the gentle man asked,

“Ma’am, I need to verify that you have a son in Asheville.”  Yes.  “I am sorry Ma’am, your son is no longer with us.”

Quickly I was given the phone to answer questions from the medical examiner.  Ma’m, I am so sorry, but I need to ask, has your son suffered mental health problems, substance abuse, or cutting.  No, nothing, I don’t know of anything like that.

The Resident Assistant had found Ben in a fetal position on the floor of his tiny dorm room during the end of semester room check.  Twenty-one year old, William Benjamin Wood chose to end his life. I yearned to know why, when did his nirvana leave him? I learned from his friends that Ben was no longer doing so well in school. His grades and attendance had nosedived.  He just couldn’t get motivated.  As it goes with depression, the things that you love most no longer matter.  His friends said that his greatest fear was the thoughts of having to move back to his home town and getting stuck there with no way out.  He understood that without being in school, he had no way to “be” in Asheville.   What amazing power love or rejection can hold over us.  

Even though he had been wrapped in the warmth of love in his family home, he would rather die, than come back to the community of his pain.  It horrified him.

I have been asked, do you think what happened to Ben at church caused his death by Suicide?  My heart felt response is no.   With depression, comes distortions, confusion and then hopelessness.  But I do, with all my heart, believe that the outcome would have been different if he had not suffered humiliation, betrayal , rejection,  and shame.  YES,…… Shame……for being the beautiful creation that God made him to be.     Did this experience strip him of his faith in God and man? Yes. This experience may not have taken his life but it most certainly did not help save it!

The UMC has a Book of Discipline that states:  The practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching.  Now, I have a question.  Did this youth pastor behave in or out of the culture created by the words in the United Methodist Book of Discipline?  I think he behaved in line with our Book of Discipline. (Sin, unworthy, undeserving, not comfortable around you, going to hell-words that delivered the message that homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching!)

I however, do not, believe that The UMC would knowingly sanction such ignorance and abuse. Of course no one intended for this to happen. Many people have grieved for my Ben. Still, our Methodist messages are contradictory and confusing.  Open Hearts, Open Doors, Open Minds... but our message is that a gay person does not measure up to Christian teachings? This confusion opens the door to hurtful situations. 

We must help others understand that words are incredibly powerful instruments for love or hate—even those voted on and written in the Book of Discipline create cultural norms and expectations with said and unsaid parameters for behavior. 

We have to make good come out of this suffering. There is progress being made, yet even here in North Carolina the laws show regression. It’s time to make a change.  This is OUR commission.

We must power the wave that creates a paradigm shift that brings understanding in the church, our state, and our world.  We are all beautifully and carefully woven together in our mother’s womb.   Celebrate who you are in God. We are the masterpiece of the Divine Creator.  Clothe yourself in the love of God and never let ignorance cut through to you.

Each of us has experienced rejection.  When the people of Japan mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.

You ARE a divine and beautiful masterpiece.

. . .

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also visit The Trevor Project or call them at 1-866-488-7386.