Listen Here and/or Read Below
“Ask,
and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will
be opened to you.”
~
Jesus (Matthew 7:7)
Ok, I’ll admit it; I have abandonment issues. I
suppose I have most of my life but there’s nothing like the holidays to bring
up childhood issues, right?
If you’re a follower of my blog, first of all…THANK
YOU; secondly, you’ve probably heard (read) me discuss the journey I’ve been on
the past year and a half. In the spring of 2012 I began trying my hand at
mediation, nothing fancy just intentionally spending some quiet time alone
every morning and honestly, it changed my life. It allowed me to be in touch
with my inner life, my subconscious mind and the truth of my experience in ways
I had not previously known. So, from that time I have lived life on purpose
rather than on accident. I have been intentional about my spiritual and
emotional growth, opening myself not only to the mysteries of the universe but
the mystery of my own soul (you know, there’s lots of stuff going on in there,
for our soul is an endless sea of life force, our intimate and powerful
connection to source energy, often called God, better known as Love, pure unconditional, unadulterated Love…but I digress).
So, in my efforts to better excavate and
examine my inner self, I often read, meditate, journal, write and/or ask myself
questions before going to bed, with faith that my soul or subconscious mind
will offer an answer or insight as my conscious mind is at rest. Last week, after
reading and then meditating on life and the transitions and change that often
accompany it (which I plan to blog about in coming weeks), I was offered a
dream.
To make a long story short, in the dream I was
grieving my grandmother who died earlier this year, literally snottin’ and cryin’
when these words came out of my mouth… “she
left me.” If anyone knows me well, they know that my grandmother raised me
and we had an unusually close relationship. In many ways, outside of my
children, she was the closest and dearest person to me, so the words “she left me” didn’t seem to point to the
obvious (her death) but even within the dream I understood them as speaking to
deeper sentiment and feelings. And to complicate matters, in the dream my
mother was present and began to reprimand me for my tears. While this would
never happen in reality (in fact, she would be right there with me with
considerable tears and snot of her own), however upon hearing her rebuke of me
in the dream, (and you know how foggy dreams can be, but) I either said or thought
in anger, “just like you left me as a child.”
When I awoke from the dream my soul was
troubled for two reasons. First, I was troubled because of the words or
thoughts toward my mother, who, while was not a very good mother to me as a
young child, has made phenomenal efforts to be a good mother and grandmother to
me and my children now. I didn’t want to accept that maybe some part of me had
not forgiven her. I really want all of me
to forgive her and it hurts my feelings to think some part of me has not.
Secondly, I was also upset because now I had no doubt that my childhood trauma
was still lingering, even after I thought I had put it to rest.
All of my life I have felt left out and left
behind. Yes, I recognize it began with the absence of both of my parents
(particularly my mother), leaving my grandmother to raise me. While my father
was in prison during most of my childhood, he wrote often and I actually felt
loved by him and seemed to believe that he would be there if only he could.
However, my mother’s drug addiction created a vicious cycle that was filled
with lies and broken promises. And while I knew she wrestled her own demons, it
didn’t mean I wasn’t left with thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, asking
myself why she simply didn’t love me enough to quit doing drugs. I am fully
aware that this is an irrational thought, especially after I became better
educated on the pathology of addiction, however the emotional wounds it left in
my 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 year old self, clearly, have not been as easily erased and I
would like.
So, as I have nursed but too often concealed
and hid the pain of my childhood (which was exponentially made worse by the
racism and homophobic abuse I received from my childhood peers), I have
subconsciously acted out this abandonment narrative over and over. It has
appeared in friendships and most often in romantic relationships. It has
created a fearful panic-stricken Ray that wanted to trust but didn’t how, a Ray
that misinterpreted others’ actions as personal rejection and a Ray that nearly
ruined his own life in pursuits of perfection, overachievement and the approval
of others. But all of that was over…..or so I thought.
Don’t get me wrong; I am 200% better than I
once was. My healing has been a process, however this dream reminds me that the
process isn’t over so I must therefore be diligent to question my thoughts and
motives, and be mindful of my emotional responses. See, there’s nothing wrong
with being hurt or needing healing, as long as you recognize it as such. The
scary thought is of someone who is deeply wounded and in need of care but can’t
(or refuses to) see themselves as such and therefore stumbles through life
unaware, out of tune with their inner self, and struggling with an ego willing
to do most anything to protect and defend itself. This person is dangerous, so BEWARE.
So, in this next stage of transition, I am
thankful for a loving God who would care enough to show me…me. I am thankful for universal intelligence and the innate wisdom
of my own soul that, if I listen, always directs me back to center, lovingly
showing me how to move forward. And last but not least, I am thankful for you. I am thankful that we have found
each other and, if we choose to accept it, have partners in each other as we
walk this journey called life. For…..
This is not the end of our
story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. So, today let’s not fight our pain,
but embrace it, learn from it, and be strengthened by it. Ask and we shall
receive, seek and we shall find, and even when what we find is painful, it’s
still all good because it’s preparing us to receive all of the #bigthingscoming.
NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read
the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or
comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using
the hash tag #bigthingscoming.
(Copyright,
2013, Ray Jordan)
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