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Guilt. Even saying the word makes me feel “some
kind of way.” While I don’t like that word and have intellectually divorced
myself from its presence in my life, if I were honest…..it is an emotion with
which I am very familiar.
I was recently watching an episode of “Iyanla
Fix My Life,” a self-help program starring spiritual teacher, author and family
counselor Iyanla Vanzant. Though I don’t always agree with her approach (my
daughter says she’s mean), she made a statement on a recent episode that left
me taken aback and shaken to my core. In counseling a wife in regards to her
marital breakdown she said that (and I paraphrase) guilt and anger attract punishment. When we are angry
with someone, we subconsciously find ways in which to punish them but likewise,
when we harbor feelings of guilt, we attract ways in which to punish ourselves.
Wow!! When I heard that, I was immediately
reminded of the ‘cup-o-guilt’ from which I have drank for many years. Guilt,
and his first cousin shame, have been constant and familiar companions of my
life and in that moment I realized that many of the hardships I had
encountered, particularly those of the past 7 years, have been a manifestation
of self-punishment and feelings of un-deservingness due to subconscious
feelings of guilt and shame.
Although I intellectually desired certain things for my life, (and it’s painful to admit) I can
recognize that unconsciously I have not felt worthy of them. I have entertained
thoughts of “but what makes me so deserving” and “why should I have this or that when there are so many others suffering in the world.” Yikes!
I know God wants the best for me, so for these thoughts, I repent.
I realize that my childhood and early
development was formed in a cesspool of guilt and shame. My mother was pregnant
and unmarried, which produced some feelings of shame within which I even
incubated in the womb. As a young child who was gay and usually the only
African American, I constantly felt shamed for simply being who I was and guilt
for not being able to rise to the expectations of others. This guilt was only
multiplied as I attempted to overachieve to counter my mother’s transgressions
(as a cocaine addict) and the guilt was increased exponentially when as a young
adult I eventually divorced and left the ministry as I tried to reconcile with
my own sexuality and sense of self.
These landmark events of my life only scratch
the surface to the myriad opportunities I have been offered and taken to feel
the stinging, yet familiar pain of
guilt and shame. Unfortunately, I like so many, have chosen (either
intentionally or unconsciously) the familiar though painful, rather than facing
the fear of the unknown. So today I ask myself while also asking you, what
would life look like and feel like
without the familiar pain of the past? What if we forgave ourselves? What if we
decided to let it go, refusing to be its victim but instead chose to stand
liberated in our own truth. What if we got out of our own way? What if we
allowed the bounty of the universe, the abundance of the All-Sufficient One to
manifest itself in our lives, without reluctance or thoughts of requital? What
if we learned how to be us while
allowing God to be God?
Today, I let it go. I refuse to live tied to
the past and I will no longer punish myself (or allow others to). I am
positioned for God’s very best and I make no qualms about receiving it. From
today forward, I will stand taller, walk more proudly and live in the hallowed
expectancy of God’s grace and favor. I’m not perfect, nor will I pretend to be,
nor does God expect for me to be. However, I am confident in who God is and who
God has created me to be. So, I choose life; I choose light; I choose love.
Folks, this life is a journey and just when I
think I’ve made some traction, the grace of God reminds me that there’s still
work to be done. A year and a half ago I left a dysfunctional relationship in
search of peace and self-actualization, and BOY has this last 18 months been a
ride of self-discovery. However, I appreciate every opportunity the universe
offers me to learn more and grow further.
Moreover, I appreciate this forum to share with you in hopes that my
lil’ ole raggedy life might help you. For I truly believe….
This is not the end of our
story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. So, today I let go of all of the
guilt and shame of my past. I give myself permission to be human and to have
had a human experience. I realize that guilt and subsequent punishment does not
serve me well, but strangles the realization of my highest good. Therefore, I
let it go and fully expect that there are #bigthingscoming.
NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read
the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or
comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using
the hash tag #bigthingscoming.
(Copyright,
2013, Ray Jordan)
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