My Reputation as Blanche Devereaux: Learning to Love ALL of Me!

I have often been teased and labeled as someone who has lots of sex. While I suppose this label is slightly better than being thought of as the one that no one wants, I’d like to set the record straight.

I have been single for almost four years (I can’t believe it’s been that long). In this time I, naturally, have taken the time to date. In many instances, this has meant meeting for casual cups of coffee or dinner and a movie from time to time.  More often than not, this also includes getting to know someone through dating apps, texts or phone calls (and yes, in the past I have been “getting to know” up to 10 people at one time). However, this never meant I was sleeping with all of them.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe sex is only for married couples. If I did, where would this have left gay couples until most recently? I do believe, however, that sex should be had responsibly between two consenting adults. Outside of those parameters I have no judgment to give. Yet, in my own experiences I have found that sex is much better when there is a real emotional connection between the persons. And for the record….this is what I am currently seeking.

So, if this is the case, how did I get the reputation of being Blanche Devereaux (sorry…Golden Girls reference)? I think it’s because I embody a sensuality that I am not afraid of, nor am I ashamed of. I am well aware that I (along with every other human) am a sexual being. I embrace it. I own it, and it likely shows.

It’s important that I embrace my sexuality as an integral part of myself because for most of life I was made to feel ashamed and this shame warped how I felt about my body.  Recently I told someone that I love while still learning to love my body. After I said it (or actually texted it), I was struck with how those words affected. As a gay person, growing up with conservative Christian ethics, sex and sexuality were taboo topics. And when puberty hit and I discovered my sexual attraction was much stronger for men than women, the conflict between my spirituality and sexuality grew more complicated. Thereby, I never saw my body as something to embrace or enjoy or dare I say…love.

After I lived the life of a married man with children…I “came out” and tried to find an identity as a gay man. The horror of this experience was enough to make me regret my bold step toward authentic living. Here, my body was definitely welcome to the discourse in ways I was not expecting. Conversely, at this time it was my mind that I found to be the issue. I seemed to find myself in a social circle with little intellectual fervor, social consciousness or diversity of thought and interest. The waters seemed to be a bit shallow. So (as someone with my background of rejection would) I found myself shrinking to hide my academic prowess, my social awareness, and my vibrant intellectual curiosity. Nevertheless, I failed miserably at being another fashion crazed, diva diehard, reality television junkie. It just wasn’t in me…I’d rather be talking about politics, religion and social injustice.

In my last post I said I wanted to pick up the conversation regarding the root of rejection and how it has driven many of us farther and faster than we have cared to journey (if you didn’t read the previous post…it’s a must!). But what does all of this have to do with rejection. The fact of the matter remains, for both my pre and post coming out self, I had to learn to reconcile the truth of my identity while  truly loving and accepting it. Whether it be my body or my mind, if I were to expect another person to truly fall in-love with me and cherish me…all of me… then I needed to first fall in-love with and cherish me…all of me.

It’s taken me a lifetime, but I believe I’m finally getting there. The more I learn to love myself; the root of rejection seems to fade into the distant past.

• When ‘he’ doesn’t call or text or show me the attention I desire, it’s ok. I’m learning to not take it personally.
• When I don’t have a date or I find myself feeling lonely…it’s ok. I don’t need another person to validate me. I love me and my own company.
• When I’m tempted to compromise my values or my self-worth, I’m reminded of who I am and what my true value is.  This allows me to take a breath and a step back to more honestly evaluate the situation (rather than being thirsty and taking whatever crumbs some dude is willing to give me).

Do you suffer from the bitter root of rejection? If so, have you identified the cause and are you moving passionately toward self-love and self-care? This is mandatory work for ANYONE who desires or hopes to be in a long-term relationship. Without understanding these concepts and excavating the “crap” of the past…I’m sorry to tell you, but you won’t be fit to be romantically involved with another human being.  Nonetheless, don’t get discouraged, because…

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. So, do the work…be honest and authentic and be healed from the root of rejection. By doing the work, you can be sure to expect #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also feel free to post your questions or comments here or you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming
(Copyright 2016, Ray Jordan)

The Root of it All

Rejection. What an ugly word. In fact, even saying it out loud leaves bad taste in my mouth. Maybe this is true because I have come to believe that being rejected is one of the most painful experiences in the human journey. Just think about it…when was the last time you felt rejected? Guesses are, even the memory of it brings a painful tinge of across your face….and heart.

I can’t speak conclusively, but from personal experiences, rejection, or simply the anticipation of being rejected, has been the cause of my relationship woes and I’m sure it can be found in the neighborhood of your relationship mishaps as well.

• How many times have we shape-shifted ourselves, denying our authenticity, in pursuit of the affection or approval of a potential partner?
• Have you ever put up with more than your fair share of crap from a loved one, just to keep them…just to avoid the feeling of rejection?
• Or, have you ever, consciously or unconsciously, pushed a suitor away, keeping him or her distant, all in an attempt to avoid the seemingly inevitable rejection?

Likelihood is, you have encountered one or all of those experiences. And while you may not have had the self-awareness to recognize the bitter root of rejection  at the play, in hindsight you can probably see it now.

Let me do what I do best, which is talk about myself in hopes that my transparency and self-disclosure might be of help to you. For many years the painful energy of rejection lie at the pit of my solar plexus. It occurred every time I wasn’t picked for the team, or my blackness was the butt of my white peers’ joke, or when my assumed homosexuality was ridiculed or my propensity for intellectualism was used to make me feel “othered”. However, it first took root when I felt abandoned by my mother.

Our relationship with our family, particularly our parents, is often the archetype for how we relate with our intimate partners later in life. It is where we learn rational thinking, logical discourse and conflict mediation. It is also where we learn one of the most important lessons in life…how to emote. How to genuinely and authentically be our truest selves and be loved…not in spite of it, but because of it.

Researcher, social worker and author Brene Brown (if you haven’t read any of her books, don’t walk but run to order them) says that there is a difference between Belonging and Fitting in.  Belonging, she says, is a normal and natural need for all humans. We have a need to be unconditionally loved and accepted. However, fitting in is our external, ego-driven attempt to hustle for acceptance by sacrificing our needs, values and authenticity in exchange for the approval of others. One is crucial for emotionally and mentally healthy people. The other is detrimental to wholehearted and joyous living.

When reading this from Brene I had a huge “aha” moment! All of my life, I have longed to belong, but tried to achieve it by fitting in. And most of the messy mistakes I have made in my adult life is because of it.

So, what does this have to do with romantic relationships? I have learned that belonging starts from within, and this often means healing the scars of the past. Why does it start from within? Because if one doesn’t truly accept and unconditionally love oneself, they will NEVER feel worthy of that kind of love from another.

To avoid making this post too long, I want to leave you with a little homework. Take some time to mediate…to really think about that unlined part and consider all of the ways in which you have unconsciously (or possibly even consciously) acted in ways that lead to the demise of past relationships because somewhere deep inside of yourself you didn’t feel worthy. Now, our egos won’t allow this truth to be apparent, so let me say it a different way.

• Is it possible, our complaining and faultfinding with our partners was fueled by self-dislike? In other words, we treated them the way we truly felt about ourselves.
• Is it possible that our inability to be faithful was fueled by our own insecurity…which was fed by entertaining the inappropriate attention of others?
• Is it possible that our issue with our partners, whatever that issue was (outside of abuse of course), was ignited by an looming sentiment that said get them before they have a chance to get you? Because, in some way you felt you weren’t “enough” and thereby your chances of getting rejected or hurt was somehow inevitable?

I want to pick this up in my next post, but in the meantime please remember:

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Whether we’re currently dating/partnered/married or not…we must know that love and belonging is an inside job and that there are  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also feel free to post your questions or comments here or you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming

(Copyright 2016, Ray Jordan)

Epilogue: Why I Don't Want to Date Anymore

I got such positive feedback from my last post about the perils of dating (if you haven’t read it…look it up), I decided to write a follow up. The overwhelming feedback indicated a few things for me. It indicated that 1) people can relate to relationship woes, 2) people need help sifting through their own experiences, and 3) I need to continue working through my thoughts in written form. So, this post is an attempt to do precisely that.

Considering the third point, I began to wonder exactly why I wanted to give up on dating.

Do I want the experience of walking the journey of life with another person, engaging both the vulnerability and intimacy that walk requires? Yes, I do. I actually feel called to it. I think, more than anything else, one’s relationship with a partner serves as a mirror, and within it the truth of oneself can be seen…the good, the bad and the ugly. I have always been a person of reflection, self-improvement and growth (in fact the presence of persons who seemingly have no ambition or desire to evolve and grow still remains one my greatest annoyances). So, the idea of growing with another person has always been attractive and important to me….so that’s not it.

Do I want the experience of building a life with another person? Yes, I do. Again, I am drawn to the idea of complimenting purposes, building something larger together than can be accomplished alone. Do I feel as if I “need” another person to fulfill purpose in life? No, not at all (to do that, all I need is God). However, I think having a ‘partner in crime’ with whom to collaborate, conspire and build can be a helpful thing. So…again…that isn’t it.

Do I want a romantic partner? Yes, I do. Deep at heart, I am a terribly corny romantic who believes in the intentional pursuit of passion and desire between partners. I am naturally affectionate and passionate and would love a partner with whom to share that energy.

So.....what in the hell is the problem? Why don’t I want to date? I realized today, that I don’t want to date because I don’t know how. Historically, I have shied away from things I don’t do well (although I’ve begun to change that). Many men do. We’ve been taught to portray only displays of strength and accomplishment, while hiding our fears, insecurities and frailties, even from those closest to us. So, if I don’t know how to date, it only makes sense that I don’t want to do it. But is that all?

I believe it goes beyond that. I, admittedly, am a pretty good partner. I’m an excellent roommate and have given lots of thought and had lots of practice at coupling (a 7 year marriage and 5 year relationship). However, how does one date? If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear it!

I don’t know how to date or hang in this limbo land of “getting to know each other” or “talking.” This is true for a number of reasons. This is true, partially, because I’m ordinarily very busy and outside of my work and community commitment I don’t always have time to go out and do stuff during the week or weekend, thereby limiting the time I actually see a potential partner. So, having someone who "lives-in" seems to work better logistically.

Yet, I also think this true because my communication style and personality works best with stated boundaries and understood expectations. How does one know what to do or how to act without agreed upon boundaries and expectations? I known we are supposed to “go with the flow” or let it happen “naturally” or “organically.” Just typing those makes me chuckle.....followed by a feeling of dark despair. How do I know that what comes “natural” for me is also what comes natural for the other person. And if you add a non-communicative individual to the mix, the results can simply be disastrous!

I like to say that labels don’t matter, and official titles aren’t important. And maybe they aren't. But what is important for me, is being on the same page. Finding a common rhythm and articulating what that rhythm feels and sounds like for each person.  Am I alone in feeling this way?

At the end of the day I don’t want to date anymore because I apparently don’t know how to do it and are thereby bad at it. So, I have some decisions to make. Do I give up on dating entirely, and resign to live life single (which for me is a real option…I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being single, and in fact some people may be called to it)? Or, do I use the discomfort of dating to dig deeper into my identity and excavate areas that need healing? At this point, I’m not sure. Part of me says I’m called to be partnered while another says, “Lord, please don’t teach me no more. I don’t need to be healed of nothing else!” Because healing often hurts worse before it feels better. Sigh….However, I’ll continue reminding myself (and you) that….

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Whether we’re currently dating/partnered/married or not…we must know that we are worthy of it…all of it, and there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also feel free to post your questions or comments here or you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming

(Copyright 2016, Ray Jordan)

I Don't Want to Date Anymore!

OK, I have a declaration to make. It’s a declaration in the sense that I feel the need to say it…but not in the sense that anyone wants or cares to actually hear it. Here goes!

“I don’t want to date anymore. And furthermore, I sure don’t want to be gay, either!”

Ok, whew! That feels slightly better. However, let the record show that I have come a looooooong way! It all began before I was born. I brewed in the womb of a mother who suffered from guilt and shame about being a teenager, unwed, pregnant, and not completely sure who the father of her unborn child was. Thus, shame and guilt filled her womb and entered my being and therefore these energies seem to be my ‘go-to’ places. For my entire life, I have lived under an umbrella of some sort of guilt and shame (and while religion should have helped to liberate me from it, it unfortunately added to my pitiful state).

So, when I say I’ve come a long way, please know that I mean it. I have successfully broken through years and fortified layers of past mistakes and many iterations of my identify to find a sense of self that is not guilty or shameful about anything, but one who relishes in the beauty of his own authenticity…gay and all! Having said that, I still have a way to go. However strong and accomplished and confident and educated and able as I might appear (and I really am), romantic relationships still seem to be the last frontier.

This is not because I am necessarily difficult to live with nor am I adverse to commitment. I am only 36 and I have already had a marriage that successfully lasted 7 years and a long-term relationship that lasted five. I am actually a pretty good living companion. However, now that I seek more than a convenient living situation and good sex (which I’m not too bad at either) but rather a spiritual partnership, things have changed and thus finding the right “fit” has become increasingly more challenging.

There is much to say, but to make a long story interesting, my relationship woes relate to a lurking, seemingly ever-present sense of inadequacy. As much as I hate to admit it, this still plagues me. I have learned, quite successfully, to move past this feeling in most areas of my life. Nevertheless, romantic relationships still invoke inner pain unlike any other circumstance can.

The looming question still remains: “Am I enough? Do I offer enough? Do you see me, clearly and fully? And do you accept what you see, as unconventional as it might appear?”

Lord, have mercy! While I am tempted to fall on my knees and pray for deliverance, I know instantaneous deliverance will not be granted (although falling on my knees in prayer offers some temporary strength to go the next step of the way). This deliverance happens slowly, only occurring as I am willing to do the hard work of self-awareness and introspection. I must identify my tender spaces and ask the why, how, what, when, and where of my past hurts and contemporary experiences.

In other words:

• Why do I feel angry or frustrated when he doesn’t text back in a certain time frame?
• How do I move past my experiences of hurt and insecurity, as not to sabotage this relationship?
• What areas of my ego are fired up and activated in this encounter?
•  When will I be able to encounter these situations without emotional pain or internal discomfort?
• Where can I turn for a nonjudgmental listening ear?

Awww…spiritual growth and emotional maturity. There are many things I do not know, yet there are things I know for sure (and they don’t always mesh in ways that are easily understood). For example, I don’t know why relationships are as challenging as they seem to be. Yet, for sure, I know that these experiences open us in ways that many others can’t, therefore the discomfort should be embraced and the pain should be seen as a learning tool.

My biggest question so far: how do you move passed the ability of one’s dating partner to invoke anxiety and/or pain without also turning callous towards said partner? In other words, how does one liberate oneself without it equating a cold divorce of the desirable romantic partner? Does this make sense? If not, leave me a message below.

This not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you, they are ahead of you. Romantic relationships can simultaneously be despised while also being greatly sought. Likewise, you can feel trapped, yet know there are  #bigthingscoming. Oh the great paradox!

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2016, Ray Jordan)