I have often been teased and labeled as someone who has lots of sex. While I suppose this label
is slightly better than being thought of as the one that no one wants, I’d like
to set the record straight.
I have been single for almost four years (I can’t believe
it’s been that long). In this time I, naturally, have taken the time to date.
In many instances, this has meant meeting for casual cups of coffee or dinner
and a movie from time to time.
More often than not, this also includes getting to know someone through dating
apps, texts or phone calls (and yes, in the past I have been “getting to know”
up to 10 people at one time). However, this never meant I was sleeping with all
of them.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe sex is only for married couples. If I did,
where would this have left gay couples until most recently? I do believe,
however, that sex should be had responsibly between two consenting adults.
Outside of those parameters I have no judgment to give. Yet, in my own
experiences I have found that sex is much better when there is a real emotional
connection between the persons. And for the record….this is what I am currently seeking.
So, if this is the case, how did I get the reputation of
being Blanche Devereaux (sorry…Golden Girls reference)? I think it’s because I
embody a sensuality that I am not afraid of, nor am I ashamed of. I am well
aware that I (along with every other human) am a sexual being. I embrace it. I
own it, and it likely shows.
It’s important that I embrace my sexuality as an integral
part of myself because for most of life I was made to feel ashamed and this
shame warped how I felt about my body. Recently I told someone that I love while still learning to
love my body. After I said it (or actually texted it), I was struck with how
those words affected. As a gay person, growing up with conservative Christian
ethics, sex and sexuality were taboo topics. And when puberty hit and I
discovered my sexual attraction was much stronger for men than women, the
conflict between my spirituality and sexuality grew more complicated. Thereby,
I never saw my body as something to embrace or enjoy or dare I say…love.
After I lived the life of a married man with children…I
“came out” and tried to find an identity as a gay man. The horror of this
experience was enough to make me regret my bold step toward authentic living.
Here, my body was definitely welcome to the discourse in ways I was not
expecting. Conversely, at this time it was my mind that I found to be the
issue. I seemed to find myself in a social circle with little intellectual
fervor, social consciousness or diversity of thought and interest. The waters seemed
to be a bit shallow. So (as someone with my background of rejection would) I
found myself shrinking to hide my academic prowess, my social awareness, and my
vibrant intellectual curiosity. Nevertheless, I failed miserably at being
another fashion crazed, diva diehard, reality television junkie. It just wasn’t
in me…I’d rather be talking about politics, religion and social injustice.
In my last post I said I wanted to pick up the conversation regarding
the root of rejection and how it has driven many of us farther and faster than we
have cared to journey (if you didn’t read the previous post…it’s a must!). But
what does all of this have to do with rejection. The fact of the matter
remains, for both my pre and post coming out self, I had to learn to reconcile
the truth of my identity while
truly loving and accepting it. Whether it be my body or my mind, if I
were to expect another person to truly fall in-love with me and cherish me…all of me… then I needed to first fall
in-love with and cherish me…all of me.
It’s taken me a lifetime, but I believe I’m finally getting
there. The more I learn to love myself; the root of rejection seems to fade
into the distant past.
- When ‘he’ doesn’t call or text or show me the attention I desire, it’s ok. I’m learning to not take it personally.
- When I don’t have a date or I find myself feeling lonely…it’s ok. I don’t need another person to validate me. I love me and my own company.
- When I’m tempted to compromise my values or my self-worth, I’m reminded of who I am and what my true value is. This allows me to take a breath and a step back to more honestly evaluate the situation (rather than being thirsty and taking whatever crumbs some dude is willing to give me).
Do you suffer from the bitter root of rejection? If so, have
you identified the cause and are you moving passionately toward self-love and
self-care? This is mandatory work for ANYONE who desires or hopes to be in a
long-term relationship. Without understanding these concepts and excavating the
“crap” of the past…I’m sorry to tell you, but you won’t be fit to be romantically involved with another human being. Nonetheless, don’t get discouraged,
because…
This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not
behind us; they are ahead of us. So, do the work…be honest and authentic and be
healed from the root of rejection. By doing the work, you can be sure to expect
#bigthingscoming.
(Copyright 2016, Ray Jordan)
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