The Root of it All

Rejection. What an ugly word. In fact, even saying it out loud leaves bad taste in my mouth. Maybe this is true because I have come to believe that being rejected is one of the most painful experiences in the human journey. Just think about it…when was the last time you felt rejected? Guesses are, even the memory of it brings a painful tinge of across your face….and heart.

I can’t speak conclusively, but from personal experiences, rejection, or simply the anticipation of being rejected, has been the cause of my relationship woes and I’m sure it can be found in the neighborhood of your relationship mishaps as well.

• How many times have we shape-shifted ourselves, denying our authenticity, in pursuit of the affection or approval of a potential partner?
• Have you ever put up with more than your fair share of crap from a loved one, just to keep them…just to avoid the feeling of rejection?
• Or, have you ever, consciously or unconsciously, pushed a suitor away, keeping him or her distant, all in an attempt to avoid the seemingly inevitable rejection?

Likelihood is, you have encountered one or all of those experiences. And while you may not have had the self-awareness to recognize the bitter root of rejection  at the play, in hindsight you can probably see it now.

Let me do what I do best, which is talk about myself in hopes that my transparency and self-disclosure might be of help to you. For many years the painful energy of rejection lie at the pit of my solar plexus. It occurred every time I wasn’t picked for the team, or my blackness was the butt of my white peers’ joke, or when my assumed homosexuality was ridiculed or my propensity for intellectualism was used to make me feel “othered”. However, it first took root when I felt abandoned by my mother.

Our relationship with our family, particularly our parents, is often the archetype for how we relate with our intimate partners later in life. It is where we learn rational thinking, logical discourse and conflict mediation. It is also where we learn one of the most important lessons in life…how to emote. How to genuinely and authentically be our truest selves and be loved…not in spite of it, but because of it.

Researcher, social worker and author Brene Brown (if you haven’t read any of her books, don’t walk but run to order them) says that there is a difference between Belonging and Fitting in.  Belonging, she says, is a normal and natural need for all humans. We have a need to be unconditionally loved and accepted. However, fitting in is our external, ego-driven attempt to hustle for acceptance by sacrificing our needs, values and authenticity in exchange for the approval of others. One is crucial for emotionally and mentally healthy people. The other is detrimental to wholehearted and joyous living.

When reading this from Brene I had a huge “aha” moment! All of my life, I have longed to belong, but tried to achieve it by fitting in. And most of the messy mistakes I have made in my adult life is because of it.

So, what does this have to do with romantic relationships? I have learned that belonging starts from within, and this often means healing the scars of the past. Why does it start from within? Because if one doesn’t truly accept and unconditionally love oneself, they will NEVER feel worthy of that kind of love from another.

To avoid making this post too long, I want to leave you with a little homework. Take some time to mediate…to really think about that unlined part and consider all of the ways in which you have unconsciously (or possibly even consciously) acted in ways that lead to the demise of past relationships because somewhere deep inside of yourself you didn’t feel worthy. Now, our egos won’t allow this truth to be apparent, so let me say it a different way.

• Is it possible, our complaining and faultfinding with our partners was fueled by self-dislike? In other words, we treated them the way we truly felt about ourselves.
• Is it possible that our inability to be faithful was fueled by our own insecurity…which was fed by entertaining the inappropriate attention of others?
• Is it possible that our issue with our partners, whatever that issue was (outside of abuse of course), was ignited by an looming sentiment that said get them before they have a chance to get you? Because, in some way you felt you weren’t “enough” and thereby your chances of getting rejected or hurt was somehow inevitable?

I want to pick this up in my next post, but in the meantime please remember:

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Whether we’re currently dating/partnered/married or not…we must know that love and belonging is an inside job and that there are  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also feel free to post your questions or comments here or you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming

(Copyright 2016, Ray Jordan)