I Don't Want to Date Anymore!

OK, I have a declaration to make. It’s a declaration in the sense that I feel the need to say it…but not in the sense that anyone wants or cares to actually hear it. Here goes!

“I don’t want to date anymore. And furthermore, I sure don’t want to be gay, either!”

Ok, whew! That feels slightly better. However, let the record show that I have come a looooooong way! It all began before I was born. I brewed in the womb of a mother who suffered from guilt and shame about being a teenager, unwed, pregnant, and not completely sure who the father of her unborn child was. Thus, shame and guilt filled her womb and entered my being and therefore these energies seem to be my ‘go-to’ places. For my entire life, I have lived under an umbrella of some sort of guilt and shame (and while religion should have helped to liberate me from it, it unfortunately added to my pitiful state).

So, when I say I’ve come a long way, please know that I mean it. I have successfully broken through years and fortified layers of past mistakes and many iterations of my identify to find a sense of self that is not guilty or shameful about anything, but one who relishes in the beauty of his own authenticity…gay and all! Having said that, I still have a way to go. However strong and accomplished and confident and educated and able as I might appear (and I really am), romantic relationships still seem to be the last frontier.

This is not because I am necessarily difficult to live with nor am I adverse to commitment. I am only 36 and I have already had a marriage that successfully lasted 7 years and a long-term relationship that lasted five. I am actually a pretty good living companion. However, now that I seek more than a convenient living situation and good sex (which I’m not too bad at either) but rather a spiritual partnership, things have changed and thus finding the right “fit” has become increasingly more challenging.

There is much to say, but to make a long story interesting, my relationship woes relate to a lurking, seemingly ever-present sense of inadequacy. As much as I hate to admit it, this still plagues me. I have learned, quite successfully, to move past this feeling in most areas of my life. Nevertheless, romantic relationships still invoke inner pain unlike any other circumstance can.

The looming question still remains: “Am I enough? Do I offer enough? Do you see me, clearly and fully? And do you accept what you see, as unconventional as it might appear?”

Lord, have mercy! While I am tempted to fall on my knees and pray for deliverance, I know instantaneous deliverance will not be granted (although falling on my knees in prayer offers some temporary strength to go the next step of the way). This deliverance happens slowly, only occurring as I am willing to do the hard work of self-awareness and introspection. I must identify my tender spaces and ask the why, how, what, when, and where of my past hurts and contemporary experiences.

In other words:

• Why do I feel angry or frustrated when he doesn’t text back in a certain time frame?
• How do I move past my experiences of hurt and insecurity, as not to sabotage this relationship?
• What areas of my ego are fired up and activated in this encounter?
•  When will I be able to encounter these situations without emotional pain or internal discomfort?
• Where can I turn for a nonjudgmental listening ear?

Awww…spiritual growth and emotional maturity. There are many things I do not know, yet there are things I know for sure (and they don’t always mesh in ways that are easily understood). For example, I don’t know why relationships are as challenging as they seem to be. Yet, for sure, I know that these experiences open us in ways that many others can’t, therefore the discomfort should be embraced and the pain should be seen as a learning tool.

My biggest question so far: how do you move passed the ability of one’s dating partner to invoke anxiety and/or pain without also turning callous towards said partner? In other words, how does one liberate oneself without it equating a cold divorce of the desirable romantic partner? Does this make sense? If not, leave me a message below.

This not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you, they are ahead of you. Romantic relationships can simultaneously be despised while also being greatly sought. Likewise, you can feel trapped, yet know there are  #bigthingscoming. Oh the great paradox!

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2016, Ray Jordan)