I got such positive
feedback from my last post about the perils of dating (if you haven’t read it…look
it up), I decided to write a follow up. The overwhelming feedback indicated a
few things for me. It indicated that 1) people can relate to relationship woes,
2) people need help sifting through their own experiences, and 3) I need to
continue working through my thoughts in written form. So, this post is an
attempt to do precisely that.
Considering the third point, I began to wonder
exactly why I wanted to give up on dating.
Do I want the
experience of walking the journey of life with another person, engaging both
the vulnerability and intimacy that walk requires? Yes, I do. I actually feel
called to it. I think, more than anything else, one’s relationship with a
partner serves as a mirror, and within it the truth of oneself can be seen…the
good, the bad and the ugly. I have always been a person of reflection,
self-improvement and growth (in fact the presence of persons who seemingly have
no ambition or desire to evolve and grow still remains one my greatest
annoyances). So, the idea of growing with another person has always been
attractive and important to me….so that’s not it.
Do I want the
experience of building a life with another person? Yes, I do. Again, I am drawn
to the idea of complimenting purposes, building something larger together than can be accomplished alone. Do I feel as if
I “need” another person to fulfill purpose in life? No, not at all (to do that,
all I need is God). However, I think having a ‘partner in crime’ with whom to
collaborate, conspire and build can be a helpful thing. So…again…that isn’t it.
Do I want a
romantic partner? Yes, I do. Deep at heart, I am a terribly corny romantic who believes in the intentional pursuit
of passion and desire between partners. I am naturally affectionate and
passionate and would love a partner with whom to share that energy.
So.....what in the
hell is the problem? Why don’t I want to date? I realized today, that I don’t want to
date because I don’t know how. Historically, I
have shied away from things I don’t do well (although I’ve begun to change
that). Many men do. We’ve been taught to portray only displays of strength and
accomplishment, while hiding our fears, insecurities and frailties, even from
those closest to us. So, if I don’t know how to date, it only makes sense that
I don’t want to do it. But is that all?
I believe it goes
beyond that. I, admittedly, am a pretty good partner. I’m an excellent roommate
and have given lots of thought and had lots of practice at coupling (a 7 year
marriage and 5 year relationship). However, how does one date? If anyone has any
advice, I’d love to hear it!
I don’t know how to
date or hang in this limbo land of “getting to know each other” or “talking.”
This is true for a number of reasons. This is true, partially, because I’m
ordinarily very busy and outside of my work and community commitment I don’t
always have time to go out and do stuff during the week or weekend, thereby
limiting the time I actually see a potential partner. So, having someone who
"lives-in" seems to work better logistically.
Yet, I also think
this true because my communication style and personality works best with stated
boundaries and understood expectations. How does one know what to do or how to
act without agreed upon boundaries and expectations? I known we are supposed to
“go with the flow” or let it happen “naturally” or “organically.” Just typing
those makes me chuckle.....followed by a feeling of dark despair. How do I know
that what comes “natural” for me is also what comes natural for the other
person. And if you add a non-communicative individual to the mix, the results
can simply be disastrous!
I like to say that labels don’t matter, and official
titles aren’t important. And maybe they aren't. But what is important for me, is being on the same page.
Finding a common rhythm and articulating what that rhythm feels and sounds like
for each person. Am I alone in
feeling this way?
At the end of the
day I don’t want to date anymore because I apparently don’t know how to do it
and are thereby bad at it. So, I have some decisions to make. Do I give up on
dating entirely, and resign to live life single (which for me is a real option…I
don’t think there’s anything wrong with being single, and in fact some people
may be called to it)? Or, do I use the discomfort of dating to dig deeper into
my identity and excavate areas that need healing? At this point, I’m not sure.
Part of me says I’m called to be partnered while another says, “Lord, please
don’t teach me no more. I don’t need to be healed of nothing else!” Because
healing often hurts worse before it feels better. Sigh….However, I’ll continue
reminding myself (and you) that….
This is not the end
of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Whether we’re
currently dating/partnered/married or not…we must know that we are worthy of it…all
of it, and there are #bigthingscoming.
NOTE: If you’re new
to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also
feel free to post your questions or comments here or you can always reach out
to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming
(Copyright 2016,
Ray Jordan)
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