February 7 would have been my grandmother's 91st
birthday. She left us in 2013, but actually her brain aneurysm took her away
from us in 2005 (leaving her in a coma for a year and bedridden for the next
7.5 years). Losing the most consequential person in your life in your 20s takes
a toll. There is so much I want to ask her. There have been so many instances
when her wisdom was needed in my life. She was not perfect, but she was mine
and reflection upon her role in my life has led me to do some self-reflection
as well. I begin with my childhood.
I have often described my childhood in sentimental ways. Don’t
get me wrong, everything I’ve recounted, either publicly or privately, is true.
I did grow up on a farm, surrounded by small town values like hard work and
integrity, and nurtured by the affirming support of “church ladies” who saw God’s
hand on me at an early age. I still reminisce about the days of my sitting on a
church pew next to my grandmother, soaking up every song, prayer, and sermon…not
to mention my grandmother’s adoring love. All of this is true. However, it is
only a part of my truth.
The other part of my truth is not so pretty. I have only
come to accept this conclusion recently (most specifically during the pandemic lockdown
as I had ample time to reflect and think). The ugly truth of my life is that my
childhood was filled with compounding traumas. Recently I have accepted the
reality that these traumas still live to haunt me. I consider myself very
self-aware, so I am embarrassed to admit that I had compartmentalized this
trauma, incorrectly divorcing it from the way I experience life today.
I may offer the dirty details of these traumas in later
posts, but at this time I’d like to describe how that trauma made me feel as a
child and how it continues to show up in my life as an adult. Simply said, I
spent many years of my life wishing I was someone else, thinking a huge mistake
had occurred. I spent too much time asking the Divine if these people were my real
family and cursing my inability to “fit in.” Many of the people who raised
me (my parents, uncles and aunts) didn’t quite know what to make of me. I was an
intellect. I was deeply spiritual. I was beyond my years in wisdom. In many ways I
was a prodigy, but they didn’t or couldn’t see it. Rather, I was treated more
as a pariah, a nuisance, a weirdo, an outsider.
I was a black kid in a racist white world, a gay kid with no
one to affirm me or help me navigate the homophobia of my life, a poor kid who
never dressed in the latest fashions or boasted the latest technology, and most
importantly, I was an orphan. I was essentially abandoned by two drug addicted
parents, one whose residence was an Oklahoma prison and another whose erratic
violent behavior often caused emotional spirals that left our whole family in
deep grief and anger.
These traumas (racism, poverty, homophobia, and family
dysfunction) left me in deep pain that is still hard to discuss. Today, because
of these compounding traumas, I still suffer from a fear of rejection, separation
anxiety, and a real impediment to building friendships and community (all of
which I am proud to say I have made great strides in overcoming). My self-awareness
easily becomes self-consciousness and my status as an outsider can show up in
ways that cloud my judgement.
If you’re reading this, you may feel a sense of empathy. You
may identify with these experiences because they mirror your own. Or you may,
indeed, think I am batshit crazy! In any case, I hope my disclosure leads you to
do a little healing work in your own life because if I have learned anything in
recent months, it is that life is short. Life is unpredictable. Life is imperfect.
However, life is worth living, especially if we are willing to do the necessary
“soul work” to heal. Yes, I am healing. Yes, I am getting stronger. Yes, I am
imperfect, but yes, I am learning to lean into my power.
Maybe you can identify with compounding trauma. Maybe you have some work to do for growth and healing. If so, I am rooting for you and praying for you and I am confident that you will rise, like a phoenix from the ashes, into your purpose. In fact, let’s do this together. Let’s hold each other accountable. Let’s be better and better and better. Because the best is not behind us, it's ahead of us...and ther are #bigthingscoming.
