Yesterday I shared a sobering experience, one in which I
allowed my emotions to lead me to a better sense of direction for myself and a
clearer understanding of what was going on with and within me (if you haven’t,
you must read that post!). However, in that post I also promised that more was
shown to me, so today I’d like to continue sharing that experience in hopes
that someone might also muster courage enough to “feel” what their soul is
trying to express.
As I sit on the floor that night, I allowed myself to weep
and my soul to mourn the loss of a life once known, the dashed hopes of a perceived
future, and the reality of my own human failure and frailty. However, during
this time I also began to understand the magnitude of pain that the loss of my
vocation had caused me. For me, the last two years has been a time of
discernment regarding my career and vocation. In the end, I have come to a
conclusion…I am a preacher. Whether or not I am meant to be a pastor, it is still
unclear, but I am a spiritual life coach and teacher of spiritual truths when I
am at my best and highest self. So, as I sat in the raw emotion of the last
eight years, I began to re-sense a calling to ministry.
In the past, I’ve had conversations with God in which I have
rehearsed all of the reasons why I could no longer be a minister:
“But God,” I said; “I’m gay,” I said. “I’ve seen too much,” I said;
“too disenchanted with the Church,” I said. “I’m too broke and broken,” I
said….
However, this time was different. On my bedroom floor, in
the brokenness of my raw emotion, I simply surrendered. I told God, “Hey, if
you want me to be a minister, I’ll do it. Yes, Lord, I’ll do it!” Now, what
does any of this mean?....I ‘m not quite sure. In which ways will my “ministry”
take place?…I haven’t a clue. But one thing I am sure of, God simply wants a
yes, and the way will be made.
I’ve had similar conversations with God regarding my being
in a relationship. Humorously, I remind myself of the old song, “I, Who Have
Nothing,” because this is exactly how I feel. I feel as if I have nothing….but love
to give. I have nothing to give God, give to a congregation, give to a
partner….I have nothing but me to
give. And in my crying, snotty mess, I heard God say, that was enough. So, I
wiped my weeping eyes that night, and have not looked back, feeling free,
healed and revived.
I share this with you, for no other reason but to help,
inform, teach, and empower someone else. So, quite naturally, my question for
you is, where do you need to give God a yes?
Where do you need to feel deeply,
experience richly, and therefore be led to courage and action in your response
to God’s calling for your life? Where have you given God a bunch of excuses,
yet God is beckoning that you are
enough? For…
This
is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead
of you. Allow your emotions to
lead you to a deeper experience with both yourself and the Creator. Allow them
to renew you, free you and open you to
all of the #bigthingscoming.
NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read
my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments
here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash
tag #bigthingscoming.
(Copyright,
2013, Ray Jordan)
Please enjoy this rendition of the classic "I (Who Have Nothing)." Gotta love Gladys Knight!
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