Post #49- The Pain of the Past

“Be Healed, Be Delivered and Be Set Free”

~Bishop G.E. Patterson

Rejection…..what an ugly word. I know it’s not inherently ugly, but, as with any other word, it has the power to invoke emotion and memory within us. For me, the very word reminds me of what’s scariest about relationships. At the end of the day we all simply want to be loved and accepted…wholly, fully and passionately and the thought of someone not doing so, makes us feel “rejected.”

If you simply take a look around you’ll see that relationships are a hot topic. From tabloid stories on which celebrity couple is in and which are out to self-help books and dating websites (heck, I’m even dedicating several posts of my blog to them), the human desire to be coupled is undeniable….and normal. We are social creatures and I believe we are better together than we are apart, therefore romantic relationships are a normal extension of our capacity to be social, and in many ways are the most telling type of social relationship we have.

What do I mean? Romantic relationships (at least in the Western world) are totally voluntary, so someone can choose to love and care for us….or not (scary stuff, huh?) Also, they require, when done correctly, for us to be vulnerable and transparent, giving our partners a good look at who we really are and allowing them to decide if what they see is really what they’d like to be with for the REST OF THEIR LIFE. And when you add the element of sexual attraction, trying to match who and what we like with someone who will feels the same toward us, relationships can be a messy endeavor. Therefore, the possibility of rejection or feeling rejected is likely.

There is nothing like feeling rejected. It is a heart-wrenching experience that cuts to the very fabric of what it means to be human. When we feel rejected by someone, especially someone we care for, we have a tendency to take on the rejection as feelings of self-loathing, asking ourselves, “Am I not good enough…Am I not smart enough...Am I not pretty or cute enough …Am I not enough.” 

Rejection, unfortunately, is a feeling I know all too well. Growing up I felt rejected by and in nearly every area of my life:

• I felt rejected by my mother who was absent due to a drug addiction.
• I felt rejected by my father, who was in prison, and then by his family who never cared to reach out to us in his absence.
• I felt rejected by the black kids because they said I spoke and acted "too white."
• I felt rejected by the white kids because…well, I was usually the only black kid in the group and they never let me forget it.
• I felt rejected by my male peers because I acted “gay.”
• I felt rejected by my female peers because they never saw me as dating material.
• I felt rejected by young people and contemporary culture because I just didn’t get it and wasn’t “cool” enough (or whatever phrase was being used in the 90’s).
• I felt rejected by adults because I was always being told to “go play with the kids.”
• I felt rejected by my cousins and church peers (which were one and the same) because I was an overachiever and the Sunday School “teacher’s pet.”
• I felt rejected by my family because I was “different” and “weird” and they let me know it.

Similarly, the saga continues today because:

• My education and experience often cause me to enjoy things other folks my age don’t seem to enjoy (especially African American men within my peer group).
• Now that I have fully embraced my sexuality, I feel rejected by the Church because I’m SGL (same-gender-loving).
• Likewise, I often feel rejected because I have children and have been married so I’m too “straight” to be gay and yet too “gay” to be straight.

In many ways, rejection has become the “norm” and the most consistent companion I have. However, here lies the danger with any pain that we’ve experienced. We have to be very careful not to fall back into the familiar, especially when what’s familiar to us is the pain of our past or present, because doing so inevitably blocks us from seeing the blessing of our today and tomorrow.

Every day offers a new mercy and every moment a new opportunity for love and laughter and peace and renewal. If I allowed it to, the rejection of my past would sabotage every new relationship, cutting it off at the legs before it ever had the chance to develop into a spiritual partnership. We must remember that this one, is not the old one; therefore we can’t make this one pay for the other one’s mistakes.

Rest assure, when we enter into relationships with persons who have the capacity to be our spiritual partner, their presence in our life will touch every tender place and invoke every emotional trigger. It’s what spiritual partners do. But the difference between someone who is abusive and someone who is there to assist in our spiritual growth resides in the pure motive, intention, and rationality of their actions. Meaning, their actions aren’t malicious, disrespectful or ill intended, but our perception of them induces emotion and discomfort. So, if you are in a spiritual partnership, you will be patient with each other. You will walk through the discomfort together, getting beyond the surface to the root cause.

In my case, any spiritual partner I have (or anyone I’m dating that might have the potential of being a spiritual partner) will incite the pain of rejection (that’s my trigger, what’s yours?). I know this, so as I date or become close to someone….if I’m serious about growing spiritually, I can count on opportunities to feel offended and rejected to present themselves.

In some instances, will I have a valid point? Possibly. In many others, will I be overreacting and feeling “some kinda way” for no real reason…you betcha! Will the person I’m dating need to know this, and be asked to be patient with me. Yes. Will that person oblige? Only if they are spiritual partnership material.

For most of us, rejection is a scary proposition. No one wants to feel it, in fact most of us run away from it like the plague (which may be why we keep sabotaging our relationships and hurting good people….or why others we care for can’t quite seem to commit). I’m well versed in the pain of rejection, and know that any spiritual partnership I enter will, in part, be there to help heal me of that pain…as I will be there to help my partner heal their pain.

In the words of G.I. Joe, “knowing is half the battle.” Once you know what’s going on, you will understand that life is not happening to you but for you. Every circumstance and situation, those that feel good and those that don’t, is here for your healing, growth and success. So, use them! Some relationships are for a reason, others for a season, and yes, some for a lifetime. Rejection, however, only comes when we confuse them. For….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Spiritual Partnerships come to heal you, so let them do their job. Be aware of what’s going on in your mental and emotional self, and be delivered from the the fear of rejection and/or the pain of your past. For if you live in fear, rather than love, you’ll miss all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)