Post #36- Artegus Madden: Here's to You Girl!

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

~Attributed to Dr. Seuss, printed on the front cover of Artegus Madden’s funeral program.

Most people hate funerals, but I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no masochist nor do I receive pleasure in the heartbreak or grief of others, however I have always seen life as a storyline, a narrative unfolding, in both ordinary and unexpected ways. Therefore, I think, if done well, funerals and memorials are best used to tell the “story” of someone’s life, including all of the triumphs, pain, laughter and unforeseen blessings of life’s journey (I utterly reject the evangelical “get ‘em saved” versions of funerals and eulogies, in which the loved ones of the deceased are subjected to proselytization rather than encouragement and inspiration wrapped in the celebration of their loved one’s life).

This year I have experienced the deaths of several people close to me, most of which were unexpected. These included a dear professor and mentor of mine, a friend killed in a car accident, and my beloved grandmother who raised me. However, the most recent was the murder of a dear friend. It was, clearly, tragic and unanticipated, yet it affected me in ways for which I was not prepared. As with any death, but particularly that of a peer (and it didn’t help we were the same age), we are often prompted to face our own mortality and even reevaluate our lives. Although I engage these activities more than the average person (for goodness’ sake I teach collegiate courses in philosophy and write this blog), this death required me to go deeper and “feel” more intently.

My last few posts have included this notion of “Feel….Deal….Heal.” I have encouraged us to unpack what it really means and have spent some time chiefly around the idea of feel and feeling. I have used this forum to encourage us to literally “feel” the feelings, allowing the emotions to move and be, while discouraging the fine art of stuffing and numbing our emotions, which has become an American pastime. So, as any good teacher does, I wanted to model this in my own internal life as I both celebrated the life of my dear friend, while yet mourning the cruel act that took her from us.

May I begin by simply saying that Artegus Madden was a gift to those who knew her. She was what is commonly known as a transwoman, or a person born biologically male yet experiences what psychiatrists have called “gender identity disorder” or what has more recently been termed “gender dysphoria” (a transman would be one who on the contrary was born female yet transitioned to “being” male). In other words, what one sees in the mirror (physical body) does not match how one experiences oneself within (brain/self-idenity doesn’t match the equipment). 

The trans world is a complex one, no doubt, with a variety of terms, understandings and ways of being in the world. So, it’s easy to understand why the “T” within the LGBT community is often the forgotten and misunderstood. Moreover, as a member of this community, may I also include that they are also often the most shamed. The regular run-of-the-mill gay person doesn’t necessarily understand her or his transgendered  brother and sister anymore than the heterosexual world does, so we can often be guilty of joining the world in its shaming and blaming and gawking and taunting of transgendered persons.

When I first moved from Arkansas to Dallas in 2005, Artegus was one of the first friends I met, and definitely the first transgendered person I had ever met or known. So, you can imagine my interest in how “her” story would be told during the funeral. May I say, her family and the Red Oak Missionary Baptist Church of Longview, Texas did a remarkable job of telling it. Some used male pronouns, others used female, but no one seemed to flinch. The pictures used to memorialize her were both of her little “boy” preadolescent self and her adult young “woman” self while pictorially displaying the transformation in between. And the pastor, while he didn’t speak to the beauty of her life (he didn’t really know her well enough to do so), he referenced the exceptional remarks that had been made by her friends and family and then proceeded to offer a moving and inspirational eulogy aimed at comforting the family in their loss. All and all….job well done!

So, where do me and  my “feelings” fit into all of this? My task was simply to stay present. Though I wanted to be reflective on Aretegus’ life and what our friendship meant to me, I also wanted to be available to the experience, allowing my e-motions (energy in motion) to do exactly that…to move in and through, to form and transform as God saw fit. When I felt tempted to numb my feelings through distraction, I stopped myself. Likewise, when I was tempted to stuff my feelings, fighting back the tears (especially at the sight of her slightly deformed corpse), I reminded myself of this blog and my own words, and thereby experienced an authentic reaction that allowed the tears to flow.

After the funeral a friend sent me a text that stated:

“I felt like you embodied how I felt on the inside today. You carried and released the tears I needed to let go of. Thank you for being present. I love you dearly.”

Again, Artegus was a gift to me and all who knew her; and even at her funeral, her life and her courage to live it authentically was still teaching anyone available to receive the lesson. I don’t know what the end of my life’s story will be, none of us do. Yet, I am convinced that life is indeed a story of love and laughter as well as pain and sorrow, and it is our job to simply be available to it, because…..

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us.  So, let’s live in a way that honors our authenticity and gives our loved ones tons of good stories and memories to share at our funeral. In other words, let’s life like there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)