For the past couple of years I have experienced a reoccurring dream. First, let me say that I am a big believer in paying attention to life and allowing our experiences to be our greatest teacher. The late televangelist Oral Roberts used to say there was a miracle coming our way every day, it was just up to us to reach out and receive it. In many ways I believe this. However, most days I believe each day offers the simple miracle of a life lived in the present while being self-aware. So, when I recently heard author, former monk and psychotherapist Thomas Moore say that our dream life can be considered more real than our conscious life, I paid attention.
I paid attention because, as I mentioned, I have a reoccurring dream. It’s not the exact same dream over and over but rather the same experience over and over. In dream after dream, night after night, my subconscious places me in circumstances that result in my being totally frustrated, confused and in some way out of control.
For example, I have dreamed that I was driving but the steering wheel wasn't working properly, causing me to swerve and barely keep the vehicle on the road. I have dreamed that I was looking for something, but just couldn’t find it (leaving with experience of searching and searching). I have dreamed that I was making a presentation and couldn’t get the computer to work, resulting in me being tangled in wires and cords…..and I could go on.
Each dream, while placing me in different scenarios, contained circumstances by which I was desperately trying to do or perform some task, yet finding myself discombobulated, angry and exasperated. If I offer an honest assessment of my life (which I truly believe in) I would say this “feeling” of struggle, anxiety and of 'being out of control” is not only a recurring experience in my dreams, but in my life.
Although I hold myself to a high standard, I can give myself a break by saying that I’ve done well in life (considering the limited resources I’ve had available to me). However, it’s never felt like it’s ever enough…I’ve even been guilty of saying that I don’t seem to have the time, energy and resources to accomplish all that I’d need to. And that brings me to my own version of “Blue Christmas” this season and the lesson of surrender I began in the last post (if you haven’t read the post “Unexpected Christmas Lesson” give it a look).
The particular circumstance offering me anxiety this Christmas is my oldest son, Trey. In my opinion, there is nothing that can make one feel more helpless and out control quite like the experience of parenting. I think this is especially true when parenting an adolescent. Granted, it can be a confusing time for them…they have bodies of adults and the brains of children. Nevertheless, for me, it feels much like my reoccurring dream where I wrestle with some seemingly simple task (such as driving or operating a computer mouse), yet with very little success.
Trey is headstrong, stubborn, and impulsive but with very little critical thinking skills. If you add that with the typical self-centered attitude of most teenagers, it’s enough to make you scream! While I struggle to find a way to guide him through this tumultuous time (not to mention dangerous...have you seen the news?), I am not without lots of “helpful” voices.
- My mother, who believes brute force is the answer to all of the world’s problems, thinks I should beat him.
- His mother (my former spouse) thinks he should just come back to live with her (although there are so many ways that could end in disaster that I don’t have time to type them all here).
- My brother, who has no children and knows not the perils of child discipline, thinks I should just put my foot down and “make” him to do this or that (which is always easier said than done).
- Other avenues of thought suggest I should send him to counseling (which is also a favorite of my brother who is a licensed therapist).
- While others say I should just love him through this, giving him space to figure it out on his own.
Maybe a mixture of all of the above is the magic key, but that’s just it. Is there a magic formula? I have ALWAYS wanted to be a parent, however I’m second guessing that decision more than ever these days because it is proving to be one more opportunity for me to feel like the world is swirling around me (much like the tornado in The Wizard of Oz)....one more example of my seeming inability to live life successfully.
What am I going to do about Trey? I don’t know, but there is one thing I have decided. I have decided to give up (as much as I possibly can). That doesn’t mean that I don’t love him, or care about him or am even hurt when he makes some really poor decisions. It means that I am at my rope’s end, which is, believe it or not, exactly where I believe God wants us. My reoccurring dream of feeling out of control, I believe, is nothing more than a constant reminder to me of the power of surrender.
See, surrender requires trust. It is a true test and testament of our faith. I’ll talk more about that test in my next post (I’ve already made this post too long) but until the next post, please know....
This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. If you’re at your rope’s end, with your back against the wall…GOOD! That is where God is most glorified because you don’t know God is all you need until God is all you’ve got. Just hang in there because there are #bigthingscoming.
NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.
(Copyright, 2015, Ray Jordan)
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