Post #52- Dating While Gay

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“Same Sex, Same Problems.”

~Crew from the Tom Joyner Morning Show

Ok, can we be honest? Gay couples have the same issues that heterosexual couples have….intimacy, trust, communication, in-laws, finances, infidelity, and even baby-mama drama for those of us who came late to the Pride Parade.  However, in addition to the same ol’ relationship crap that everyone else has to put up with, we also have our own unique set of issues that seem to plague our relationships and threaten our partnership bliss.

Before I dive into my diagnosis of gay relationship dysfunction, I have to make a disclaimer. Although my experiences are varied, meaning I have both been in a heterosexual marriage and am now dating (or attempting to date) men, I will admit that I have never been a lesbian and therefore can’t speak specifically to that dynamic. And though I think some of what I have to contribute can be applied to all types of romantic relationships, I want to be clear that I am speaking from the perspective of a gay man. With that being said, “what the fuck is wrong with us??”

To ask that question, I must clearly assume that something is indeed wrong with “us.”  So yes, this is my assumption. This past weekend marked Dallas’ annual Black Gay Pride weekend (for the benefit of my straight readers, yes, there is a “Black” Gay Pride and a “regular” Gay Pride in Dallas, as there are in most cities….don’t even ask, just another long story about the lingering affects of racism and division among we Americans, gay or straight). 

In the past I have not ordinarily participated in many Gay Pride events, Black or otherwise, mostly because I’ve been home with my young children. However, my kiddos aren’t so young anymore (they’re 14, 13, and 9 years old), so Friday night I partook in a very nice event that was attended by (according to my estimate) well over 100 black gay men.

Represented were men of varying ages, though most were under 40. Just looking around the room at the aesthetics, one might think they were viewing a critical mass of young, professional, BEAUTIFUL black men who were ready to take the world by storm. Upon closer examination, however, using a spiritual eye and a listening ear, it was clear that I was standing among a group of men who were in many ways hurting, insecure and wounded (not necessarily excluding myself).

It is a historical fact that society has railed more violently against the notion of male homosexuality. From research I did while in graduate school, I discovered that the vitriol against gay men is most likely to be directed toward the more “feminine” or “passive” or “receptive” male partner, and thereby has its roots in misogyny.

For example, throughout history lesbians have received little to no societal demonization but rather, in many ways have sexually intrigued the male power structure (this is by no means to say that gay women have not suffered a great deal of rejection and pain at the hands of their families, churches, communities, etc.; nor do I intend to minimize that pain in any way).  Likewise, the more “dominant” male, historically speaking, has received considerably less societal condemnation than the more effeminate gay male has. So, in other words, male patriarchy has asked, “How could a man give up his manhood by being penetrated by another man? To do so is to be as a woman….and we all know there’s nothing worse than being a woman.”

So, here we are in 2013, and as in any other struggle for personal and collective liberation, we must face the demons of the past in order to move beyond them. Therefore, the stigma of “gayness,” I would say, represents a huge obstacle to gay male relationships.

Granted, I have often said that I am an MSM (Man who Sleeps with Men), yet I am not necessarily gay. To me, the distinction is similar to being an African American versus being Black. To be African American speaks to one’s ethnic/racial heritage; being Black is a cultural-social-political designation (Clarence Thomas is an African American but he sho’ ain’t Black). Similarly, I am SGL, or Same-Gender-Loving. I am an MSM. I am, to be more clinical, a homosexual (or possibly bisexual, but there’s no need to go into that). However, due to my experiences as a father and former experiences as a husband, I don’t always share in the cultural aspects of being gay that most gay men in my peer group do. However, though it has been a process, I am very proud of who I am without judging who someone else may be.

Actually, the core issue is authenticity, which is a fundamental issue in all relationships, gay or straight. Being inauthentic, in the case of gay male relationships, simply takes on the form of stigma and prejudice against effeminacy, but it’s plain old inauthenticity nonetheless. What am I saying? If we could simply learn to 1) LOVE ourselves, 2) BE ourselves, and 3) ALLOW OTHERS to be themselves, our lives as gay men (or people in general) could be so much easier. 

As I stood in that crowd Friday evening, I saw more ego and posturing than I could almost stomach. This spiritual principle remains; hurting people hurt people. So, in most things I’ve learned not to take it personally. However, I couldn’t help but become troubled in my spirit as I stood and watched and listened. As I did, what did I see and hear????

• People gossiping and tearing down others because of how they looked, or how they were dressed, or because of their age, or because they didn’t somehow “meet the profile.”
• Men trying their damndest to present themselves as “masculine” and macho.
• Old fashioned rudeness (what the gay community might call “shade”) and people just looking for someone with whom to start an argument.

What didn’t I see? I didn’t see a lot of people who were comfortable in their own skin, completely loving and accepting who they were, and thereby offering that sense of wholeness to the world. Unfortunately in all romantic relationships, and gay ones are of no exception, we have fallen for the relationship myth that says we can find someone to “complete us.” In reality, if we’re not already complete when we meet Mr. or Ms. Right, we won’t be ready for a “grown-up relationship” and the likelihood of a real “spiritual partnership” will be diminished. In other words, if we’re not already whole, it won’t last.

So many gay men, particularly black gay men, seem to be afraid that someone will think they’re actually gay. However, if you have sex with another man, you are gay and no one of you is any gay-er than the other. Whether you’re a top or bottom, you’re still gay Boo-Boo. Whether you wear fitted jeans or baggy clothes, you’re still gay. Whether you wear ball caps or your face is beat with a full face of makeup, you’re gay. Whether you’re a football fanatic or your favorite sport is shopping….yep, still gay!

So, can we please get over ourselves! If you have a nice ass and someone compliments you on that fact, just say thank you…no need to explain to them that it’s “exit only.” These kinds of comments make you look desperate and insecure. For sexual position and sexuality is much like money. People with REAL money, don’t talk about it, they be about it. If you’re a top, no need to keep making public proclamations, just do your thing. Besides, as someone who is versatile, I have been with “tops” who enjoy their legs put in their air too….and there’s not a damn thing wrong with that! Also, I’ve been with “bottoms” who have an aggressive, take-charge, masculine side that I can dig as well. So, can we just move beyond the shame and the stigma and get on with loving and being loved?!!

In conclusion, if I could say one thing to gay men and black gay men particularly…..I would say to “STOP.” Just stop for a moment and get clear about who and what you are. Get clear about what and who you want and most importantly, get clear about why you want it.

Furthermore, it’s ok to be who you are. If you are stereotypically “effeminate” in some ways and traditionally “masculine” in others, it’s ok!  If you like some things sexually, there’s no shame in that! Being “gay” does not make you weak, nor does being a “bottom” make you less than. Please give up your archaic ideas surrounding relationships, gender and gender roles. Besides, why would we want to adopt the broken model of heterosexual relationships??? We see how successful they are, so why would we want to duplicate that mess?! For……

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. When you are ok with whom you are, you lack judgment for who someone else is.  Don’t fight what is, but relish in the beauty of your own authenticity…gayness and all. For when you embrace yourself, you embrace all of the  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)