Post #53- Relationship Wrap Up: It all Begins with Me

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I’ve really enjoyed the last couple of weeks as we’ve investigated the messy, difficult and sometimes heartbreaking experience of relationships (be sure to check the last few posts if you’ve missed one). Whether we are women or men, gay or straight, finding an appropriate life partner isn’t an easy undertaking. Throughout these posts, I’ve suggested that we seek out spiritual partnerships or what I like to call “grown-up” relationships, rather than relationships of the ordinary kind. In other words, I’d like someone who is open and honest, communicative and vulnerable, and is committed, above all else, to the process of my spiritual growth as I would be to theirs. I want someone who has the ability to look beyond the external me and fall in love with my soul, not just my body or personality.

As I wrap up this topic (though I’m sure we’ll revisit it at some point), there are a few nuggets of wisdom I’d like to affirm to myself and share with you. This list could go on and on and on, but in this limited space I’d like to offer just a few things that have most recently become very clear to me (let me know if you agree or not):

1. Don’t be Desperate. No one likes to think of themselves as “thirsty,” but the fact of the matter is, so many of us are too willing to give too much of ourselves too soon. People have to earn the right to both receive the “awesomeness” that is you as well to be invited into the most vulnerable parts of your soul. Personally, I’ve always thought of myself as a go-getter….I know how to hustle and give 110% to any endeavor in which I’m involved. However, I’ve recently had to remind myself that my willingness to “go after what I want” is nothing more than veiled desperation.  The fact remains, no matter what you give or offer, you can’t make someone do anything, especially want to be with you.
2. Let People “Be.” No doubt, we all know, at least intellectually, that we can’t change someone, but our hearts haven’t quite been convinced. Nevertheless, the only one we are responsible for changing is ourselves. But, if we were real honest, how much of our behavior in a relationship is actually manipulative, attempting to change the attitudes or behavior of our partners? This just doesn’t work. Instead of trying to find a perfect partner, we must learn to love our imperfect partners perfectly. And, if there are flaws that are deal-breakers….we must have the courage to love ourselves more and simply move on.
3. We Can’t Love Someone More than They Love Themselves.  So many of us are guilty of this. We can see the potential in our loved ones. We know what and who they could be if only they would only do “this” or stop doing “that.” Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. We can’t love someone more than they love themselves. Again, we aren’t responsible for changing anyone (no matter what the movies say). Our “love” isn’t enough….but as Whitney told us, the love we have for ourselves is “The Greatest Love of All.” So, we gotta stop stressing ourselves out, and learn how to Let Go, and Let God (see Posts #41-45).
4.  Finally and likewise, we must learn to love ourselves. I’ve said it before but it bears repeating, we must be happy and whole and complete, ALL BY OURSELF, before we enter into a spiritual partnership. That’s why it’s a good idea to have some time between relationships. If we aren’t whole within ourselves, we will unconsciously pass the responsibility of making us happy onto someone else. As one of my friends taught me (in quoting his grandmother), “you’re responsibility for your own good time!” Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. It sounds so simple but it’s so true. This is one of the fundamental reasons my last long-term relationship didn’t work…I made him responsible for my happiness, when the truth is, my happiness can only come from within me.

Your responses to these posts have been overwhelming and more than for anything else I’ve written so far but I don’t attribute that to my writing but rather to the collective pain we’re all experiencing surrounding relationships. I don’t believe there’s anything more comforting than having someone to unconditionally love us and walk with us along this journey. This kind of relationship or partnership goes beyond sexual attraction or sharing expenses, but is spiritual in nature. However, with all things spiritual and thereby all things in life, it doesn’t begin with finding someone who meets all of our physical, sexual, financial criteria, but rather it begins within. Our sense of completeness and wholeness will attract someone who has the same. Similarly, our sense of neediness and reckless abandonment will attract that kind of person as well.

In conclusion, please remember that even within a spiritual partnership, things won’t always be ‘peaches and crème’ but rather a spiritual partnership is meant to be a catalyst for growth and will certainly result in some emotional discomfort. But if your partner is the right one, and if you are vulnerable and honest about your insecurities, the discomfort will grow you closer to God and to each other. For….

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Love you first and the right man or woman will come along in time.  For loving for oneself is part of all of the  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2013, Ray Jordan)