Post #51- Physician, Heal Thyself

“Y'all, I done went to the India Arie concert and messed around and got delivered of some sh*t”

~My Facebook post after last night’s India Arie concert

To be honest, I don’t even know where to start. My goal today was to have some fun addressing some of the issues between men and women in relationships, but after last night’s India Arie concert, I feel the need to talk about the process of healing. In fact, when I think about relationships between men and women (but it’s applicable across the board), there seems to be a need for us to heal.

I have the unique experience (though not too unique these days) of having been married to a woman for almost 7 years, but am now the “gay” who offers a listening ear for the relationship woes of my female friends. I am very comfortable in my maleness yet I have been blessed with (yes, I consider being gay/bisexual a blessing) an additional sensitivity that allows me to relate to the plight of women. With that being said, I believe both men and women, especially those that are of a particular age who have had at least one serious relationship, carry around emotional luggage from their past. I once heard someone describe marriage as “the collision of two people’s past.” In many ways this is true. Who we once were has the stinging ability to prevent us from becoming who we are meant to be. We carry around the hurts and mistrust of the past (childhood events, former relationships, past betrayals and heartbreaks) and we, often unconsciously, allow them to taint our perception of the present.

I have seen this (a person’s past) sabotage relationships, friendships and even family bonds innumerable times. It always saddens me because we don’t usually recognize that our current actions are being dictated by past event. We don’t realize that the ego is a powerful entity, whose job it is to protect, therefore, it produces a variety of survival techniques and defense mechanisms aimed at doing just that. However, we MUST reassure ourselves that we live in a world and paradigm of abundance, not scarcity; therefore, our defense mechanisms are not needed.

For example, women often:

• Manipulate men using sex, “nagging,” crying or other forms of emotionality, children, etc. to get what they want.
• Shut down/reject a man before even getting to know him, because he has somehow triggered a memory of past hurt (because all men are just alike, right?)
• Display behavior that is difficult, mean, harsh, negative or critical because they will NEVER let a man hurt them again…forgetting men are attracted to vulnerability and tenderness (which DOES NOT equal weakness)……and the list could go on and on.

On the other hand, men are the most sensitive and insecure creatures on the planet. The problem is, they’ll go to great lengths, doing nearly anything necessary, to keep women from knowing it. So, their defense mechanisms include:

• Shutting down when they experience difficult emotions, refusing to or becoming unable to communicate their own sense of vulnerability.
• Displaying acts of anger, violence or sexual inappropriateness when experiencing feelings of rejection, frustration, and failure…which are all forms of fear.
• Building emotional walls of steel to keep their women at a distance, disallowing them to become too close, because if the woman becomes too close and they fall for her, she’ll now have the ability to hurt them (most likely because someone else has done the same, i.e. past relationships, mother, father, childhood abuser, etc.). And again, the list could go on and on…..

So, if these are the symptoms, what is the remedy? We all know there is a need for genuine communication, trust, and patience with our partners. However, while those are indeed essential, I don’t think any of them do us any good without some spiritual self-care. We MUST be awakened to our own inner lives. We MUST be in touch with our emotions and how the events, decisions, and people of the past have come to shape who we are today (in fact I may blog about this in coming weeks), and we must know that anything manifesting externally is but an expression of what’s going on internally.

There are many techniques and methods to get in touch with our real internal selves, some of which I have talked about in this space. However, may I suggest that whatever method we choose (prayer, meditation, study, etc.), that it begin with forgiveness.

We hear a lot about forgiveness, especially in regards to our relationships, however most of that conversation centers around forgiving the transgressions of the other, and not nearly enough instruct us on how to forgive ourselves. I dare to suggest that most of our inability to move beyond our defense mechanisms, i.e. break free from the past, is our inability to forgive ourselves. Internally, deep within our consciousness, we tell ourselves that if we ALLOWED ourselves to be hurt once, then we/our hearts can’t be trusted to open and love again. Therefore, the ego locks and loads, arming itself with the necessary weapons to “protect” itself from future harm. In the end, if you want to get heal from past; if you want to do the necessary spiritual work that will open you to a real spiritual partnership, then start here. Forgive yourself, for……

This is not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you; they are ahead of you. Don’t allow your yesterday to dictate your today and tomorrow. You can heal yourself by forgiving yourself, and in doing so, you’ll receive all of the #bigthingscoming.