A Little Soul Searching

 

February 7 would have been my grandmother's 91^st birthday. She left us in 2013, but actually her brain aneurysm took her away from us in 2005 (leaving her in a coma for a year and bedridden for the next 7.5 years). Losing the most consequential person in your life in your 20s takes a toll. There is so much I want to ask her. There have been so many instances when her wisdom was needed in my life. She was not perfect, but she was mine and reflection upon her role in my life has led me to do some self-reflection as well. I begin with my childhood.

I have often described my childhood in sentimental ways. Don’t get me wrong, everything I’ve recounted, either publicly or privately, is true. I did grow up on a farm, surrounded by small town values like hard work and integrity, and nurtured by the affirming support of “church ladies” who saw God’s hand on me at an early age. I still reminisce about the days of my sitting on a church pew next to my grandmother, soaking up every song, prayer, and sermon…not to mention my grandmother’s adoring love. All of this is true. However, it is only a part of my truth.

The other part of my truth is not so pretty. I have only come to accept this conclusion recently (most specifically during the pandemic lockdown as I had ample time to reflect and think). The ugly truth of my life is that my childhood was filled with compounding traumas. Recently I have accepted the reality that these traumas still live to haunt me. I consider myself very self-aware, so I am embarrassed to admit that I had compartmentalized this trauma, incorrectly divorcing it from the way I experience life today.

I may offer the dirty details of these traumas in later posts, but at this time I’d like to describe how that trauma made me feel as a child and how it continues to show up in my life as an adult. Simply said, I spent many years of my life wishing I was someone else, thinking a huge mistake had occurred. I spent too much time asking the Divine if these people were my real family and cursing my inability to “fit in.” Many of the people who raised me (my parents, uncles and aunts) didn’t quite know what to make of me. I was an intellect. I was deeply spiritual. I was beyond my years in wisdom. In many ways I was a prodigy, but they didn’t or couldn’t see it. Rather, I was treated more as a pariah, a nuisance, a weirdo, an outsider.

I was a black kid in a racist white world, a gay kid with no one to affirm me or help me navigate the homophobia of my life, a poor kid who never dressed in the latest fashions or boasted the latest technology, and most importantly, I was an orphan. I was essentially abandoned by two drug addicted parents, one whose residence was an Oklahoma prison and another whose erratic violent behavior often caused emotional spirals that left our whole family in deep grief and anger.

These traumas (racism, poverty, homophobia, and family dysfunction) left me in deep pain that is still hard to discuss. Today, because of these compounding traumas, I still suffer from a fear of rejection, separation anxiety, and a real impediment to building friendships and community (all of which I am proud to say I have made great strides in overcoming). My self-awareness easily becomes self-consciousness and my status as an outsider can show up in ways that cloud my judgement.

If you’re reading this, you may feel a sense of empathy. You may identify with these experiences because they mirror your own. Or you may, indeed, think I am batshit crazy! In any case, I hope my disclosure leads you to do a little healing work in your own life because if I have learned anything in recent months, it is that life is short. Life is unpredictable. Life is imperfect. However, life is worth living, especially if we are willing to do the necessary “soul work” to heal. Yes, I am healing. Yes, I am getting stronger. Yes, I am imperfect, but yes, I am learning to lean into my power.

Maybe you can identify with compounding trauma. Maybe you have some work to do for growth and healing. If so, I am rooting for you and praying for you and I am confident that you will rise, like a phoenix from the ashes, into your purpose. In fact, let’s do this together. Let’s hold each other accountable. Let’s be better and better and better. Because the best is not behind us, it's ahead of us...and ther are #bigthingscoming.

My Experience with COVID-19

Thank you for visiting my blog. Whether this is the first time you’ve landed here, or you have followed my thoughts for years, welcome to the site! Of course, you’re invited to spend some time looking through old posts and letting me know what you think.

I decided to dust off my blog to share my experiences with COVID-19. There is no need for me to wax eloquent about the sacrifices I’ve made or how my life has been disrupted by this pandemic because….well, we’ve all been impacted and we’re all ready to get back to some sense of normalcy. However, I will begin by sharing my deep gratitude for a full recovery (over 260,000 people and families cannot say the same).

I’ve been asked if I know how I contracted the virus. Yes, I do. It was not from strangers nor was it in a public space, rather I contracted the virus at a family gathering (it’s so easy to let our guard down around family). The cruel irony is, I contracted the virus at the funeral of a loved one who actually died due to complications of COVID-19. While eating and visiting with family, I believe I came into contact with the virus (as did at least 5 others who also tested positive after attending the funeral).

Here is my timeline:

• Saturday- Came into contact with the virus
• Tuesday- Began exhibiting signs of a cold.
• Wednesday- Continued with cold symptoms with the addition of chills and fatigue
• Thursday- I woke up feeling like I had the flu, complete with a low grade fever, chills, body aches, fatigue, headaches and overall feeling like I had been run over by a large truck.
• Saturday- The fever broke yet my fatigue was crippling and I began having nausea and diarrhea.

 These symptoms continued in some way for almost 3 weeks. Interestingly enough, I felt like the virus was located in my head. There were places on my forehead and scalp that were tender to the touch and when I massaged my head and scalp it felt as if more sickness lowered into my body making me nauseous and unable to function.

I nursed my symptoms with my preferred cold and flu medicine as well as Mucinex and plenty of fluids. The feeling of fatigue, nausea, dizziness, headaches and body aches continued and came in waves. Though I would sleep for hours, I would still wake completely exhausted and miserably sick to the point I LONGED to just feel like myself again.

Thankfully, I experienced very little shortness of breath or difficulty breathing (my doctor instructed that I should go to the ER if this were to occur) but the illness was crippling.

There are many (thousands) who are “long-haulers.” Meaning, they continue to have symptoms, some times debilitatingly so, for months after the initial diagnosis. Admittedly, I was worried about any long-term effects. Granted, I am not as strong as I was pre-COVID (as someone who worked out 5 days a week, I have yet to get back to this schedule) however, it appears that the only enduring effects have been on my mental health. I came face-to-face with my own mortality and I am committed to living life more authentically and purpose-driven.  

 

If you have COVID-19 or if you contract it, the best advice I can give is to be patient with yourself and your recovery. It doesn’t move fast; it has its own timetable and agenda. I now TOTALLY understand why those with preexisting health challenges might be hospitalized or experience fatally dangerous symptoms. The virus is strong, angry and it hits with a vengeance. Be safe and let’s take care of each other!

 

“The Sin of Sodom and Gomorrah”

Sermon delivered by Rev. Ray Jordan at Central Congregational United Church of Christ

on July 28, 2019

Last week we discussed the difference between Religion and God. Indeed, there’s a difference between church and spirituality. There’s a huge difference between Law and Love and perhaps there is no greater example of this principle than the folklore and myth surrounding the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah and the spiritual abuse committed to persons in the LGBT community.

-Today, Tanis read a portion of Genesis chapter 18 but the true misunderstanding centers in the next chapter, Chpt. 19. In Chpt 18 we see God indicting the people of Sodom and Gomorrah but in the next chapter we see why.

-There we see two angels disguised as foreigners, immigrants to the city, and in response a hostile xenophobic mob gathers, demanding they be turned over that so they may “Yada” them.

-Yada is Hebrew word used 983 times and most often—98.9% of the time— it is translated as “know”. To know them…however when we see Yada presented in Genesis chapter 19, depending on the biblical version, we see it interpreted as to have relations or to have intimacies or yes, some have translated Genesis 19 to say, have sex.

-The scripture goes on to say that Lot, to satisfy the murderous and violent thirst of the mob, offers instead his virgin daughters to the crowd (This is Father of the Year material, right?)

-So, let’s get one thing clear. What we see in the text is not “same-gender loving” relationships, but rather what commonly occurred in the ancient world. What we see here is mob violence that included rape.

-Unfortunately, it was not uncommon to see warring armies throughout the ancient world come into enemy territory, burn the city, kill the children and livestock and yes, as despicable as it is, as a form of intimidation and dehumanization, as a form of violence and war they would also rape the women AND men. Church, this is the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah. This is the behavior that rose to the heavens as an indictment before God.

-And if we just take a closer look, the biblical witness makes this clear for us.

·       Ezekiel 16:49- “This was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride [someone say pride], excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy”

·       From The Message Translation, it says this: “The sin of your sister Sodom was this: She lived with her daughters in the lap of luxury—proud, gluttonous, and lazy. They ignored the oppressed and the poor. They put on airs and lived obscene lives.”

Church, the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah had nothing to do with same-gender relationships. The sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was arrogance. The sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was greed. The sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was indifference to the least of these. It was the sin of radical inhospitality and for this their cities were destroyed.

-And quite frankly this really scares me. It would be much easier to blame and scapegoat a small minority of society. But this really worries me because when I see children in cages, it appears we are closer to Sodom and Gomorrah than many realize.

-The core of the matter is this, how do we treat our neighbor. So simple, yet why can’t we get it right?

-I believe our nation is desperately in need of a “Namaste” moment. Loosely translated from the Hindu faith and practice of Yoga, Namaste is simply but powerfully… “The light of God in me, sees the light of God in you.”

·       Regardless of your race or color, I see God in you.

·       Regardless of whatever name you call God or whether you call God at all, I see the light of the Divine in you.

·       Makes no difference how much money you have.

·       Irrespective of who you love or what your gender or sexual identity might be…I see the light of God in you.

·       You might speak a different language, live in a different part of the world, celebrate different holidays, look different than me, smell different than me, makes no difference because I am you and you are me. Your child is my child and my child is yours; we are all children of God and the light of God in me sees the light of God in you.

-What if we saw the light of God in our homeless neighbors? What if we saw the light of God in our immigrant neighbors? What if we saw the light of God in our Muslim neighbors? What if we say the light of God in our black neighbors? What if we saw the light of God in our transgender neighbors….Instead of being like Sodom and Gomorrah and screwing them all over.

-What if we saw the light of God in that neighbor that annoys us to no end? You know, the one we hate to see coming (we all have them)? What if we saw the light of God in them? What if we saw the light of God in that family member we simply can’t forgive or that person who hurt us? Yes, the light of God is in them too.

-I got another one for you… What if, just what if, we saw the light of God in our neighbors who vote differently than we do?

-The light of God in me, sees the light of God in you! [Singing the hymn: I want to walk as a child of the light. I want to follow Jesus. In Him there is no darkness at all. The night and the day are both alike The Lamb is the light of the city of God Shine in my heart, Lord Jesus]  Amen.

Self-Discovery

“Your 20s are about finding yourself. Your 30s are about proving yourself, but your 40s are about wanting to be left alone and not caring about what other people say.” ~ My Therapist

Recently I spoke publicly about seeing a therapist (I wanted to do my part in combating any stigma about seeking counseling). Granted, it was at the suggestion of a good friend who knew I was going through a lot of transition in several areas of life. So, he suggested I go get a “tune up.” The above quote came from my conversation with said counselor and while it’s a generalization it did resonate with me but with some exception.

I have spent a large (too large) portion of my life in angst around the thoughts and expectations of others. As a typical oldest child overachiever, my “role” in the family was to balance the system by being a do-gooder. Somehow in my young mind, if I performed well or behaved perfectly, I could fix the dysfunction of my family. While as an adult I can intellectually understand this is not true I have to admit that old habits die hard. So, as I enter a new decade I have a newfound commitment to being authentic, following the desire of my own heart and living my best life.

One of the most surprising parts of this new decade and my new commitment is self-discovery. Yes, our 20s may be about finding ourselves, but for me (and I can imagine for many of you) that self-discovery doesn’t end there. I have been stunned by simple things I have come to know about myself recently. I have said multiple time, “I can’t believe I didn’t know that about myself” or “Duh! Of course that’s what I like/want!”

There is a strong impulse within American society to conform, be uniform and shut up and go along to get along. A lot of this is connected to our unhealthy obsession with capitalism and materialism and the need of the capitalist machine to line us up like mindless sheep led to the slaughter in order to fuel the retail economy. However, I have come to believe that the risk of being authentic is worth any possible consequences.

This blog, however, isn’t just about me. I wonder which ways you have quenched the spirit of your soul in order to conform. What ways have you listened to the voices of the peanut gallery instead of following your own passion and heart’s desire? Personally, I have oft wondered what I would be or what my life would be if I had had the appropriate love and support to free me to be me. Nevertheless, the woudla-coulda-shouldas help no one. All any of us have is the now. So, my commitment is to really learn myself while also freeing myself to fully embrace the person I find.

My grandmother was fond of making the distinction between living and merely existing. Friends, unequivocally I want to LIVE!! Live my best life and as far I know my only one. Don’t you? Yet, to do so I think we must fully face the obstacles that prevent us from following this path. Underneath it all I wonder what mental, emotional and/or spiritual impulses prevent us from being our truest self. What are we so afraid of? Is it that we’re afraid of where our deepest passions might lead us? What they could lead us to do and risks they might lead us to take?

This I know for sure. There is something on the other side of where we are. Listen to me and listen to me closely. This is only for those whose restless heart KNOWS there must be more. You are right; there is more. More love, more joy, more peace, more excitement, more gratitude, more satisfaction, more justice, more fulfillment, more YOU.

Don’t be afraid of you. Allow your heart to soar. Find your muse and follow it. I certainly am. There is an expression of God that can only be manifested through our individual lives and personalities. So, get about expressing God through your divine self! And remember that the best is not behind us, it's ahead of us and there are #bigthingscoming.

Birthday Revelation

Wow! Today I stand at the intersection of many shifting realities. In other words, my whole life seems to be in an uproar and upheaval and yet again I find myself looking for answers.

Before anyone feels the need to call me to offer help, let me say that I am fine (did you hear that mother, I’m ok!). In fact, I’ve become so accustomed to just putting my head down, working hard and pushing through any seeming adversity that it didn’t quite dawn on me how much my life was in transition until a good friend, after hearing all the balls I have in the air, suggested that I might benefit in seeing a therapist to help talk me through some of it. And here lies the story of my life.

My job is ending, my relationship is ending, my sons are not in a place that feels comfortable for me, I have a ton of other obligations making demands upon my time and resources and I literally don’t know which city I’ll be living in three months from now. Yet, it never occurred to me that this was enough to require special attention. Nope! That’s not how I’ve allowed myself to function….ever. I was taught to work hard, not complain, and push through any adversity that might be present. However, I’m not ashamed to say that this path is no longer working for me.

Next week I will be 40 years old. Geez, it’s still hard to say out loud or even put in writing. This isn’t because I am ageist or afraid of getting older, per se. Granted, I have mixed feelings about getting older. In one breath I am amazed at my journey and how far God has carried me. I feel as if I have earned every year and I’m so proud of the wisdom I’ve gained along the way. Still, on the other hand, I feel 28 at the most. Also, NOTHING in my life has gone according to plan, so 40 feels like a letdown. So, here we are again; this is the story of my life.

Prior to seeing a counselor at my friend’s request, I had already begun doing a lot of thinking and reflecting (a milestone birthday is good for that). During these times of reflection it became apparent to me that my life force seemed blocked. After speaking with the counselor, she suggested that I was “out of balance”. For me, the terminology isn’t important. What’s important is the fact that I can hear the reality of my experience screaming at me and it’s saying that something must change. So, I began seeking the “what” and the “how”.

I have long believed that our lives are our best teachers. If we simply pay attention and ask questions of God/The Universe, we will find the answers we seek. Therefore, when surveying my life I began looking for common threads and similar or connecting experiences. What I reluctantly realized is that I have not loved myself enough. Even typing those words, I find myself flinching. Not because the statement isn’t true but because I don’t want it to be.

How can I not love me? Theoretically, I love the hell out of myself (sometimes, literally). However, actions can speak louder than words, and if I look to the dark corners of my life, I can see that I have consistently put the needs and wants of others before my own. This is the uniting thread; this is the common denominator among all parts of my life.

I’ve been told that confession is good for the soul, so here it goes. I am fixer. Some might call it a “messiah” or “savior” complex. I don’t say that proudly nor do I choose that consciously. If I were honest (and when I started this blog, I promised to always be), there are deep parts of my self-worth that are damaged and deep, DEEP within myself I hold some beliefs that have not served me well. 

Defeating Belief #1: Somewhere within myself I believe that I must earn the love and acceptance of others. Furthermore, there have been times in my life that I have believed that this love and acceptance must be earned at all costs. So, when someone offers that kind of love unconditionally, it scares the shit out of me because…well, I don’t think that I deserve it. Ouch!! (I can’t believe I’m saying this publicly).

Defeating Belief #2: Also, somewhere deep within, I believe that I can’t have good things in my life unless I have appropriately suffered for them. Therefore, I’ve had a difficult time receiving God’s abundance and bounty if I haven’t suffered dearly to have it (i.e. I don’t feel worthy of them).

Defeating Belief #3: Because I somehow believe I have to earn love and suffer for blessings; I have a magnetic ability to attract hurting and broken people in need of fixing. Ray the fixer, the savior, the hero…because what other value do I offer another person if not as the solution to their dilemmas?


Now, why do I write these horribly personal things about myself. Well, first of all, writing is cathartic. Secondly, I do honestly want to be of service to my community and I want to contribute something helpful to the world. I always have and I always will. Also, to put them in writing and to share them publicly helps me be clear about what pain I hold within and thereby helps to hold myself accountable to the healing process.

One of the blessings of my life is that I have the ability to change swiftly. Once I become aware and informed, it doesn’t take me long to put new practices into place. So, once I got clear on what was happening to me and within me, I began to immediately put some changes in place. What do these changes look like? For example:

• I am intentionally and consciously putting me first. What I need and what I want takes priority over the needs and wants of others. That may seem simplistic, but you might be surprised how many times I (and possibly you) betray myself daily to meet some external standard, false obligation or unrealistic expectation. I come first. To survive and thrive, I must! What I need matters and what I want is important. And if it isn’t hurting myself or someone else, then why can’t I have it? Why have I felt guilty or ashamed when I choose me? No more!

• I am intentionally and consciously speaking (and living) my truth. I can’t tell you how many times I have silenced myself, making myself unhappy in order to make someone else comfortable. Quite frankly, I have vowed to stop caring so damn much about what others think. No more!

• And this is the really big one. I am no longer willing to dim my light or make myself small in order to fit into a box someone else has created for me. I have vowed to not only love myself but believe in myself. No matter what others see in us, if we are not willing to affirm those gifts in ourselves, then our work is in vain. Each of us is God’s handiwork. Each of us is beautifully, fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the Divine. Sooooo, let’s start acting like it.

Lastly, I am well aware that the defeating beliefs listed are connected to childhood trauma. There’s no real need to go into all of that here (if you’re interested, you can find mention of some this in other blogposts). Also, as I unpack my milestone birthday I’ll likely be writing about the specific areas of transition in my life (church, relationship, family). So, look back for insight about those.

I began by saying that I felt my life force had been blocked. Meaning, I’ve been blocking my blessings without recognizing it. As I turn the big 4-0, I am determined to clear out any metaphysical clutter that I might truly live my best life. I hope you’ll join me in decluttering any unnecessary baggage from your life as well because the best is not behind us, it's ahead of us. So, remember, there are #bigthingscoming.

Upon My 20th Wedding Anniversary

In my commute to work today’s date dawned on me. Today is my 20^th wedding anniversary. This seems remarkable, even to me, for a couple of reasons. First, I don’t feel old enough to have a 20^th wedding anniversary, especially since my “boyfriend” is 15 years my junior (I know, I know…but more about that in another post). Nevertheless, this realization is spiritually intriguing to me because, unaware of the date, I spoke with my former spouse first things this morning (which is unusual) and forgot to mention it. Also, today’s anniversary comes at a time I am doing some life examination, looking back over this journey and attempting to make sense of it all.

When I began this blog several years ago, I made a commitment to be honest. I didn’t want to be another talking head, filling the atmosphere with more blah, blah, blah. Rather, I wanted this to be a platform to not only share my experiences and life lessons but to do so in a way that might be helpful to others. I say this as a reminder to be transparent because just this morning I was regretting the decision to be married and have children (again not realizing this was my 20^th wedding anniversary). Before you mistakenly believe I don’t love my children or appreciate the love and commitment offered by my former spouse, allow me to explain.

I got married very young. I was the ripe old age of 19. Having a 19-year-old son today, the idea of him being married is preposterous, but at the time it made perfect sense to me. Again, allow me to explain. I got married at 19 for four primary reasons. 

• First, I got married because I was ready to be an adult. My childhood was tumultuous, with my mother and her addiction at the center of the storm. I so disliked the experience of being a child, I could not wait to be an adult. Thereby, I rushed into adulthood…happily and willingly.

• Secondly, I got married because I was a minister who was also beginning to understand himself as same-gender loving. When I got married I had absolutely no romantic or sexual experience with another male. Heck, I hadn’t even seen gay porn! However, I knew I had “tendencies” and “feelings” which scared me senseless. So, listening to the common wisdom (or lack thereof) of small rural Arkansas communities, I felt strongly that I needed a wife, aka “first lady” to both match the predominate image of a minister as well as divert any talk of my sexuality. Therefore, getting married seemed perfectly reasonable.

• Thirdly, I got married because I actually liked my former spouse. She was stunningly beautiful, we held similar values and we enjoyed a friendship that easily transitioned into a partnership. Having another human being with which to walk the journey of life was incredibly comforting (see aforementioned troubled childhood).

• Lastly, right about the time I was rethinking my engagement (announced after knowing my then-girlfriend for a little less than a year), she became pregnant. Our first child was on the way. I had always loved children and was good with them. Also, I had always seen myself as a dad and was ready to parent in ways I did not have as in my own childhood but longed for. So, married we got. I, 19 years old, and she, just short of her 23^rd birthday and 3 months pregnant.

I won’t go into all the details of our married life and the subsequent journey I have taken as a single dad, a newly openly gay young adult and the path back to ministry. God it’s a been a journey! But I will say that I have looked back over all the mistakes made, things I wished I had done differently and the tons of seemingly missed opportunities and have grieved for who I could have been and might have become. At the core of that grief is guilt. Guilt for  the pain I caused my ex-spouse (she still struggles with anger and resentment towards me) and the “nuclear” family I robbed from my children (once my daughter posted a picture of our nuclear family from years ago, with the caption "When things were perfect." My heart nearly broke in two). 

My grief is also exasperated by the palpable stress of parenting which has led to financial woes, not to mention the treacherous territory of dating (yet again, another topic for another post). Being a dad has been both a dream come true and a nightmare to endure. Granted, my daughter has been delightful, but my boys have been a real handful. They struggle academically, struggling with learning differences and mental health challenges (including ADHD and anxiety.. both of which my oldest is tempted to self-medicate). They inherited these struggles from their mother and as an academically gifted student, life-long learner and freaking college professor, I simply can't relate (although I try my best to have compassion, but possibly not enough at times...there's that guilt again). 

To top it off, their common struggles have created a stressed relationship with their mother (they are so much alike they can't get along), while shifting an increased set of emotional, mental and financial responsibilities to me. I love my children desperately, more than words can express, and I'm willing to go the extra mile to make sure they have the opportunity to live a long, happy and successful life. But as many other parents do, my hope and prayer is that I can offer them enough to accomplish that goal. 

Whew! To read this you must think I’m either a big whiny baby, a lost cause or both. I assure you that I am not a complainer and I choose to believe that I am not a lost cause. However, the 20^th anniversary of this journey has provided space and occasion for me to reflect and to think and most importantly, to pray.

I have found myself praying, "O God, why? O God, how? O God, where? O God, when? " Then I’m reminded of another point in life when I was newly separated from my then-wife and struggling in more ways than one, and someone placed a book in my hand. Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer changed my life. The message of the text was simple. If we get quiet and pay attention, our life will speak to us, giving us invaluable insight and direction. 

So, I return to this space. Yet again I’m praying, “God if you get anything from this old raggedy life of mine, then you are free to use it.” That’s my prayer today, but I have no proprietary right to it. I invite you to use it as well. While your circumstances may differ, if you share in the struggle, the pain and/or the guilt of my story, then I invite to pray this prayer along with me.

Remember, if we get quiet and listen we’ll see that this is not the end of our story. The best is not behind us, it is ahead of us. And as always, please remember there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2018, Ray Jordan)

I'm Baaaaack!

Well, it’s been a long time since I used this forum and format. It’s not because I haven’t had something to say. God knows, I was born with an opinion and usually always have something to say (and hopefully contribute to the conversation). However, for the past three years I became lost. I was so busy working that I lost myself in the hustle. 

Have you ever experienced this? Have you ever been so busy “making a living” that you forgot to actually live. To make matters worse, this is the antithesis of what I have believed, preached and taught all of my adult life. For example, I have often proclaimed that our God, the God of abundant life, does not call us to work harder, rather empowers us to work smarter. Likewise, I have long believed that God is our shepherd; therefore we do not have to want. Also, I have long taught that Spirit will make the crooked places straight and lead us to our place of purpose. While I believed it all, I somehow got lost in the shuffle of the American way and the capitalist stick and carrot. I lost sight of who I was and who and what I was called to be. I no longer had time for the things that makes me thrive and buzz with purpose and passion.

So, this blog post is somewhat of a return to one of my first loves: writing. This is an interesting discovery because I never thought of writing as a path for me, much less a gift. Thankfully, it was one of my professors during my PhD program who lifted the idea of writing as vocation for me, one of the gifts in my wheelhouse. While I had never considered it, when she brought it to my attention the suggestion immediately resonated with me. With this first blog post in some years and in the remembrance of that professor’s affirmation of my gifts (Barbara Mossberg), I’d like to simply offer these thoughts:

1.     Get back to you. If you find yourself lost in the busyness of life, in the pressures of “adulting” and/or the expectations of others, PAUSE. Take a moment to recall, to remember who you really are, to embrace again that which brings you the most joy, and that which feeds your soul…and then get back to it!

2.     Give thanks for those who affirm you, love you, acknowledge you, and confirm the God-gifts in you. Listen to them. Humbly accept their love and affirmation. In doing so, it makes it so much easier to be about God's plan for you (while shutting the haters up).

3.     Thirdly (and lastly for now), take some time to love you. Physically, emotionally and spiritually, can honestly say that you are living your best life? If not, don’t be overwhelmed by the idea of turning your entire life inside-out. Rather, take one step at time. In the words of Dr. King, “Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” One step at time and you can take back control of your life.

This is not the end of our story; the best is not behind us, it is ahead of us. I love you…for real! Thank you for reading and thank you for walking this journey with me! And as always, please remember there are  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2018, Ray Jordan)