Upon My 20th Wedding Anniversary

In my commute to work today’s date dawned on me. Today is my 20^th wedding anniversary. This seems remarkable, even to me, for a couple of reasons. First, I don’t feel old enough to have a 20^th wedding anniversary, especially since my “boyfriend” is 15 years my junior (I know, I know…but more about that in another post). Nevertheless, this realization is spiritually intriguing to me because, unaware of the date, I spoke with my former spouse first things this morning (which is unusual) and forgot to mention it. Also, today’s anniversary comes at a time I am doing some life examination, looking back over this journey and attempting to make sense of it all.

When I began this blog several years ago, I made a commitment to be honest. I didn’t want to be another talking head, filling the atmosphere with more blah, blah, blah. Rather, I wanted this to be a platform to not only share my experiences and life lessons but to do so in a way that might be helpful to others. I say this as a reminder to be transparent because just this morning I was regretting the decision to be married and have children (again not realizing this was my 20^th wedding anniversary). Before you mistakenly believe I don’t love my children or appreciate the love and commitment offered by my former spouse, allow me to explain.

I got married very young. I was the ripe old age of 19. Having a 19-year-old son today, the idea of him being married is preposterous, but at the time it made perfect sense to me. Again, allow me to explain. I got married at 19 for four primary reasons. 

• First, I got married because I was ready to be an adult. My childhood was tumultuous, with my mother and her addiction at the center of the storm. I so disliked the experience of being a child, I could not wait to be an adult. Thereby, I rushed into adulthood…happily and willingly.

• Secondly, I got married because I was a minister who was also beginning to understand himself as same-gender loving. When I got married I had absolutely no romantic or sexual experience with another male. Heck, I hadn’t even seen gay porn! However, I knew I had “tendencies” and “feelings” which scared me senseless. So, listening to the common wisdom (or lack thereof) of small rural Arkansas communities, I felt strongly that I needed a wife, aka “first lady” to both match the predominate image of a minister as well as divert any talk of my sexuality. Therefore, getting married seemed perfectly reasonable.

• Thirdly, I got married because I actually liked my former spouse. She was stunningly beautiful, we held similar values and we enjoyed a friendship that easily transitioned into a partnership. Having another human being with which to walk the journey of life was incredibly comforting (see aforementioned troubled childhood).

• Lastly, right about the time I was rethinking my engagement (announced after knowing my then-girlfriend for a little less than a year), she became pregnant. Our first child was on the way. I had always loved children and was good with them. Also, I had always seen myself as a dad and was ready to parent in ways I did not have as in my own childhood but longed for. So, married we got. I, 19 years old, and she, just short of her 23^rd birthday and 3 months pregnant.

I won’t go into all the details of our married life and the subsequent journey I have taken as a single dad, a newly openly gay young adult and the path back to ministry. God it’s a been a journey! But I will say that I have looked back over all the mistakes made, things I wished I had done differently and the tons of seemingly missed opportunities and have grieved for who I could have been and might have become. At the core of that grief is guilt. Guilt for  the pain I caused my ex-spouse (she still struggles with anger and resentment towards me) and the “nuclear” family I robbed from my children (once my daughter posted a picture of our nuclear family from years ago, with the caption "When things were perfect." My heart nearly broke in two). 

My grief is also exasperated by the palpable stress of parenting which has led to financial woes, not to mention the treacherous territory of dating (yet again, another topic for another post). Being a dad has been both a dream come true and a nightmare to endure. Granted, my daughter has been delightful, but my boys have been a real handful. They struggle academically, struggling with learning differences and mental health challenges (including ADHD and anxiety.. both of which my oldest is tempted to self-medicate). They inherited these struggles from their mother and as an academically gifted student, life-long learner and freaking college professor, I simply can't relate (although I try my best to have compassion, but possibly not enough at times...there's that guilt again). 

To top it off, their common struggles have created a stressed relationship with their mother (they are so much alike they can't get along), while shifting an increased set of emotional, mental and financial responsibilities to me. I love my children desperately, more than words can express, and I'm willing to go the extra mile to make sure they have the opportunity to live a long, happy and successful life. But as many other parents do, my hope and prayer is that I can offer them enough to accomplish that goal. 

Whew! To read this you must think I’m either a big whiny baby, a lost cause or both. I assure you that I am not a complainer and I choose to believe that I am not a lost cause. However, the 20^th anniversary of this journey has provided space and occasion for me to reflect and to think and most importantly, to pray.

I have found myself praying, "O God, why? O God, how? O God, where? O God, when? " Then I’m reminded of another point in life when I was newly separated from my then-wife and struggling in more ways than one, and someone placed a book in my hand. Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer changed my life. The message of the text was simple. If we get quiet and pay attention, our life will speak to us, giving us invaluable insight and direction. 

So, I return to this space. Yet again I’m praying, “God if you get anything from this old raggedy life of mine, then you are free to use it.” That’s my prayer today, but I have no proprietary right to it. I invite you to use it as well. While your circumstances may differ, if you share in the struggle, the pain and/or the guilt of my story, then I invite to pray this prayer along with me.

Remember, if we get quiet and listen we’ll see that this is not the end of our story. The best is not behind us, it is ahead of us. And as always, please remember there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2018, Ray Jordan)