Before anyone feels the need to call me to offer help, let me say that I am fine (did you hear that mother, I’m ok!). In fact, I’ve become so accustomed to just putting my head down, working hard and pushing through any seeming adversity that it didn’t quite dawn on me how much my life was in transition until a good friend, after hearing all the balls I have in the air, suggested that I might benefit in seeing a therapist to help talk me through some of it. And here lies the story of my life.
My job is ending, my relationship is ending, my sons are not in a place that feels comfortable for me, I have a ton of other obligations making demands upon my time and resources and I literally don’t know which city I’ll be living in three months from now. Yet, it never occurred to me that this was enough to require special attention. Nope! That’s not how I’ve allowed myself to function….ever. I was taught to work hard, not complain, and push through any adversity that might be present. However, I’m not ashamed to say that this path is no longer working for me.
Next week I will be 40 years old. Geez, it’s still hard to say out loud or even put in writing. This isn’t because I am ageist or afraid of getting older, per se. Granted, I have mixed feelings about getting older. In one breath I am amazed at my journey and how far God has carried me. I feel as if I have earned every year and I’m so proud of the wisdom I’ve gained along the way. Still, on the other hand, I feel 28 at the most. Also, NOTHING in my life has gone according to plan, so 40 feels like a letdown. So, here we are again; this is the story of my life.
Prior to seeing a counselor at my friend’s request, I had already begun doing a lot of thinking and reflecting (a milestone birthday is good for that). During these times of reflection it became apparent to me that my life force seemed blocked. After speaking with the counselor, she suggested that I was “out of balance”. For me, the terminology isn’t important. What’s important is the fact that I can hear the reality of my experience screaming at me and it’s saying that something must change. So, I began seeking the “what” and the “how”.
I have long believed that our lives are our best teachers. If we simply pay attention and ask questions of God/The Universe, we will find the answers we seek. Therefore, when surveying my life I began looking for common threads and similar or connecting experiences. What I reluctantly realized is that I have not loved myself enough. Even typing those words, I find myself flinching. Not because the statement isn’t true but because I don’t want it to be.
How can I not love me? Theoretically, I love the hell out of myself (sometimes, literally). However, actions can speak louder than words, and if I look to the dark corners of my life, I can see that I have consistently put the needs and wants of others before my own. This is the uniting thread; this is the common denominator among all parts of my life.
I’ve been told that confession is good for the soul, so here it goes. I am fixer. Some might call it a “messiah” or “savior” complex. I don’t say that proudly nor do I choose that consciously. If I were honest (and when I started this blog, I promised to always be), there are deep parts of my self-worth that are damaged and deep, DEEP within myself I hold some beliefs that have not served me well.
Defeating Belief #1: Somewhere within myself I believe that I must earn the love and acceptance of others. Furthermore, there have been times in my life that I have believed that this love and acceptance must be earned at all costs. So, when someone offers that kind of love unconditionally, it scares the shit out of me because…well, I don’t think that I deserve it. Ouch!! (I can’t believe I’m saying this publicly).
Defeating Belief #2: Also, somewhere deep within, I believe that I can’t have good things in my life unless I have appropriately suffered for them. Therefore, I’ve had a difficult time receiving God’s abundance and bounty if I haven’t suffered dearly to have it (i.e. I don’t feel worthy of them).
Defeating Belief #3: Because I somehow believe I have to earn love and suffer for blessings; I have a magnetic ability to attract hurting and broken people in need of fixing. Ray the fixer, the savior, the hero…because what other value do I offer another person if not as the solution to their dilemmas?
Now, why do I write these horribly personal things about myself. Well, first of all, writing is cathartic. Secondly, I do honestly want to be of service to my community and I want to contribute something helpful to the world. I always have and I always will. Also, to put them in writing and to share them publicly helps me be clear about what pain I hold within and thereby helps to hold myself accountable to the healing process.
One of the blessings of my life is that I have the ability to change swiftly. Once I become aware and informed, it doesn’t take me long to put new practices into place. So, once I got clear on what was happening to me and within me, I began to immediately put some changes in place. What do these changes look like? For example:
- I am intentionally and consciously putting me first. What I need and what I want takes priority over the needs and wants of others. That may seem simplistic, but you might be surprised how many times I (and possibly you) betray myself daily to meet some external standard, false obligation or unrealistic expectation. I come first. To survive and thrive, I must! What I need matters and what I want is important. And if it isn’t hurting myself or someone else, then why can’t I have it? Why have I felt guilty or ashamed when I choose me? No more!
- I am intentionally and consciously speaking (and living) my truth. I can’t tell you how many times I have silenced myself, making myself unhappy in order to make someone else comfortable. Quite frankly, I have vowed to stop caring so damn much about what others think. No more!
- And this is the really big one. I am no longer willing to dim my light or make myself small in order to fit into a box someone else has created for me. I have vowed to not only love myself but believe in myself. No matter what others see in us, if we are not willing to affirm those gifts in ourselves, then our work is in vain. Each of us is God’s handiwork. Each of us is beautifully, fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the Divine. Sooooo, let’s start acting like it.
Lastly, I am well aware that the defeating beliefs listed are connected to childhood trauma. There’s no real need to go into all of that here (if you’re interested, you can find mention of some this in other blogposts). Also, as I unpack my milestone birthday I’ll likely be writing about the specific areas of transition in my life (church, relationship, family). So, look back for insight about those.
I began by saying that I felt my life force had been blocked. Meaning, I’ve been blocking my blessings without recognizing it. As I turn the big 4-0, I am determined to clear out any metaphysical clutter that I might truly live my best life. I hope you’ll join me in decluttering any unnecessary baggage from your life as well because the best is not behind us, it's ahead of us. So, remember, there are #bigthingscoming.
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