Listen Here and/or Read Below
“Have you met you? I have and I think you’re
amazing!”
~Spoken to me by a friend.
As I type this I’m sitting in
my church’s sanctuary listening to my 9-year old rehearse with the children’s
choir. Their sweet melodic voices remind of the innocence of childhood (I’ve
even been known to shed a tear or two when they sing during worship
service….especially when my baby has a solo. I’m a sap, I know!). I don’t know
about you, but when I take an honest inventory of my childhood I can remember a
pure innocence and virtuousness about myself. Upon reflection, I can remember
being my full and truest self, that is until someone told me that who I was,
was not good. Unfortunately I
believed them and hence lost touch with myself somewhere along the way.
Today I want to wrap up our
conversation regarding change (if you haven’t read or listened to the previous
posts, please see posts #66-70; I think they’ll be a blessing to you!). I can
feel change in the air. While I know that change is not always easy or
comfortable, I also know that I must embrace it, for this world is a world of
movement, and time waits for no one. In fact, the only thing constant about
life is that we can always count on change. So, I choose to embrace the beauty
and excitement of change, knowing that the pleasure of what I’m gaining will
far outweigh the pain of what might be lost.
When weathering the winds of
change, however, I’m reminded that the most formidable ally I have is “me.” I
believe we are co-creators of life, and that in the final analysis, this
“universe is a friendly universe”
(quote attributed to Albert Einstein). In other words, God has done God’s part
and now we must do ours, which in large part includes excavating the depths of
our own soul, creating new meaning out of our lived experience and releasing
the passion, purpose, and power that lies within.
I’m the first to admit that
this can be more easily said than done. Meaning, while I am fully persuaded
that there are unfathomable depths of wisdom within my own soul I am also well
aware that I have made some grave mistakes along life’s journey. These mistakes
have no doubt been due to my not being in touch with and thereby following the
wisdom within, nevertheless they have left me estranged from my best friend and
ally… “me.” So, as I weather the winds of change, maneuver the maze of life,
and seek to rise victorious through the warfare life’s transitions can
seemingly be (is that enough metaphors for ya?), I must learn to trust myself again.
This can be a scary notion
because I haven’t always been true to myself, which has lead to
self-destructive behavior and poor decisions, all at attempts to find
validation and acceptance by others. However, I must get back to me. I must find my center and remain
true to my life’s journey and soul’s calling.
For example, as I sit here in
the sanctuary of my church, if I allowed myself to be, I could be
anxiety-filled and engulfed in sadness. Let me explain….I grew watching The
Cosby Show and consequently created a mental image of what family was and is
“suppose” to be. My church (one of my churches, I happened to be bi-congregational,
which is another story) happens to be a congregation that is known for having
more than its more than fair share of affluent black families, or in other
words, the kind of family I have always envisioned for myself. However, this
was not meant to be for me. This was not meant to be my life. I tried to create
it for myself, and in fact I did so pretty successfully, but there was one
little problem. I’m gay, and contrary to popular opinion among many circles, it
wasn’t my choice; I was born this way. Therefore, the ‘mom-dad-kids’ model was
not meant to be my life and I have to be ok with that. In order to have peace
with myself and the world around me, I have to be at peace with it.
Trying to create the “perfect”
family, I was crazed with feelings of inadequacy and driven by deep insecurity
and it literally almost derailed my life (I could write a book, believe me!).
By being out of touch with my truest self, I became estranged from myself and
driven by the most fearful parts of my ego, which lead to a life in turmoil.
So, as I now strive to live out of my soul, be lead by love and not fear, and
best discern my life’s path, I’m occasionally hesitant to use my greatest resource….me, because quite frankly I haven’t
always been a good friend to myself. Nonetheless, if I’m to be spiritually
attuned to the best life that “I” can live, I must be able to trust me again.
I am changing. We are changing.
We are shedding the old and embracing the new. We are walking in new territory
and experiencing new people, places and things. I am meant to live a great
life, however it’s not necessarily a life that I have envisioned for myself
based on some abstract idea of what it is suppose
to be. Rather, there is a life purposed for me and I must be intimately
acquainted with it. I must disabuse myself of the idea that any other life can
be better than one that is destined for me and thereby forgive myself for neglecting
it. For…
This is not the end of my
story. My best days are not behind me; they are ahead of me. I am changing but to do so well, I
must trust myself again, for if I don’t I’ll lose my best friend, my most
strongest and miss all of the #bigthingscoming.
NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read
the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or
comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using
the hash tag #bigthingscoming.
(Copyright,
2014, Ray Jordan)
At times Professor J, it's hard to believe/trust in your self. But that's the only way to keep going in life, correct? How did you start?
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