My Reputation as Blanche Devereaux: Learning to Love ALL of Me!

I have often been teased and labeled as someone who has lots of sex. While I suppose this label is slightly better than being thought of as the one that no one wants, I’d like to set the record straight.

I have been single for almost four years (I can’t believe it’s been that long). In this time I, naturally, have taken the time to date. In many instances, this has meant meeting for casual cups of coffee or dinner and a movie from time to time.  More often than not, this also includes getting to know someone through dating apps, texts or phone calls (and yes, in the past I have been “getting to know” up to 10 people at one time). However, this never meant I was sleeping with all of them.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe sex is only for married couples. If I did, where would this have left gay couples until most recently? I do believe, however, that sex should be had responsibly between two consenting adults. Outside of those parameters I have no judgment to give. Yet, in my own experiences I have found that sex is much better when there is a real emotional connection between the persons. And for the record….this is what I am currently seeking.

So, if this is the case, how did I get the reputation of being Blanche Devereaux (sorry…Golden Girls reference)? I think it’s because I embody a sensuality that I am not afraid of, nor am I ashamed of. I am well aware that I (along with every other human) am a sexual being. I embrace it. I own it, and it likely shows.

It’s important that I embrace my sexuality as an integral part of myself because for most of life I was made to feel ashamed and this shame warped how I felt about my body.  Recently I told someone that I love while still learning to love my body. After I said it (or actually texted it), I was struck with how those words affected. As a gay person, growing up with conservative Christian ethics, sex and sexuality were taboo topics. And when puberty hit and I discovered my sexual attraction was much stronger for men than women, the conflict between my spirituality and sexuality grew more complicated. Thereby, I never saw my body as something to embrace or enjoy or dare I say…love.

After I lived the life of a married man with children…I “came out” and tried to find an identity as a gay man. The horror of this experience was enough to make me regret my bold step toward authentic living. Here, my body was definitely welcome to the discourse in ways I was not expecting. Conversely, at this time it was my mind that I found to be the issue. I seemed to find myself in a social circle with little intellectual fervor, social consciousness or diversity of thought and interest. The waters seemed to be a bit shallow. So (as someone with my background of rejection would) I found myself shrinking to hide my academic prowess, my social awareness, and my vibrant intellectual curiosity. Nevertheless, I failed miserably at being another fashion crazed, diva diehard, reality television junkie. It just wasn’t in me…I’d rather be talking about politics, religion and social injustice.

In my last post I said I wanted to pick up the conversation regarding the root of rejection and how it has driven many of us farther and faster than we have cared to journey (if you didn’t read the previous post…it’s a must!). But what does all of this have to do with rejection. The fact of the matter remains, for both my pre and post coming out self, I had to learn to reconcile the truth of my identity while  truly loving and accepting it. Whether it be my body or my mind, if I were to expect another person to truly fall in-love with me and cherish me…all of me… then I needed to first fall in-love with and cherish me…all of me.

It’s taken me a lifetime, but I believe I’m finally getting there. The more I learn to love myself; the root of rejection seems to fade into the distant past.

• When ‘he’ doesn’t call or text or show me the attention I desire, it’s ok. I’m learning to not take it personally.
• When I don’t have a date or I find myself feeling lonely…it’s ok. I don’t need another person to validate me. I love me and my own company.
• When I’m tempted to compromise my values or my self-worth, I’m reminded of who I am and what my true value is.  This allows me to take a breath and a step back to more honestly evaluate the situation (rather than being thirsty and taking whatever crumbs some dude is willing to give me).

Do you suffer from the bitter root of rejection? If so, have you identified the cause and are you moving passionately toward self-love and self-care? This is mandatory work for ANYONE who desires or hopes to be in a long-term relationship. Without understanding these concepts and excavating the “crap” of the past…I’m sorry to tell you, but you won’t be fit to be romantically involved with another human being.  Nonetheless, don’t get discouraged, because…

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. So, do the work…be honest and authentic and be healed from the root of rejection. By doing the work, you can be sure to expect #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also feel free to post your questions or comments here or you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming
(Copyright 2016, Ray Jordan)

The Root of it All

Rejection. What an ugly word. In fact, even saying it out loud leaves bad taste in my mouth. Maybe this is true because I have come to believe that being rejected is one of the most painful experiences in the human journey. Just think about it…when was the last time you felt rejected? Guesses are, even the memory of it brings a painful tinge of across your face….and heart.

I can’t speak conclusively, but from personal experiences, rejection, or simply the anticipation of being rejected, has been the cause of my relationship woes and I’m sure it can be found in the neighborhood of your relationship mishaps as well.

• How many times have we shape-shifted ourselves, denying our authenticity, in pursuit of the affection or approval of a potential partner?
• Have you ever put up with more than your fair share of crap from a loved one, just to keep them…just to avoid the feeling of rejection?
• Or, have you ever, consciously or unconsciously, pushed a suitor away, keeping him or her distant, all in an attempt to avoid the seemingly inevitable rejection?

Likelihood is, you have encountered one or all of those experiences. And while you may not have had the self-awareness to recognize the bitter root of rejection  at the play, in hindsight you can probably see it now.

Let me do what I do best, which is talk about myself in hopes that my transparency and self-disclosure might be of help to you. For many years the painful energy of rejection lie at the pit of my solar plexus. It occurred every time I wasn’t picked for the team, or my blackness was the butt of my white peers’ joke, or when my assumed homosexuality was ridiculed or my propensity for intellectualism was used to make me feel “othered”. However, it first took root when I felt abandoned by my mother.

Our relationship with our family, particularly our parents, is often the archetype for how we relate with our intimate partners later in life. It is where we learn rational thinking, logical discourse and conflict mediation. It is also where we learn one of the most important lessons in life…how to emote. How to genuinely and authentically be our truest selves and be loved…not in spite of it, but because of it.

Researcher, social worker and author Brene Brown (if you haven’t read any of her books, don’t walk but run to order them) says that there is a difference between Belonging and Fitting in.  Belonging, she says, is a normal and natural need for all humans. We have a need to be unconditionally loved and accepted. However, fitting in is our external, ego-driven attempt to hustle for acceptance by sacrificing our needs, values and authenticity in exchange for the approval of others. One is crucial for emotionally and mentally healthy people. The other is detrimental to wholehearted and joyous living.

When reading this from Brene I had a huge “aha” moment! All of my life, I have longed to belong, but tried to achieve it by fitting in. And most of the messy mistakes I have made in my adult life is because of it.

So, what does this have to do with romantic relationships? I have learned that belonging starts from within, and this often means healing the scars of the past. Why does it start from within? Because if one doesn’t truly accept and unconditionally love oneself, they will NEVER feel worthy of that kind of love from another.

To avoid making this post too long, I want to leave you with a little homework. Take some time to mediate…to really think about that unlined part and consider all of the ways in which you have unconsciously (or possibly even consciously) acted in ways that lead to the demise of past relationships because somewhere deep inside of yourself you didn’t feel worthy. Now, our egos won’t allow this truth to be apparent, so let me say it a different way.

• Is it possible, our complaining and faultfinding with our partners was fueled by self-dislike? In other words, we treated them the way we truly felt about ourselves.
• Is it possible that our inability to be faithful was fueled by our own insecurity…which was fed by entertaining the inappropriate attention of others?
• Is it possible that our issue with our partners, whatever that issue was (outside of abuse of course), was ignited by an looming sentiment that said get them before they have a chance to get you? Because, in some way you felt you weren’t “enough” and thereby your chances of getting rejected or hurt was somehow inevitable?

I want to pick this up in my next post, but in the meantime please remember:

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Whether we’re currently dating/partnered/married or not…we must know that love and belonging is an inside job and that there are  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also feel free to post your questions or comments here or you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming

(Copyright 2016, Ray Jordan)

Epilogue: Why I Don't Want to Date Anymore

I got such positive feedback from my last post about the perils of dating (if you haven’t read it…look it up), I decided to write a follow up. The overwhelming feedback indicated a few things for me. It indicated that 1) people can relate to relationship woes, 2) people need help sifting through their own experiences, and 3) I need to continue working through my thoughts in written form. So, this post is an attempt to do precisely that.

Considering the third point, I began to wonder exactly why I wanted to give up on dating.

Do I want the experience of walking the journey of life with another person, engaging both the vulnerability and intimacy that walk requires? Yes, I do. I actually feel called to it. I think, more than anything else, one’s relationship with a partner serves as a mirror, and within it the truth of oneself can be seen…the good, the bad and the ugly. I have always been a person of reflection, self-improvement and growth (in fact the presence of persons who seemingly have no ambition or desire to evolve and grow still remains one my greatest annoyances). So, the idea of growing with another person has always been attractive and important to me….so that’s not it.

Do I want the experience of building a life with another person? Yes, I do. Again, I am drawn to the idea of complimenting purposes, building something larger together than can be accomplished alone. Do I feel as if I “need” another person to fulfill purpose in life? No, not at all (to do that, all I need is God). However, I think having a ‘partner in crime’ with whom to collaborate, conspire and build can be a helpful thing. So…again…that isn’t it.

Do I want a romantic partner? Yes, I do. Deep at heart, I am a terribly corny romantic who believes in the intentional pursuit of passion and desire between partners. I am naturally affectionate and passionate and would love a partner with whom to share that energy.

So.....what in the hell is the problem? Why don’t I want to date? I realized today, that I don’t want to date because I don’t know how. Historically, I have shied away from things I don’t do well (although I’ve begun to change that). Many men do. We’ve been taught to portray only displays of strength and accomplishment, while hiding our fears, insecurities and frailties, even from those closest to us. So, if I don’t know how to date, it only makes sense that I don’t want to do it. But is that all?

I believe it goes beyond that. I, admittedly, am a pretty good partner. I’m an excellent roommate and have given lots of thought and had lots of practice at coupling (a 7 year marriage and 5 year relationship). However, how does one date? If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear it!

I don’t know how to date or hang in this limbo land of “getting to know each other” or “talking.” This is true for a number of reasons. This is true, partially, because I’m ordinarily very busy and outside of my work and community commitment I don’t always have time to go out and do stuff during the week or weekend, thereby limiting the time I actually see a potential partner. So, having someone who "lives-in" seems to work better logistically.

Yet, I also think this true because my communication style and personality works best with stated boundaries and understood expectations. How does one know what to do or how to act without agreed upon boundaries and expectations? I known we are supposed to “go with the flow” or let it happen “naturally” or “organically.” Just typing those makes me chuckle.....followed by a feeling of dark despair. How do I know that what comes “natural” for me is also what comes natural for the other person. And if you add a non-communicative individual to the mix, the results can simply be disastrous!

I like to say that labels don’t matter, and official titles aren’t important. And maybe they aren't. But what is important for me, is being on the same page. Finding a common rhythm and articulating what that rhythm feels and sounds like for each person.  Am I alone in feeling this way?

At the end of the day I don’t want to date anymore because I apparently don’t know how to do it and are thereby bad at it. So, I have some decisions to make. Do I give up on dating entirely, and resign to live life single (which for me is a real option…I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being single, and in fact some people may be called to it)? Or, do I use the discomfort of dating to dig deeper into my identity and excavate areas that need healing? At this point, I’m not sure. Part of me says I’m called to be partnered while another says, “Lord, please don’t teach me no more. I don’t need to be healed of nothing else!” Because healing often hurts worse before it feels better. Sigh….However, I’ll continue reminding myself (and you) that….

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Whether we’re currently dating/partnered/married or not…we must know that we are worthy of it…all of it, and there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also feel free to post your questions or comments here or you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming

(Copyright 2016, Ray Jordan)

I Don't Want to Date Anymore!

OK, I have a declaration to make. It’s a declaration in the sense that I feel the need to say it…but not in the sense that anyone wants or cares to actually hear it. Here goes!

“I don’t want to date anymore. And furthermore, I sure don’t want to be gay, either!”

Ok, whew! That feels slightly better. However, let the record show that I have come a looooooong way! It all began before I was born. I brewed in the womb of a mother who suffered from guilt and shame about being a teenager, unwed, pregnant, and not completely sure who the father of her unborn child was. Thus, shame and guilt filled her womb and entered my being and therefore these energies seem to be my ‘go-to’ places. For my entire life, I have lived under an umbrella of some sort of guilt and shame (and while religion should have helped to liberate me from it, it unfortunately added to my pitiful state).

So, when I say I’ve come a long way, please know that I mean it. I have successfully broken through years and fortified layers of past mistakes and many iterations of my identify to find a sense of self that is not guilty or shameful about anything, but one who relishes in the beauty of his own authenticity…gay and all! Having said that, I still have a way to go. However strong and accomplished and confident and educated and able as I might appear (and I really am), romantic relationships still seem to be the last frontier.

This is not because I am necessarily difficult to live with nor am I adverse to commitment. I am only 36 and I have already had a marriage that successfully lasted 7 years and a long-term relationship that lasted five. I am actually a pretty good living companion. However, now that I seek more than a convenient living situation and good sex (which I’m not too bad at either) but rather a spiritual partnership, things have changed and thus finding the right “fit” has become increasingly more challenging.

There is much to say, but to make a long story interesting, my relationship woes relate to a lurking, seemingly ever-present sense of inadequacy. As much as I hate to admit it, this still plagues me. I have learned, quite successfully, to move past this feeling in most areas of my life. Nevertheless, romantic relationships still invoke inner pain unlike any other circumstance can.

The looming question still remains: “Am I enough? Do I offer enough? Do you see me, clearly and fully? And do you accept what you see, as unconventional as it might appear?”

Lord, have mercy! While I am tempted to fall on my knees and pray for deliverance, I know instantaneous deliverance will not be granted (although falling on my knees in prayer offers some temporary strength to go the next step of the way). This deliverance happens slowly, only occurring as I am willing to do the hard work of self-awareness and introspection. I must identify my tender spaces and ask the why, how, what, when, and where of my past hurts and contemporary experiences.

In other words:

• Why do I feel angry or frustrated when he doesn’t text back in a certain time frame?
• How do I move past my experiences of hurt and insecurity, as not to sabotage this relationship?
• What areas of my ego are fired up and activated in this encounter?
•  When will I be able to encounter these situations without emotional pain or internal discomfort?
• Where can I turn for a nonjudgmental listening ear?

Awww…spiritual growth and emotional maturity. There are many things I do not know, yet there are things I know for sure (and they don’t always mesh in ways that are easily understood). For example, I don’t know why relationships are as challenging as they seem to be. Yet, for sure, I know that these experiences open us in ways that many others can’t, therefore the discomfort should be embraced and the pain should be seen as a learning tool.

My biggest question so far: how do you move passed the ability of one’s dating partner to invoke anxiety and/or pain without also turning callous towards said partner? In other words, how does one liberate oneself without it equating a cold divorce of the desirable romantic partner? Does this make sense? If not, leave me a message below.

This not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you, they are ahead of you. Romantic relationships can simultaneously be despised while also being greatly sought. Likewise, you can feel trapped, yet know there are  #bigthingscoming. Oh the great paradox!

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2016, Ray Jordan)

Message for the New Year...2016

We are well into February but I couldn’t NOT share where the universe is taking me in this new year/season (forgive my tardiness…sometimes the perfectionist in me doesn’t want to write until I have the time and focus to make it the “best thing I’ve ever written.” I’m learning that simply communicating the message is more important that articulating it in poetic brilliance).

I’ve said it , but it’s worth repeating. I don’t think there is anything magical about a new calendar year. However, I do think it’s an opportune time to reevaluate and give our lives careful consideration. So, while I think this is my “word” for the new year, it’s likely the Spirit was trying to speak it to me all along but I didn’t take the time to actual listen until confronted with 2016.

So, what’ the big message for the new year? It’s quite simple yet profound (as it usually is with God): Love myself. Yep, that’s it. Love myself. While that may seem too simplistic and a little narcissistic to be a message from God, the Universe. It was right on time for me (and possibly for you as well).

For most of my life I have made decisions, both large and small, based almost entirely on the needs, wants, expectations and desires of others. In many instances the intention was noble…a demonstration of my attempt to be a “good Christian” and follow the Golden Rule. Yet, in many other ways it was driven by a deep lack of self-worth and unrelenting “need to please”.  In other words, to experience self-worth I needed to be seen as “good”, “validated”, “praised”….“accepted”. While I don’t see any of those things are inherently bad, to seek them at the expense of authenticity robs one of true self-love and self-worth and thereby robs the world of a divine gift…a blessing so incredible only God can provide it…the gift of “me”.

That’s right, we are each a gift. We are a gift to each other and a gift to the world. No one can take our place. We each hold an invaluable piece to the divine puzzle of life. Sooooo, if we don’t step up to the plate, representing the fullest expressions of our authentic selves, we are robbing the world. Simply stated, loving and expressing ourselves fully is act of worship, a spiritual discipline and one of the most altruistic things we can do.

Don’t get me wrong, I know this. I know this and have known this for a long time…yet I continue to know it in ways deeper and richer than before. However, when I get it on another level, it never ceases to be a kick on the stomach and, at times, a slap in the face. Certainly, I have already leaped some incredible hurdles to live authentically, but I’ll be darned …there is still seems to be more to do. In some ways, I leaped those hurdles in order to survive…but now it’s time to do love myself in order to thrive. For example:

• Do I change myself, depending on my environment or company, in ways that compromise my integrity and my truest identity?
• Do I enjoy my own company? Am I happy with the solitude of my own presence…because if I do not how can I expect others to?
• Do I offer myself self-care…in whatever ways my body and soul need (for me it’s a massage, investing in great spiritual/self-help materials, taking a hot bath, or going to a play, event, etc. that I want to go…without HAVING to have a date or someone to accompany).
• Do I make decisions that are pleasing to ME...regardless of others it may disappoint?
• When I look in the mirror, do my eyes and thoughts immediately go to my so-called imperfections, or do I notice all things that I like about myself, praising and giving my body/temple honor?
• Do I speak truth, live truth, walk in truth…not in ways that are necessarily disrespectful or arrogant to others, but in ways that are confident and honorable to the truth of who and what I am?
• Do I extend to MYSELF, grace and mercy…and in my case, giving myself the same forgiveness and benefit of the doubt that I offer others?

The list could go on….and on….and on, but you get the picture. We are only 6 weeks into the new year, and this commitment to love myself hasn’t come naturally and it hasn’t been easy (for heaven’s sake, I’m breaking a lifetime of bad habits and behavioral patterns…leaving wanting to scream in emotional pain), but it’s been worth it. I feel as if I’m building spiritual and emotional muscle needed to accomplish that which I have come into the earth realm to accomplish.

Do you think…just possibly… Spirit may be extending this message to you too? Just maybe, is there room for you to love yourself more? Any room to further extend a more full and authentic expression of yourself? If so, read this post multiple times, share it with others and comment below and let me know what you think. For…

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Go ahead, and love yourself. It’s ok. You’re worthy of it. Do it for you; do it as worship to God, and do it for the world. Because through this spiritual act, you are making room for #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2016, Ray Jordan)

 

Pay Attention- Christmas Lesson Part 2

For the past couple of years I have experienced a reoccurring dream. First, let me say that I am a big believer in paying attention to life and allowing our experiences to be our greatest teacher. The late televangelist Oral Roberts used to say there was a miracle coming our way every day, it was just up to us to reach out and receive it. In many ways I believe this. However, most days I believe each day offers the simple miracle of a life lived in the present while being self-aware. So, when I recently heard author, former monk and psychotherapist Thomas Moore say that our dream life can be considered more real than our conscious life, I paid attention.

I paid attention because, as I mentioned, I have a reoccurring dream. It’s not the exact same dream over and over but rather the same experience over and over. In dream after dream, night after night, my subconscious places me in circumstances that result in my being totally frustrated, confused and in some way out of control.

For example, I have dreamed that I was driving but the steering wheel wasn't working properly, causing me to swerve and barely keep the vehicle on the road. I have dreamed that I was looking for something, but just couldn’t find it (leaving with experience of searching and searching). I have dreamed that I was making a presentation and couldn’t get the computer to work, resulting in me being tangled in wires and cords…..and I could go on.

Each dream, while placing me in different scenarios, contained circumstances by which I was desperately trying to do or perform some task, yet finding myself discombobulated, angry and exasperated. If I offer an honest assessment of my life (which I truly believe in) I would say this “feeling” of struggle, anxiety and of 'being out of control” is not only a recurring experience in my dreams, but in my life.

Although I hold myself to a high standard, I can give myself a break by saying that I’ve done well in life (considering the limited resources I’ve had available to me). However, it’s never felt like it’s ever enough…I’ve even been guilty of saying that I don’t seem to have the time, energy and resources to accomplish all that I’d need to. And that brings me to my own version of “Blue Christmas” this season and the lesson of surrender I began in the last post (if you haven’t read the post “Unexpected Christmas Lesson” give it a look).

The particular circumstance offering me anxiety this Christmas is my oldest son, Trey. In my opinion, there is nothing that can make one feel more helpless and out control quite like the experience of parenting. I think this is especially true when parenting an adolescent. Granted, it can be a confusing time for them…they have bodies of adults and the brains of children. Nevertheless, for me, it feels much like my reoccurring dream where I wrestle with some seemingly simple task (such as driving or operating a computer mouse), yet with very little success.

Trey is headstrong, stubborn, and impulsive but with very little critical thinking skills. If you add that with the typical self-centered attitude of most teenagers, it’s enough to make you scream! While I struggle to find a way to guide him through this tumultuous time (not to mention dangerous...have you seen the news?), I am not without lots of “helpful” voices.

• My mother, who believes brute force is the answer to all of the world’s problems, thinks I should beat him.
• His mother (my former spouse) thinks he should just come back to live with her (although there are so many ways that could end in disaster that I don’t have time to type them all here).
• My brother, who has no children and knows not the perils of child discipline, thinks I should just put my foot down and “make” him to do this or that (which is always easier said than done).
• Other avenues of thought suggest I should send him to counseling (which is also a favorite of my brother who is a licensed therapist).
• While others say I should just love him through this, giving him space to figure it out on his own.

Maybe a mixture of all of the above is the magic key, but that’s just it. Is there a magic formula? I have ALWAYS wanted to be a parent, however I’m second guessing that decision more than ever these days because it is proving to be one more opportunity for me to feel like the world is swirling around me (much like the tornado in The Wizard of Oz)....one more example of my seeming inability to live life successfully.

What am I going to do about Trey? I don’t know, but there is one thing I have decided. I have decided to give up (as much as I possibly can). That doesn’t mean that I don’t love him, or care about him or am even hurt when he makes some really poor decisions. It means that I am at my rope’s end, which is, believe it or not, exactly where I believe God wants us. My reoccurring dream of feeling out of control, I believe, is nothing more than a constant reminder to me of the power of surrender.

See, surrender requires trust. It is a true test and testament of our faith. I’ll talk more about that test in my next post (I’ve already made this post too long) but until the next post, please know....

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. If you’re at your rope’s end, with your back against the wall…GOOD! That is where God is most glorified because you don’t know God is all you need until God is all you’ve got. Just hang in there because there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2015, Ray Jordan)

An Unexpected Christmas Lesson

Merry Christmas! That’s right, not just Christmas, but our annual hope and public proclamation is that it will be “merry”. This age-old greeting reminds us that our expectation for the holiday isn’t to be mediocre or average but happy and “holly jolly” and filled with exceeding joy…..

Geez! Just typing it is exhausting. Each year, there are many people who don’t experience the holiday this way, however,  this year I seemed to have heard from many more people than usual that it’s been particularly hard to get in the “Christmas spirit.”I have to admit, this year has been difficult for me as well.

Because I practice my spirituality in the tradition of liturgical Christianity, this time of the year isn’t as much about Christmas as it is about Advent. Advent is the beginning of the traditional Christian calendar and a time when we emphasize the spiritual practice of waiting, the spiritual gift of patience and the spiritual reality of the Divine being birthed, not only within Mary the mother of Jesus, but within each of us as well.

Yes, the birth of Jesus is thought to be a beautiful, holy and joyous occasion, however the time before Jesus’ birth was actually uncertain, anxious and even scary. From the terrifying declaration of the Angel to Mary, to the uncertainty of Jesus’ birth (remember, they were essentially homeless at the time) to the decree from Herod to have all of the male babies and toddlers killed, thus causing the young Jesus and his parents to flee (as refugees, no doubt) to Africa to escape his murderous rampage. Now, that’s some scary sh*t!

So, today I find solace in this story as I face my own sense of uncertainty, fear and sadness this Advent and Christmas season. To say it bluntly, my life wasn’t supposed to end up this way. Believe me, I had great plans! Plans for me, and what my family and life would look like. Needless to say, NONE of them have worked out according to my master plan.

If I were to be completely honest, my life is a mere remnant of what it was “supposed” to be, the point it would be almost unrecognizable to a young Ray, full of hope and promise. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want anyone to cry for me or play the world’s smallest violin. I have a good life and I have so much to be thankful for! In many ways I am stronger and wiser than I’ve ever been. I am definitely more authentic than I’ve ever been (and this fact alone is worth all of the sacrifices I’ve made). However, the all of the wealth of good things in my life can’t completely steer me away for noticing the areas of dysfunction, lack and disappointment.

So, what is there for me to do? I, again, turn to the story of Jesus’ birth. When poor Mary, a young teen whose life was completely turned upside-down by unexpected circumstances, was confronted with unexpected life plans she simply responded with these words (as recorded in Luke 1:38),

“Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me, according to your word.”

Yes, that’s the word for me (and possibly you) this Advent and Christmas…the lesson of surrender and the ability to let go. I’ll talk more specifically about my own situation and how this applies in my next blog post (it feels good to be writing again). But until then, please know that…

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. If your Christmas isn’t exactly “merry”, then you are in good company. The first Christmas wasn’t exactly good times either. Fear and uncertainty are as much of faith as is victory and triumph; one is incomplete without the other. But no matter what the season presently looks like, just remember there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2015, Ray Jordan)