Epilogue: Why I Don't Want to Date Anymore

I got such positive feedback from my last post about the perils of dating (if you haven’t read it…look it up), I decided to write a follow up. The overwhelming feedback indicated a few things for me. It indicated that 1) people can relate to relationship woes, 2) people need help sifting through their own experiences, and 3) I need to continue working through my thoughts in written form. So, this post is an attempt to do precisely that.

Considering the third point, I began to wonder exactly why I wanted to give up on dating.

Do I want the experience of walking the journey of life with another person, engaging both the vulnerability and intimacy that walk requires? Yes, I do. I actually feel called to it. I think, more than anything else, one’s relationship with a partner serves as a mirror, and within it the truth of oneself can be seen…the good, the bad and the ugly. I have always been a person of reflection, self-improvement and growth (in fact the presence of persons who seemingly have no ambition or desire to evolve and grow still remains one my greatest annoyances). So, the idea of growing with another person has always been attractive and important to me….so that’s not it.

Do I want the experience of building a life with another person? Yes, I do. Again, I am drawn to the idea of complimenting purposes, building something larger together than can be accomplished alone. Do I feel as if I “need” another person to fulfill purpose in life? No, not at all (to do that, all I need is God). However, I think having a ‘partner in crime’ with whom to collaborate, conspire and build can be a helpful thing. So…again…that isn’t it.

Do I want a romantic partner? Yes, I do. Deep at heart, I am a terribly corny romantic who believes in the intentional pursuit of passion and desire between partners. I am naturally affectionate and passionate and would love a partner with whom to share that energy.

So.....what in the hell is the problem? Why don’t I want to date? I realized today, that I don’t want to date because I don’t know how. Historically, I have shied away from things I don’t do well (although I’ve begun to change that). Many men do. We’ve been taught to portray only displays of strength and accomplishment, while hiding our fears, insecurities and frailties, even from those closest to us. So, if I don’t know how to date, it only makes sense that I don’t want to do it. But is that all?

I believe it goes beyond that. I, admittedly, am a pretty good partner. I’m an excellent roommate and have given lots of thought and had lots of practice at coupling (a 7 year marriage and 5 year relationship). However, how does one date? If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear it!

I don’t know how to date or hang in this limbo land of “getting to know each other” or “talking.” This is true for a number of reasons. This is true, partially, because I’m ordinarily very busy and outside of my work and community commitment I don’t always have time to go out and do stuff during the week or weekend, thereby limiting the time I actually see a potential partner. So, having someone who "lives-in" seems to work better logistically.

Yet, I also think this true because my communication style and personality works best with stated boundaries and understood expectations. How does one know what to do or how to act without agreed upon boundaries and expectations? I known we are supposed to “go with the flow” or let it happen “naturally” or “organically.” Just typing those makes me chuckle.....followed by a feeling of dark despair. How do I know that what comes “natural” for me is also what comes natural for the other person. And if you add a non-communicative individual to the mix, the results can simply be disastrous!

I like to say that labels don’t matter, and official titles aren’t important. And maybe they aren't. But what is important for me, is being on the same page. Finding a common rhythm and articulating what that rhythm feels and sounds like for each person.  Am I alone in feeling this way?

At the end of the day I don’t want to date anymore because I apparently don’t know how to do it and are thereby bad at it. So, I have some decisions to make. Do I give up on dating entirely, and resign to live life single (which for me is a real option…I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being single, and in fact some people may be called to it)? Or, do I use the discomfort of dating to dig deeper into my identity and excavate areas that need healing? At this point, I’m not sure. Part of me says I’m called to be partnered while another says, “Lord, please don’t teach me no more. I don’t need to be healed of nothing else!” Because healing often hurts worse before it feels better. Sigh….However, I’ll continue reminding myself (and you) that….

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Whether we’re currently dating/partnered/married or not…we must know that we are worthy of it…all of it, and there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also feel free to post your questions or comments here or you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming

(Copyright 2016, Ray Jordan)

I Don't Want to Date Anymore!

OK, I have a declaration to make. It’s a declaration in the sense that I feel the need to say it…but not in the sense that anyone wants or cares to actually hear it. Here goes!

“I don’t want to date anymore. And furthermore, I sure don’t want to be gay, either!”

Ok, whew! That feels slightly better. However, let the record show that I have come a looooooong way! It all began before I was born. I brewed in the womb of a mother who suffered from guilt and shame about being a teenager, unwed, pregnant, and not completely sure who the father of her unborn child was. Thus, shame and guilt filled her womb and entered my being and therefore these energies seem to be my ‘go-to’ places. For my entire life, I have lived under an umbrella of some sort of guilt and shame (and while religion should have helped to liberate me from it, it unfortunately added to my pitiful state).

So, when I say I’ve come a long way, please know that I mean it. I have successfully broken through years and fortified layers of past mistakes and many iterations of my identify to find a sense of self that is not guilty or shameful about anything, but one who relishes in the beauty of his own authenticity…gay and all! Having said that, I still have a way to go. However strong and accomplished and confident and educated and able as I might appear (and I really am), romantic relationships still seem to be the last frontier.

This is not because I am necessarily difficult to live with nor am I adverse to commitment. I am only 36 and I have already had a marriage that successfully lasted 7 years and a long-term relationship that lasted five. I am actually a pretty good living companion. However, now that I seek more than a convenient living situation and good sex (which I’m not too bad at either) but rather a spiritual partnership, things have changed and thus finding the right “fit” has become increasingly more challenging.

There is much to say, but to make a long story interesting, my relationship woes relate to a lurking, seemingly ever-present sense of inadequacy. As much as I hate to admit it, this still plagues me. I have learned, quite successfully, to move past this feeling in most areas of my life. Nevertheless, romantic relationships still invoke inner pain unlike any other circumstance can.

The looming question still remains: “Am I enough? Do I offer enough? Do you see me, clearly and fully? And do you accept what you see, as unconventional as it might appear?”

Lord, have mercy! While I am tempted to fall on my knees and pray for deliverance, I know instantaneous deliverance will not be granted (although falling on my knees in prayer offers some temporary strength to go the next step of the way). This deliverance happens slowly, only occurring as I am willing to do the hard work of self-awareness and introspection. I must identify my tender spaces and ask the why, how, what, when, and where of my past hurts and contemporary experiences.

In other words:

• Why do I feel angry or frustrated when he doesn’t text back in a certain time frame?
• How do I move past my experiences of hurt and insecurity, as not to sabotage this relationship?
• What areas of my ego are fired up and activated in this encounter?
•  When will I be able to encounter these situations without emotional pain or internal discomfort?
• Where can I turn for a nonjudgmental listening ear?

Awww…spiritual growth and emotional maturity. There are many things I do not know, yet there are things I know for sure (and they don’t always mesh in ways that are easily understood). For example, I don’t know why relationships are as challenging as they seem to be. Yet, for sure, I know that these experiences open us in ways that many others can’t, therefore the discomfort should be embraced and the pain should be seen as a learning tool.

My biggest question so far: how do you move passed the ability of one’s dating partner to invoke anxiety and/or pain without also turning callous towards said partner? In other words, how does one liberate oneself without it equating a cold divorce of the desirable romantic partner? Does this make sense? If not, leave me a message below.

This not the end of your story. Your best days are not behind you, they are ahead of you. Romantic relationships can simultaneously be despised while also being greatly sought. Likewise, you can feel trapped, yet know there are  #bigthingscoming. Oh the great paradox!

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2016, Ray Jordan)

Message for the New Year...2016

We are well into February but I couldn’t NOT share where the universe is taking me in this new year/season (forgive my tardiness…sometimes the perfectionist in me doesn’t want to write until I have the time and focus to make it the “best thing I’ve ever written.” I’m learning that simply communicating the message is more important that articulating it in poetic brilliance).

I’ve said it , but it’s worth repeating. I don’t think there is anything magical about a new calendar year. However, I do think it’s an opportune time to reevaluate and give our lives careful consideration. So, while I think this is my “word” for the new year, it’s likely the Spirit was trying to speak it to me all along but I didn’t take the time to actual listen until confronted with 2016.

So, what’ the big message for the new year? It’s quite simple yet profound (as it usually is with God): Love myself. Yep, that’s it. Love myself. While that may seem too simplistic and a little narcissistic to be a message from God, the Universe. It was right on time for me (and possibly for you as well).

For most of my life I have made decisions, both large and small, based almost entirely on the needs, wants, expectations and desires of others. In many instances the intention was noble…a demonstration of my attempt to be a “good Christian” and follow the Golden Rule. Yet, in many other ways it was driven by a deep lack of self-worth and unrelenting “need to please”.  In other words, to experience self-worth I needed to be seen as “good”, “validated”, “praised”….“accepted”. While I don’t see any of those things are inherently bad, to seek them at the expense of authenticity robs one of true self-love and self-worth and thereby robs the world of a divine gift…a blessing so incredible only God can provide it…the gift of “me”.

That’s right, we are each a gift. We are a gift to each other and a gift to the world. No one can take our place. We each hold an invaluable piece to the divine puzzle of life. Sooooo, if we don’t step up to the plate, representing the fullest expressions of our authentic selves, we are robbing the world. Simply stated, loving and expressing ourselves fully is act of worship, a spiritual discipline and one of the most altruistic things we can do.

Don’t get me wrong, I know this. I know this and have known this for a long time…yet I continue to know it in ways deeper and richer than before. However, when I get it on another level, it never ceases to be a kick on the stomach and, at times, a slap in the face. Certainly, I have already leaped some incredible hurdles to live authentically, but I’ll be darned …there is still seems to be more to do. In some ways, I leaped those hurdles in order to survive…but now it’s time to do love myself in order to thrive. For example:

• Do I change myself, depending on my environment or company, in ways that compromise my integrity and my truest identity?
• Do I enjoy my own company? Am I happy with the solitude of my own presence…because if I do not how can I expect others to?
• Do I offer myself self-care…in whatever ways my body and soul need (for me it’s a massage, investing in great spiritual/self-help materials, taking a hot bath, or going to a play, event, etc. that I want to go…without HAVING to have a date or someone to accompany).
• Do I make decisions that are pleasing to ME...regardless of others it may disappoint?
• When I look in the mirror, do my eyes and thoughts immediately go to my so-called imperfections, or do I notice all things that I like about myself, praising and giving my body/temple honor?
• Do I speak truth, live truth, walk in truth…not in ways that are necessarily disrespectful or arrogant to others, but in ways that are confident and honorable to the truth of who and what I am?
• Do I extend to MYSELF, grace and mercy…and in my case, giving myself the same forgiveness and benefit of the doubt that I offer others?

The list could go on….and on….and on, but you get the picture. We are only 6 weeks into the new year, and this commitment to love myself hasn’t come naturally and it hasn’t been easy (for heaven’s sake, I’m breaking a lifetime of bad habits and behavioral patterns…leaving wanting to scream in emotional pain), but it’s been worth it. I feel as if I’m building spiritual and emotional muscle needed to accomplish that which I have come into the earth realm to accomplish.

Do you think…just possibly… Spirit may be extending this message to you too? Just maybe, is there room for you to love yourself more? Any room to further extend a more full and authentic expression of yourself? If so, read this post multiple times, share it with others and comment below and let me know what you think. For…

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Go ahead, and love yourself. It’s ok. You’re worthy of it. Do it for you; do it as worship to God, and do it for the world. Because through this spiritual act, you are making room for #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2016, Ray Jordan)

 

Pay Attention- Christmas Lesson Part 2

For the past couple of years I have experienced a reoccurring dream. First, let me say that I am a big believer in paying attention to life and allowing our experiences to be our greatest teacher. The late televangelist Oral Roberts used to say there was a miracle coming our way every day, it was just up to us to reach out and receive it. In many ways I believe this. However, most days I believe each day offers the simple miracle of a life lived in the present while being self-aware. So, when I recently heard author, former monk and psychotherapist Thomas Moore say that our dream life can be considered more real than our conscious life, I paid attention.

I paid attention because, as I mentioned, I have a reoccurring dream. It’s not the exact same dream over and over but rather the same experience over and over. In dream after dream, night after night, my subconscious places me in circumstances that result in my being totally frustrated, confused and in some way out of control.

For example, I have dreamed that I was driving but the steering wheel wasn't working properly, causing me to swerve and barely keep the vehicle on the road. I have dreamed that I was looking for something, but just couldn’t find it (leaving with experience of searching and searching). I have dreamed that I was making a presentation and couldn’t get the computer to work, resulting in me being tangled in wires and cords…..and I could go on.

Each dream, while placing me in different scenarios, contained circumstances by which I was desperately trying to do or perform some task, yet finding myself discombobulated, angry and exasperated. If I offer an honest assessment of my life (which I truly believe in) I would say this “feeling” of struggle, anxiety and of 'being out of control” is not only a recurring experience in my dreams, but in my life.

Although I hold myself to a high standard, I can give myself a break by saying that I’ve done well in life (considering the limited resources I’ve had available to me). However, it’s never felt like it’s ever enough…I’ve even been guilty of saying that I don’t seem to have the time, energy and resources to accomplish all that I’d need to. And that brings me to my own version of “Blue Christmas” this season and the lesson of surrender I began in the last post (if you haven’t read the post “Unexpected Christmas Lesson” give it a look).

The particular circumstance offering me anxiety this Christmas is my oldest son, Trey. In my opinion, there is nothing that can make one feel more helpless and out control quite like the experience of parenting. I think this is especially true when parenting an adolescent. Granted, it can be a confusing time for them…they have bodies of adults and the brains of children. Nevertheless, for me, it feels much like my reoccurring dream where I wrestle with some seemingly simple task (such as driving or operating a computer mouse), yet with very little success.

Trey is headstrong, stubborn, and impulsive but with very little critical thinking skills. If you add that with the typical self-centered attitude of most teenagers, it’s enough to make you scream! While I struggle to find a way to guide him through this tumultuous time (not to mention dangerous...have you seen the news?), I am not without lots of “helpful” voices.

• My mother, who believes brute force is the answer to all of the world’s problems, thinks I should beat him.
• His mother (my former spouse) thinks he should just come back to live with her (although there are so many ways that could end in disaster that I don’t have time to type them all here).
• My brother, who has no children and knows not the perils of child discipline, thinks I should just put my foot down and “make” him to do this or that (which is always easier said than done).
• Other avenues of thought suggest I should send him to counseling (which is also a favorite of my brother who is a licensed therapist).
• While others say I should just love him through this, giving him space to figure it out on his own.

Maybe a mixture of all of the above is the magic key, but that’s just it. Is there a magic formula? I have ALWAYS wanted to be a parent, however I’m second guessing that decision more than ever these days because it is proving to be one more opportunity for me to feel like the world is swirling around me (much like the tornado in The Wizard of Oz)....one more example of my seeming inability to live life successfully.

What am I going to do about Trey? I don’t know, but there is one thing I have decided. I have decided to give up (as much as I possibly can). That doesn’t mean that I don’t love him, or care about him or am even hurt when he makes some really poor decisions. It means that I am at my rope’s end, which is, believe it or not, exactly where I believe God wants us. My reoccurring dream of feeling out of control, I believe, is nothing more than a constant reminder to me of the power of surrender.

See, surrender requires trust. It is a true test and testament of our faith. I’ll talk more about that test in my next post (I’ve already made this post too long) but until the next post, please know....

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. If you’re at your rope’s end, with your back against the wall…GOOD! That is where God is most glorified because you don’t know God is all you need until God is all you’ve got. Just hang in there because there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2015, Ray Jordan)

An Unexpected Christmas Lesson

Merry Christmas! That’s right, not just Christmas, but our annual hope and public proclamation is that it will be “merry”. This age-old greeting reminds us that our expectation for the holiday isn’t to be mediocre or average but happy and “holly jolly” and filled with exceeding joy…..

Geez! Just typing it is exhausting. Each year, there are many people who don’t experience the holiday this way, however,  this year I seemed to have heard from many more people than usual that it’s been particularly hard to get in the “Christmas spirit.”I have to admit, this year has been difficult for me as well.

Because I practice my spirituality in the tradition of liturgical Christianity, this time of the year isn’t as much about Christmas as it is about Advent. Advent is the beginning of the traditional Christian calendar and a time when we emphasize the spiritual practice of waiting, the spiritual gift of patience and the spiritual reality of the Divine being birthed, not only within Mary the mother of Jesus, but within each of us as well.

Yes, the birth of Jesus is thought to be a beautiful, holy and joyous occasion, however the time before Jesus’ birth was actually uncertain, anxious and even scary. From the terrifying declaration of the Angel to Mary, to the uncertainty of Jesus’ birth (remember, they were essentially homeless at the time) to the decree from Herod to have all of the male babies and toddlers killed, thus causing the young Jesus and his parents to flee (as refugees, no doubt) to Africa to escape his murderous rampage. Now, that’s some scary sh*t!

So, today I find solace in this story as I face my own sense of uncertainty, fear and sadness this Advent and Christmas season. To say it bluntly, my life wasn’t supposed to end up this way. Believe me, I had great plans! Plans for me, and what my family and life would look like. Needless to say, NONE of them have worked out according to my master plan.

If I were to be completely honest, my life is a mere remnant of what it was “supposed” to be, the point it would be almost unrecognizable to a young Ray, full of hope and promise. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want anyone to cry for me or play the world’s smallest violin. I have a good life and I have so much to be thankful for! In many ways I am stronger and wiser than I’ve ever been. I am definitely more authentic than I’ve ever been (and this fact alone is worth all of the sacrifices I’ve made). However, the all of the wealth of good things in my life can’t completely steer me away for noticing the areas of dysfunction, lack and disappointment.

So, what is there for me to do? I, again, turn to the story of Jesus’ birth. When poor Mary, a young teen whose life was completely turned upside-down by unexpected circumstances, was confronted with unexpected life plans she simply responded with these words (as recorded in Luke 1:38),

“Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me, according to your word.”

Yes, that’s the word for me (and possibly you) this Advent and Christmas…the lesson of surrender and the ability to let go. I’ll talk more specifically about my own situation and how this applies in my next blog post (it feels good to be writing again). But until then, please know that…

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. If your Christmas isn’t exactly “merry”, then you are in good company. The first Christmas wasn’t exactly good times either. Fear and uncertainty are as much of faith as is victory and triumph; one is incomplete without the other. But no matter what the season presently looks like, just remember there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2015, Ray Jordan)

A Testament to 20 Years of Friendship: My Salute to Arthur Ingram!

I am aware that many of us have not had good experiences with so-called "friends." I also know that for some of us, true friendship has been few and far in between. So, I cannot let the month of August pass without acknowledging the 20th anniversary of my friendship with Arthur Ingram. I know no one who is more loyal, compassionate, caring, and trustworthy.

20 years ago, August 1995, Arthur and I met as new students at the Arkansas School for Mathematics and Science, a magnet residential high school (Gosh!! I can't believe it's been that long ago!). We initially viewed each other with puzzlement and possibly a bit of suspicion, but both quickly faded and an amazing friendship developed...one that has lasted the test of time and all that life could possibly throw at us.

Together, Arthur (aka Luther...private joke) and I have braved ups and downs, life and death (literally the birth of our children and deaths of our loved ones), weddings and funerals, marriages and divorces, financial hardships and times of surplus, not to mention fights and arguments, and church and church folk (and God knows that alone is a test of patience). But through it all...Arthur has stood by my side when all others deserted me. When I was in the abyss of life's turmoil, one of the ONLY persons I could call and count to be a REAL friend, was Arthur Lee Ingram, Jr.

He has been my friend and confidant, my brother and my soulmate through thick and thin...when it was convenient and certainly when it was not. I could fill this blog with pages and pages of stories, experiences, anecdotes and memories, but I'll simply end by saying this. I only pray that I have been or can be the kind of friend he has been to me. Arthur, I love you more than you could ever know. You are my brother and I salute your spirit. You, my friend, are truly one of kind! Here's to another 20 years!!!

P.S. This is the only picture I could find of us...

and it's from 10 years ago!

This must be fixed!!

Post 77- Birthday Blues: A Special Blog on the Occasion of my XXth Birthday

Both my biggest obstacle and my best gift is my propensity to think. In fact, I “think” that I probably THINK too much. But I always have. I have always had a tendency to deeply consider the true meaning of things, including the ultimate question of the universe…..(cue the music) the meaning of life (dum, dum, duuummmm!!). Unfortunately, the occasion of my birthday is no different.

I have always had a precarious relationship with my birthday. Growing up, my family didn’t make much of birthdays. Not due to religious reasons, but we just didn’t. I was lucky to get a half-hearted “happy birthday,” and a homemade cake (but only if I asked). In fact, I only had one birthday party as a child, at the age of nine. My second and last birthday party was at the age of 30. It was a surprise party thrown by, my then, partner (thanks Lawrence!!).

Today, my birthday has become a reminder of my age and what I haven’t accomplished. Yes, I know. Nobody likes a pity-party, so I won’t invite you to one. However, I simply want to make the point that my life wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.  I wasn’t suppose to be a divorced parent of three, a former “DL” pastor who is recovering from financial ruin. Does that sound familiar? How many of us are living a life we didn’t plan? How many of us are experiencing circumstances we didn’t expect? Awwww, such is life!

I know I’m not alone, but I can honestly say it wasn’t supposed to be like this!! At this age, I was supposed to have accomplished much more! I was supposed to have traveled to many more places! I was supposed to have been on the fast track to success and wealth and achievement (everyone predicted it). But I am where I am…and somehow and someway, I must be ok with it.

No, my life hasn’t gone according to plan…but whose does? No, there are many more things I want to accomplish…but if there weren’t what kind of life would I be living? So, in order not to make this post too long (I’ll continue investigating my birthday blues in later posts), I’ll simply say:  life is a journey. Better yet, it is an experience. 

Episcopal priest and theologian, Barbara Brown Taylor, says we shouldn’t see life as a journey, but rather as a sailboat ride. The idea of journey, she insists, indicates we start at one place but only to be satisfied when arrive at the final destination (and what would that destination be, anyway…death?) However a sailboat ride indicates a “to-and-fro,” an experience of adjusting and modifying and responding to what is, even if it’s not what was expected.

So…..on this my (gulp!) 36^th birthday (you don’t know how much it pains me to say/type it…but more about that in a later blog), I offer you these words:

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Yes, life may not be what we planned, but it is what it is! So, our job is not to judge it, but make the best of it! Hang in there, trust that things are unfolding the way they should and know that there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2015, Ray Jordan)