Self-Discovery

“Your 20s are about finding yourself. Your 30s are about proving yourself, but your 40s are about wanting to be left alone and not caring about what other people say.” ~ My Therapist

Recently I spoke publicly about seeing a therapist (I wanted to do my part in combating any stigma about seeking counseling). Granted, it was at the suggestion of a good friend who knew I was going through a lot of transition in several areas of life. So, he suggested I go get a “tune up.” The above quote came from my conversation with said counselor and while it’s a generalization it did resonate with me but with some exception.

I have spent a large (too large) portion of my life in angst around the thoughts and expectations of others. As a typical oldest child overachiever, my “role” in the family was to balance the system by being a do-gooder. Somehow in my young mind, if I performed well or behaved perfectly, I could fix the dysfunction of my family. While as an adult I can intellectually understand this is not true I have to admit that old habits die hard. So, as I enter a new decade I have a newfound commitment to being authentic, following the desire of my own heart and living my best life.

One of the most surprising parts of this new decade and my new commitment is self-discovery. Yes, our 20s may be about finding ourselves, but for me (and I can imagine for many of you) that self-discovery doesn’t end there. I have been stunned by simple things I have come to know about myself recently. I have said multiple time, “I can’t believe I didn’t know that about myself” or “Duh! Of course that’s what I like/want!”

There is a strong impulse within American society to conform, be uniform and shut up and go along to get along. A lot of this is connected to our unhealthy obsession with capitalism and materialism and the need of the capitalist machine to line us up like mindless sheep led to the slaughter in order to fuel the retail economy. However, I have come to believe that the risk of being authentic is worth any possible consequences.

This blog, however, isn’t just about me. I wonder which ways you have quenched the spirit of your soul in order to conform. What ways have you listened to the voices of the peanut gallery instead of following your own passion and heart’s desire? Personally, I have oft wondered what I would be or what my life would be if I had had the appropriate love and support to free me to be me. Nevertheless, the woudla-coulda-shouldas help no one. All any of us have is the now. So, my commitment is to really learn myself while also freeing myself to fully embrace the person I find.

My grandmother was fond of making the distinction between living and merely existing. Friends, unequivocally I want to LIVE!! Live my best life and as far I know my only one. Don’t you? Yet, to do so I think we must fully face the obstacles that prevent us from following this path. Underneath it all I wonder what mental, emotional and/or spiritual impulses prevent us from being our truest self. What are we so afraid of? Is it that we’re afraid of where our deepest passions might lead us? What they could lead us to do and risks they might lead us to take?

This I know for sure. There is something on the other side of where we are. Listen to me and listen to me closely. This is only for those whose restless heart KNOWS there must be more. You are right; there is more. More love, more joy, more peace, more excitement, more gratitude, more satisfaction, more justice, more fulfillment, more YOU.

Don’t be afraid of you. Allow your heart to soar. Find your muse and follow it. I certainly am. There is an expression of God that can only be manifested through our individual lives and personalities. So, get about expressing God through your divine self! And remember that the best is not behind us, it's ahead of us and there are #bigthingscoming.

Birthday Revelation

Wow! Today I stand at the intersection of many shifting realities. In other words, my whole life seems to be in an uproar and upheaval and yet again I find myself looking for answers.

Before anyone feels the need to call me to offer help, let me say that I am fine (did you hear that mother, I’m ok!). In fact, I’ve become so accustomed to just putting my head down, working hard and pushing through any seeming adversity that it didn’t quite dawn on me how much my life was in transition until a good friend, after hearing all the balls I have in the air, suggested that I might benefit in seeing a therapist to help talk me through some of it. And here lies the story of my life.

My job is ending, my relationship is ending, my sons are not in a place that feels comfortable for me, I have a ton of other obligations making demands upon my time and resources and I literally don’t know which city I’ll be living in three months from now. Yet, it never occurred to me that this was enough to require special attention. Nope! That’s not how I’ve allowed myself to function….ever. I was taught to work hard, not complain, and push through any adversity that might be present. However, I’m not ashamed to say that this path is no longer working for me.

Next week I will be 40 years old. Geez, it’s still hard to say out loud or even put in writing. This isn’t because I am ageist or afraid of getting older, per se. Granted, I have mixed feelings about getting older. In one breath I am amazed at my journey and how far God has carried me. I feel as if I have earned every year and I’m so proud of the wisdom I’ve gained along the way. Still, on the other hand, I feel 28 at the most. Also, NOTHING in my life has gone according to plan, so 40 feels like a letdown. So, here we are again; this is the story of my life.

Prior to seeing a counselor at my friend’s request, I had already begun doing a lot of thinking and reflecting (a milestone birthday is good for that). During these times of reflection it became apparent to me that my life force seemed blocked. After speaking with the counselor, she suggested that I was “out of balance”. For me, the terminology isn’t important. What’s important is the fact that I can hear the reality of my experience screaming at me and it’s saying that something must change. So, I began seeking the “what” and the “how”.

I have long believed that our lives are our best teachers. If we simply pay attention and ask questions of God/The Universe, we will find the answers we seek. Therefore, when surveying my life I began looking for common threads and similar or connecting experiences. What I reluctantly realized is that I have not loved myself enough. Even typing those words, I find myself flinching. Not because the statement isn’t true but because I don’t want it to be.

How can I not love me? Theoretically, I love the hell out of myself (sometimes, literally). However, actions can speak louder than words, and if I look to the dark corners of my life, I can see that I have consistently put the needs and wants of others before my own. This is the uniting thread; this is the common denominator among all parts of my life.

I’ve been told that confession is good for the soul, so here it goes. I am fixer. Some might call it a “messiah” or “savior” complex. I don’t say that proudly nor do I choose that consciously. If I were honest (and when I started this blog, I promised to always be), there are deep parts of my self-worth that are damaged and deep, DEEP within myself I hold some beliefs that have not served me well. 

Defeating Belief #1: Somewhere within myself I believe that I must earn the love and acceptance of others. Furthermore, there have been times in my life that I have believed that this love and acceptance must be earned at all costs. So, when someone offers that kind of love unconditionally, it scares the shit out of me because…well, I don’t think that I deserve it. Ouch!! (I can’t believe I’m saying this publicly).

Defeating Belief #2: Also, somewhere deep within, I believe that I can’t have good things in my life unless I have appropriately suffered for them. Therefore, I’ve had a difficult time receiving God’s abundance and bounty if I haven’t suffered dearly to have it (i.e. I don’t feel worthy of them).

Defeating Belief #3: Because I somehow believe I have to earn love and suffer for blessings; I have a magnetic ability to attract hurting and broken people in need of fixing. Ray the fixer, the savior, the hero…because what other value do I offer another person if not as the solution to their dilemmas?


Now, why do I write these horribly personal things about myself. Well, first of all, writing is cathartic. Secondly, I do honestly want to be of service to my community and I want to contribute something helpful to the world. I always have and I always will. Also, to put them in writing and to share them publicly helps me be clear about what pain I hold within and thereby helps to hold myself accountable to the healing process.

One of the blessings of my life is that I have the ability to change swiftly. Once I become aware and informed, it doesn’t take me long to put new practices into place. So, once I got clear on what was happening to me and within me, I began to immediately put some changes in place. What do these changes look like? For example:

• I am intentionally and consciously putting me first. What I need and what I want takes priority over the needs and wants of others. That may seem simplistic, but you might be surprised how many times I (and possibly you) betray myself daily to meet some external standard, false obligation or unrealistic expectation. I come first. To survive and thrive, I must! What I need matters and what I want is important. And if it isn’t hurting myself or someone else, then why can’t I have it? Why have I felt guilty or ashamed when I choose me? No more!

• I am intentionally and consciously speaking (and living) my truth. I can’t tell you how many times I have silenced myself, making myself unhappy in order to make someone else comfortable. Quite frankly, I have vowed to stop caring so damn much about what others think. No more!

• And this is the really big one. I am no longer willing to dim my light or make myself small in order to fit into a box someone else has created for me. I have vowed to not only love myself but believe in myself. No matter what others see in us, if we are not willing to affirm those gifts in ourselves, then our work is in vain. Each of us is God’s handiwork. Each of us is beautifully, fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the Divine. Sooooo, let’s start acting like it.

Lastly, I am well aware that the defeating beliefs listed are connected to childhood trauma. There’s no real need to go into all of that here (if you’re interested, you can find mention of some this in other blogposts). Also, as I unpack my milestone birthday I’ll likely be writing about the specific areas of transition in my life (church, relationship, family). So, look back for insight about those.

I began by saying that I felt my life force had been blocked. Meaning, I’ve been blocking my blessings without recognizing it. As I turn the big 4-0, I am determined to clear out any metaphysical clutter that I might truly live my best life. I hope you’ll join me in decluttering any unnecessary baggage from your life as well because the best is not behind us, it's ahead of us. So, remember, there are #bigthingscoming.

Upon My 20th Wedding Anniversary

In my commute to work today’s date dawned on me. Today is my 20^th wedding anniversary. This seems remarkable, even to me, for a couple of reasons. First, I don’t feel old enough to have a 20^th wedding anniversary, especially since my “boyfriend” is 15 years my junior (I know, I know…but more about that in another post). Nevertheless, this realization is spiritually intriguing to me because, unaware of the date, I spoke with my former spouse first things this morning (which is unusual) and forgot to mention it. Also, today’s anniversary comes at a time I am doing some life examination, looking back over this journey and attempting to make sense of it all.

When I began this blog several years ago, I made a commitment to be honest. I didn’t want to be another talking head, filling the atmosphere with more blah, blah, blah. Rather, I wanted this to be a platform to not only share my experiences and life lessons but to do so in a way that might be helpful to others. I say this as a reminder to be transparent because just this morning I was regretting the decision to be married and have children (again not realizing this was my 20^th wedding anniversary). Before you mistakenly believe I don’t love my children or appreciate the love and commitment offered by my former spouse, allow me to explain.

I got married very young. I was the ripe old age of 19. Having a 19-year-old son today, the idea of him being married is preposterous, but at the time it made perfect sense to me. Again, allow me to explain. I got married at 19 for four primary reasons. 

• First, I got married because I was ready to be an adult. My childhood was tumultuous, with my mother and her addiction at the center of the storm. I so disliked the experience of being a child, I could not wait to be an adult. Thereby, I rushed into adulthood…happily and willingly.

• Secondly, I got married because I was a minister who was also beginning to understand himself as same-gender loving. When I got married I had absolutely no romantic or sexual experience with another male. Heck, I hadn’t even seen gay porn! However, I knew I had “tendencies” and “feelings” which scared me senseless. So, listening to the common wisdom (or lack thereof) of small rural Arkansas communities, I felt strongly that I needed a wife, aka “first lady” to both match the predominate image of a minister as well as divert any talk of my sexuality. Therefore, getting married seemed perfectly reasonable.

• Thirdly, I got married because I actually liked my former spouse. She was stunningly beautiful, we held similar values and we enjoyed a friendship that easily transitioned into a partnership. Having another human being with which to walk the journey of life was incredibly comforting (see aforementioned troubled childhood).

• Lastly, right about the time I was rethinking my engagement (announced after knowing my then-girlfriend for a little less than a year), she became pregnant. Our first child was on the way. I had always loved children and was good with them. Also, I had always seen myself as a dad and was ready to parent in ways I did not have as in my own childhood but longed for. So, married we got. I, 19 years old, and she, just short of her 23^rd birthday and 3 months pregnant.

I won’t go into all the details of our married life and the subsequent journey I have taken as a single dad, a newly openly gay young adult and the path back to ministry. God it’s a been a journey! But I will say that I have looked back over all the mistakes made, things I wished I had done differently and the tons of seemingly missed opportunities and have grieved for who I could have been and might have become. At the core of that grief is guilt. Guilt for  the pain I caused my ex-spouse (she still struggles with anger and resentment towards me) and the “nuclear” family I robbed from my children (once my daughter posted a picture of our nuclear family from years ago, with the caption "When things were perfect." My heart nearly broke in two). 

My grief is also exasperated by the palpable stress of parenting which has led to financial woes, not to mention the treacherous territory of dating (yet again, another topic for another post). Being a dad has been both a dream come true and a nightmare to endure. Granted, my daughter has been delightful, but my boys have been a real handful. They struggle academically, struggling with learning differences and mental health challenges (including ADHD and anxiety.. both of which my oldest is tempted to self-medicate). They inherited these struggles from their mother and as an academically gifted student, life-long learner and freaking college professor, I simply can't relate (although I try my best to have compassion, but possibly not enough at times...there's that guilt again). 

To top it off, their common struggles have created a stressed relationship with their mother (they are so much alike they can't get along), while shifting an increased set of emotional, mental and financial responsibilities to me. I love my children desperately, more than words can express, and I'm willing to go the extra mile to make sure they have the opportunity to live a long, happy and successful life. But as many other parents do, my hope and prayer is that I can offer them enough to accomplish that goal. 

Whew! To read this you must think I’m either a big whiny baby, a lost cause or both. I assure you that I am not a complainer and I choose to believe that I am not a lost cause. However, the 20^th anniversary of this journey has provided space and occasion for me to reflect and to think and most importantly, to pray.

I have found myself praying, "O God, why? O God, how? O God, where? O God, when? " Then I’m reminded of another point in life when I was newly separated from my then-wife and struggling in more ways than one, and someone placed a book in my hand. Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer changed my life. The message of the text was simple. If we get quiet and pay attention, our life will speak to us, giving us invaluable insight and direction. 

So, I return to this space. Yet again I’m praying, “God if you get anything from this old raggedy life of mine, then you are free to use it.” That’s my prayer today, but I have no proprietary right to it. I invite you to use it as well. While your circumstances may differ, if you share in the struggle, the pain and/or the guilt of my story, then I invite to pray this prayer along with me.

Remember, if we get quiet and listen we’ll see that this is not the end of our story. The best is not behind us, it is ahead of us. And as always, please remember there are #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2018, Ray Jordan)

I'm Baaaaack!

Well, it’s been a long time since I used this forum and format. It’s not because I haven’t had something to say. God knows, I was born with an opinion and usually always have something to say (and hopefully contribute to the conversation). However, for the past three years I became lost. I was so busy working that I lost myself in the hustle. 

Have you ever experienced this? Have you ever been so busy “making a living” that you forgot to actually live. To make matters worse, this is the antithesis of what I have believed, preached and taught all of my adult life. For example, I have often proclaimed that our God, the God of abundant life, does not call us to work harder, rather empowers us to work smarter. Likewise, I have long believed that God is our shepherd; therefore we do not have to want. Also, I have long taught that Spirit will make the crooked places straight and lead us to our place of purpose. While I believed it all, I somehow got lost in the shuffle of the American way and the capitalist stick and carrot. I lost sight of who I was and who and what I was called to be. I no longer had time for the things that makes me thrive and buzz with purpose and passion.

So, this blog post is somewhat of a return to one of my first loves: writing. This is an interesting discovery because I never thought of writing as a path for me, much less a gift. Thankfully, it was one of my professors during my PhD program who lifted the idea of writing as vocation for me, one of the gifts in my wheelhouse. While I had never considered it, when she brought it to my attention the suggestion immediately resonated with me. With this first blog post in some years and in the remembrance of that professor’s affirmation of my gifts (Barbara Mossberg), I’d like to simply offer these thoughts:

1.     Get back to you. If you find yourself lost in the busyness of life, in the pressures of “adulting” and/or the expectations of others, PAUSE. Take a moment to recall, to remember who you really are, to embrace again that which brings you the most joy, and that which feeds your soul…and then get back to it!

2.     Give thanks for those who affirm you, love you, acknowledge you, and confirm the God-gifts in you. Listen to them. Humbly accept their love and affirmation. In doing so, it makes it so much easier to be about God's plan for you (while shutting the haters up).

3.     Thirdly (and lastly for now), take some time to love you. Physically, emotionally and spiritually, can honestly say that you are living your best life? If not, don’t be overwhelmed by the idea of turning your entire life inside-out. Rather, take one step at time. In the words of Dr. King, “Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” One step at time and you can take back control of your life.

This is not the end of our story; the best is not behind us, it is ahead of us. I love you…for real! Thank you for reading and thank you for walking this journey with me! And as always, please remember there are  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2018, Ray Jordan)

Hurting People Hurt People

“Hurting people hurt people. “ I’m not sure where I first heard this phrase but I’m sure it was some preacher from my childhood who first introduced me to this pearl of wisdom (and my initial Google search turned up no original source). Wherever I first heard it, I’ve certainly repeated it many times and maintain that this is one of the “Things I Know for Sure” (to steal a page from Oprah Magazine).

Just think about it. Isn’t it true? Think of the people you’ve encountered in life who seem to get out of bed in the morning only to spew their brand of misery, bitterness and hatefulness all over everyone they meet. Guesses are if you took them on a stroll down memory lane you are likely to find a past hurt.  So, my adherence to this wisdom usually helps me live a life of compassion and understanding, even with those who utterly offend me. In other words, when I stumble upon a total jackass, I’m just reminded that they are battling some hurt or pain that I know nothing about…therefore I’m more obliged to take a deep breath and extend a little longsuffering.

Yet, there is another side of this coin that is rarely discussed. What happens when WE are the ones who allow past experiences, hurts, pains, and traumas to cloud our perspective and alter our behavior? In which ways have we been guilty of dumping our past on the unsuspecting victim in front of us?

My last few posts have unintentionally centered around romantic relationships, with the last two focusing specifically on overcoming rejection.  In some ways I want to continue that in this post (although this could relate to any type of interpersonal interaction).  Unlike the last two posts I don’t want to offer thoughts about being rejected but rather I’d like to turn your attention to the fine art of extending it to others (we must be careful when we’re ALWAYS the hero of the tales we tell).

Let me simply state that I am guilty as charged. I have not always been diplomatic or mature in my rejection of others. While I’ve never been one of those rude or arrogant pricks, I have been known to “ghost” many-a-suitor (You know, “ghost”, meaning, I simply disappear and stop answering calls or texts).  While it’s never, ever my intention to inflict pain on another, I have been guilty of fleeting thoughts that justify my behavior because, “Hey…it’s been done to me!”

I have no deep insight or life shattering revelation to share, other than to caution us about the way we move through the world. We must be self-aware, identifying ways in which we have been bruised by our pasts and therefore we must make a conscious effort not to allow those experiences to un-awaringly cause us to “pass it forward”.

I believe this truth rears its ugly head most noticeably in matters of the heart. I cannot begin to tell you how many people I have encountered who, due to the painful dating/marriage experiences of the past, bring the hurt of the past into their current romantic endeavors. It show itself in many ways. Sometimes it’s through our paranoia and suspicion, or maybe in the ways in which manage conflict. Or, forget managing conflict, our painful pasts often drive us to CREATE the conflict…picking fights with our significant others because deep inside we know this person will eventually hurt us, therefore we must hurt them first. Or (for me this is the worst) when life presents a beautiful human spirit…a good man or woman…we deny them access into our lives, refuse them our hearts and miss the opportunity for true intimacy and partnership because we just can’t get over what the other(s) did to us. Wow…in my estimation, there is nothing more heartbreaking than making this one pay for what the last one did.

Hurting people hurt people. Those of us who have felt the sting of rejection too often become perpetrators of that same pain in others. Sigh…but no matter what the pain of our pasts has been…

This is not the end of our story; the best is not behind us, it is ahead of us. If you still harbor pain from the past, be aware of it, process it, pause your dating life until you can excavate it…but for heaven’s sake, please don’t ignore it. Because without dealing with it, we cannot experience all of the #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read my first introductory post. Also, feel free to post your questions or comments here and you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming.

(Copyright, 2016, Ray Jordan)

My Reputation as Blanche Devereaux: Learning to Love ALL of Me!

I have often been teased and labeled as someone who has lots of sex. While I suppose this label is slightly better than being thought of as the one that no one wants, I’d like to set the record straight.

I have been single for almost four years (I can’t believe it’s been that long). In this time I, naturally, have taken the time to date. In many instances, this has meant meeting for casual cups of coffee or dinner and a movie from time to time.  More often than not, this also includes getting to know someone through dating apps, texts or phone calls (and yes, in the past I have been “getting to know” up to 10 people at one time). However, this never meant I was sleeping with all of them.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe sex is only for married couples. If I did, where would this have left gay couples until most recently? I do believe, however, that sex should be had responsibly between two consenting adults. Outside of those parameters I have no judgment to give. Yet, in my own experiences I have found that sex is much better when there is a real emotional connection between the persons. And for the record….this is what I am currently seeking.

So, if this is the case, how did I get the reputation of being Blanche Devereaux (sorry…Golden Girls reference)? I think it’s because I embody a sensuality that I am not afraid of, nor am I ashamed of. I am well aware that I (along with every other human) am a sexual being. I embrace it. I own it, and it likely shows.

It’s important that I embrace my sexuality as an integral part of myself because for most of life I was made to feel ashamed and this shame warped how I felt about my body.  Recently I told someone that I love while still learning to love my body. After I said it (or actually texted it), I was struck with how those words affected. As a gay person, growing up with conservative Christian ethics, sex and sexuality were taboo topics. And when puberty hit and I discovered my sexual attraction was much stronger for men than women, the conflict between my spirituality and sexuality grew more complicated. Thereby, I never saw my body as something to embrace or enjoy or dare I say…love.

After I lived the life of a married man with children…I “came out” and tried to find an identity as a gay man. The horror of this experience was enough to make me regret my bold step toward authentic living. Here, my body was definitely welcome to the discourse in ways I was not expecting. Conversely, at this time it was my mind that I found to be the issue. I seemed to find myself in a social circle with little intellectual fervor, social consciousness or diversity of thought and interest. The waters seemed to be a bit shallow. So (as someone with my background of rejection would) I found myself shrinking to hide my academic prowess, my social awareness, and my vibrant intellectual curiosity. Nevertheless, I failed miserably at being another fashion crazed, diva diehard, reality television junkie. It just wasn’t in me…I’d rather be talking about politics, religion and social injustice.

In my last post I said I wanted to pick up the conversation regarding the root of rejection and how it has driven many of us farther and faster than we have cared to journey (if you didn’t read the previous post…it’s a must!). But what does all of this have to do with rejection. The fact of the matter remains, for both my pre and post coming out self, I had to learn to reconcile the truth of my identity while  truly loving and accepting it. Whether it be my body or my mind, if I were to expect another person to truly fall in-love with me and cherish me…all of me… then I needed to first fall in-love with and cherish me…all of me.

It’s taken me a lifetime, but I believe I’m finally getting there. The more I learn to love myself; the root of rejection seems to fade into the distant past.

• When ‘he’ doesn’t call or text or show me the attention I desire, it’s ok. I’m learning to not take it personally.
• When I don’t have a date or I find myself feeling lonely…it’s ok. I don’t need another person to validate me. I love me and my own company.
• When I’m tempted to compromise my values or my self-worth, I’m reminded of who I am and what my true value is.  This allows me to take a breath and a step back to more honestly evaluate the situation (rather than being thirsty and taking whatever crumbs some dude is willing to give me).

Do you suffer from the bitter root of rejection? If so, have you identified the cause and are you moving passionately toward self-love and self-care? This is mandatory work for ANYONE who desires or hopes to be in a long-term relationship. Without understanding these concepts and excavating the “crap” of the past…I’m sorry to tell you, but you won’t be fit to be romantically involved with another human being.  Nonetheless, don’t get discouraged, because…

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. So, do the work…be honest and authentic and be healed from the root of rejection. By doing the work, you can be sure to expect #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also feel free to post your questions or comments here or you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming
(Copyright 2016, Ray Jordan)

The Root of it All

Rejection. What an ugly word. In fact, even saying it out loud leaves bad taste in my mouth. Maybe this is true because I have come to believe that being rejected is one of the most painful experiences in the human journey. Just think about it…when was the last time you felt rejected? Guesses are, even the memory of it brings a painful tinge of across your face….and heart.

I can’t speak conclusively, but from personal experiences, rejection, or simply the anticipation of being rejected, has been the cause of my relationship woes and I’m sure it can be found in the neighborhood of your relationship mishaps as well.

• How many times have we shape-shifted ourselves, denying our authenticity, in pursuit of the affection or approval of a potential partner?
• Have you ever put up with more than your fair share of crap from a loved one, just to keep them…just to avoid the feeling of rejection?
• Or, have you ever, consciously or unconsciously, pushed a suitor away, keeping him or her distant, all in an attempt to avoid the seemingly inevitable rejection?

Likelihood is, you have encountered one or all of those experiences. And while you may not have had the self-awareness to recognize the bitter root of rejection  at the play, in hindsight you can probably see it now.

Let me do what I do best, which is talk about myself in hopes that my transparency and self-disclosure might be of help to you. For many years the painful energy of rejection lie at the pit of my solar plexus. It occurred every time I wasn’t picked for the team, or my blackness was the butt of my white peers’ joke, or when my assumed homosexuality was ridiculed or my propensity for intellectualism was used to make me feel “othered”. However, it first took root when I felt abandoned by my mother.

Our relationship with our family, particularly our parents, is often the archetype for how we relate with our intimate partners later in life. It is where we learn rational thinking, logical discourse and conflict mediation. It is also where we learn one of the most important lessons in life…how to emote. How to genuinely and authentically be our truest selves and be loved…not in spite of it, but because of it.

Researcher, social worker and author Brene Brown (if you haven’t read any of her books, don’t walk but run to order them) says that there is a difference between Belonging and Fitting in.  Belonging, she says, is a normal and natural need for all humans. We have a need to be unconditionally loved and accepted. However, fitting in is our external, ego-driven attempt to hustle for acceptance by sacrificing our needs, values and authenticity in exchange for the approval of others. One is crucial for emotionally and mentally healthy people. The other is detrimental to wholehearted and joyous living.

When reading this from Brene I had a huge “aha” moment! All of my life, I have longed to belong, but tried to achieve it by fitting in. And most of the messy mistakes I have made in my adult life is because of it.

So, what does this have to do with romantic relationships? I have learned that belonging starts from within, and this often means healing the scars of the past. Why does it start from within? Because if one doesn’t truly accept and unconditionally love oneself, they will NEVER feel worthy of that kind of love from another.

To avoid making this post too long, I want to leave you with a little homework. Take some time to mediate…to really think about that unlined part and consider all of the ways in which you have unconsciously (or possibly even consciously) acted in ways that lead to the demise of past relationships because somewhere deep inside of yourself you didn’t feel worthy. Now, our egos won’t allow this truth to be apparent, so let me say it a different way.

• Is it possible, our complaining and faultfinding with our partners was fueled by self-dislike? In other words, we treated them the way we truly felt about ourselves.
• Is it possible that our inability to be faithful was fueled by our own insecurity…which was fed by entertaining the inappropriate attention of others?
• Is it possible that our issue with our partners, whatever that issue was (outside of abuse of course), was ignited by an looming sentiment that said get them before they have a chance to get you? Because, in some way you felt you weren’t “enough” and thereby your chances of getting rejected or hurt was somehow inevitable?

I want to pick this up in my next post, but in the meantime please remember:

This is not the end of our story. Our best days are not behind us; they are ahead of us. Whether we’re currently dating/partnered/married or not…we must know that love and belonging is an inside job and that there are  #bigthingscoming.

NOTE: If you’re new to the site it might be helpful to read the first (introductory) post. Also feel free to post your questions or comments here or you can always reach out to me on Twitter @raycjordan using the hash tag #bigthingscoming

(Copyright 2016, Ray Jordan)